


Blue Christmas

by bitboozy



Series: Domesticated [52]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Christmas, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Gen, Light Angst, This is still a love story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 44,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28031529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitboozy/pseuds/bitboozy
Summary: The Hardys celebrate Christmas and Ellie receives life-changing news.
Relationships: Alec Hardy & Ellie Miller, Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller
Series: Domesticated [52]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550554
Comments: 155
Kudos: 117





	1. Chapter 1

**DECEMBER 12 TH**

Ellie falls back on the bed, her head hanging off the edge.

“Fucking hell.”

She swipes the sweat off her forehead as she catches her breath. Alec, with his head laying at the opposite end of the bed, reaches for her foot and squeezes it.

“Forgot how nice an afternoon shag could be.”

Ellie places a hand on her chest, steadying her breathing. “Didn’t realize how _tense_ I was.”

He raises himself up and scooches up until he’s sitting beside her legs. “You were, a bit.” He strokes her calves, watching the rise and fall of chest, her breasts barely contained by her bra.

“Felt so odd lately,” she confesses, still staring at the ceiling. “Bit _off_. Bit achy."

“Think you’ve spent more time at work than _I_ have lately.”

Ellie frowns, propping herself up on her elbows to look at him. “Why d’you say it like _that_?”

“Uh.” He pulls her foot into his lap and sets upon massaging it. “More than I _used to_ , perhaps better said?”

“Yes.” She lays back down.

It’s a Saturday afternoon. Tom is with Chelsea, Fred has gone to the cinema with David and Sally, and Aila is napping in the nursery. After a busy week, Alec and Ellie had quickly come together in the bedroom with a desperate urgency the minute the baby had dropped off.

“Feel bloody _fantastic_ now,” Ellie says. “Feel like I should go do something.”

He chuckles. “Do what?”

“Dunno, anything. Organize the linen cupboard, wax the kitchen floor, hoover the whole house,” she replies. “Feel like I should take advantage of this sudden burst of energy.”

He flashes her a slightly ornery smile. “Could dig the Christmas decorations out of the shed.”

“Oh god. We’re so late on that. Fred’ll lose his mind if we wait another day.”

He crawls forward to lie beside her on his stomach. “Can take him to get the tree when he gets back.”

“That’d be brilliant.” She turns and touches his cheek. “He’d love it.”

“Means you’ll _actually_ have dig out the decorations though.”

“Reckon I’ll need Tom for that,” Ellie replies. “His height, anyway.” She turns onto her side, running her fingers up and down his arm. “Be strange to do it all without Daiz this year.”

“Not _all_ of it,” Alec argues with a frown.

“Well, the decorating, the trimming, all that.”

He gently pulls her hips against his then leans forward and presses his lips to her collarbone.

“We made the right call about Daisy and Christmas, didn’t we?” She asks, stroking his hair.

“Mm. Yeah, don’t you think?” He murmurs into her skin before looking up. “We’re choosing quality over quantity.”

“Right.” She nods. The deal they’d cut with Tess was that one of them would get Daisy for longer and the other would get Daisy for Christmas and New Year’s. A balance, somehow. They’d chosen Christmas. “Much better for the kids this way, I think. For them all to be together for the holidays. And then Tess gets what _she_ wants and gets to take Daisy to – where is it again?”

“Fiji,” Alec replies glumly.

“Right, yes, Fiji.” She guides him back to her chest to distract him from his glumness. He happily takes up the task again. “Still can’t believe Lucy’s going to bloody _Copenhagen_.”

“Mm.”

“I understand she wants to spend Christmas with Olly but she’ll be bloody miserable,” she says.

“Mmhmm.” He kisses his way down to her breasts. “More booze for us.”

Ellie snorts. “Cheeky.”

He takes one of her nipples into his mouth, humming his agreement.

“Oh hello.” She looks down. “Acting like you’ve got another round in you. Please.”

He slips a hand between her legs.

“Oh so you have then.” She hooks a leg around his waist. “Quickly then, before the baby wakes.”

“Let me do my work, woman,” he grumbles.

Ellie grins. “Right, I’ll shut up then.”

*

Alec carries Fred on his shoulders as they wander around Christmas tree farm. They run into a number of children from Fred’s school with their parents and Fred proudly waves to them from his prime position high above them all. He points to almost every tree that reaches his eye level.

“That one.”

“Not sure it’ll fit through our front door, mate.”

“That one.”

“We’ll have to drill a hole in the ceilin’.”

As they round a corner, they find Jocelyn and Maggie carefully observing a five-foot fir tree.

“Fancy seein’ you two here,” Alec greets them.

“Ah!” Maggie gasps. “If isn’t the Hardy boys.”

“This is a good tree,” Fred tells them. “This should be your tree.”

“Oh, you think so, Fred?” Jocelyn questions him skeptically. “The branches aren’t too sparse?”

“Um.” Fred does not know what that means. “I think it looks like you.”

Alec bites his lip to keep from laughing. Maggie does laugh.

“You think the tree looks like Jocelyn?”

Fred nods fervently. “Uh huh.”

Jocelyn chuckles. “Fine then. I suppose we have no other option.”

“Thanks for your help, Fred,” Maggie says cheerfully, then looks at Alec. “We’ll have to have you and Ellie ‘round for a Christmas drink soon.”

“Sounds good.” He jostles Fred a bit. “Come on, mate. The search continues.”

Fred waves at them as Alec starts to walk away. “BYE!”

*

Against his better judgment, Alec has agreed to make Beef Bourguignon for supper. Ellie asks for it about once a month. He acquiesces about once every six asks. To sweeten the deal, she has offered to be his sous chef. This, however, is the opposite of a deal sweetener but he allows her to assist him at her own risk.

After less than ten minutes at it, the kitchen is a proper mess. Fred sits at the table with his new Captain Marvel colouring book and Aila sits in her highchair with her rubber blocks. Ellie has put on her Prince playlist, of which Alec enthusiastically approves. They dance around the kitchen, singing along (getting the lyrics _mostly_ correct) to “Kiss,” while preparing the difficult recipe.

Aila bangs a block against her tray while she watches her parents with amusement, squealing and bouncing. Fred is colouring ferociously with his crayons, grinding them into the paper.

“MUMMA I DON’T LIKE IT.”

Ellie dances over to him, her hands covered in flour. “I don’t care.” She smooches his cheek and sprinkles a smidge of flour over him.

Fred wipes her kiss off his cheek crankily. And then, a few minutes later, “DADDY I DON’T LIKE IT.”

Alec throws his arms around Ellie from behind and kisses her shoulder, swaying them back and forth to the music. “Tough luck, lad. When you pay the bills, you can choose the music.”

“Yoyoyo,” Aila adds.

Ellie reaches for the dill spice.

“Ah-ah.” Alec quickly snatches it from her hand. “Don’t you dare.”

“But don’t you think it needs – “

“Absolutely not.”

As “Let’s Go Crazy” starts up, Tom calls out from the hall. “Hello!”

“In the kitchen, lovely!” Ellie calls back, grudgingly putting away the dill.

Ellie and Alec both bang their heads a bit as they sing along. Then Tom enters the kitchen, with Chelsea. He clears his throat.

“A GIRL,” Fred exclaims, dropping his crayon.

Ellie jumps, startled, and Alec moves quickly to pause the music. Aila flexes her fingers at Chelsea welcomingly with a mostly toothless grin. Tom’s cheeks are bright red with embarrassment. He hangs his head briefly.

“Um.” Tom clears his throat a second time. “So this is Chelsea. Chelsea, this…is my mum.”

Chelsea is about two inches shorter than Tom. Her hair is dark, her skin pale. She wears little to no makeup and is dressed in a long-sleeved dungaree romper. Ellie’s first thought is she could’ve joined their Addams Family costume on Halloween.

“Ellie.” She holds out her hand to the girl, who shakes it as tepidly as she had Alec’s.

“Good to meet you, Mrs. Hardy,” Chelsea says.

“ _Ellie_ , please,” Ellie insists. “So lovely to finally meet you.” She opens up toward Alec and reaches for his arm. “You’ve met my husband already, haven’t you?"

Chelsea nods. “Good to see you, Mr. Hardy.”

“Please god call him Alec, it’ll drive him potty,” Ellie tells her with a laugh.

Alec shakes his head almost imperceptibly and gives Chelsea an almost warm half-smile. “Alec is fine.”

“Me now!” Fred insists, sitting on his knees in the chair. “I’m Fred.”

“Yeah, this is Fred,” Tom mumbles, gesturing at him halfheartedly.

“Hey Fred,” Chelsea says coolly. “Nice to meet you.”

“Are you Tom’s girlfriend?” The boy asks.

Ellie shushes him out of instinct but then waits eagerly for the response.

“Yeah, for now,” Chelsea replies, with a smirk in Tom’s direction.

“Bababa,” Aila says, intentionally loud enough to get everyone’s attention, while banging a block on her tray.

“My sister, Aila,” Tom says.

Aila grins widely at Tom, recognizing her name, then repeats, “Ai-yaya.”

Tom tries to play it cool, though even he finds that pretty adorable. Chelsea doesn’t seem to know what to do. She stands there, looking at the baby, and falters a bit.

Ellie takes a step toward her. “You can say hello,” she says.

“Hello,” Chelsea says to Aila. Then she looks at Ellie. “Sorry I’ve not been around babies much.”

Aila claps her hands, clearly feeling the need to perform a bit.

“Ah, well, she’ll just be vamping for you until she’s won you over,” Ellie warns her. “So best to fake it until you make it.”

Tentatively, Chelsea outstretches her arm and holds her hand out to Aila, without quite knowing why. Aila happily grabs onto it and uses it to bang on her tray.

“That means she likes you,” Alec says.

“Oh,” Chelsea exhales. “…Good.”

Then Aila moves to put Chelsea’s hand in her mouth. Ellie quickly intervenes, giving Chelsea her hand back. “All right that’s enough, little bug. She’s not family _yet_.”

Both Tom and Chelsea go a bit red.

“We’re just gonna, um, hang out upstairs for a bit,” Tom says.

“Fine. Supper in about forty-five minutes though,” Ellie replies. “Chelsea, would you like to join us?”

Alec throws his wife an apprehensive glance, which she ignores.

“Oh, thank you, but I’ve got to get home,” Chelsea answers. “Mum’s getting takeaway.”

Ellie nods. “Another time then.”

“Come on, Chels,” Tom says, guiding her out of the kitchen.

“Nice to meet you!” Ellie calls after them as they exit.

Fred has already gone back to colouring as if the interruption had never happened at all.

“He did that on purpose, you know,” Alec says, opening the fridge and rummaging around.

“What?”

“Sprung her on us,” he continues. “On you. Didn’t want to give us time to interrogate her. Or plan something embarrassin’ for your first meetin’.”

Ellie leans against the counter and folds her arms across her chest. “You think?”

“I do think.” He pulls out a bottle of white wine and then retrieves two glasses from the cupboard. “Just as he introduced Erin to us at your baby shower. Too much goin’ on to focus on her.”

“Huh.”

“He’s a clever one, he is,” Alec determines. He hands her a glass.

“Hope she warms up to Aila and Fred,” Ellie says, taking a sip.

“Not every young girl is mad about children,” he reminds her. “If she hasn’t any siblings and never got into childmindin’, there’s no reason she should’ve had any experience with them. She’ll adjust.”

She nods. “Lucy was like that. The joke was on her, having Olly so young.”

Alec raises an eyebrow at her. “Let’s hope Chelsea is on a _different_ path.”

Ellie grimaces and whacks his arm. “Why would you even say that to me.”

“Sorry.” He hands her a cutting board. “Here, peel these potatoes.”

“That’s the work of a scullery maid.”

He hands her a potato peeler. “Don’t hurt yourself.”

*

After supper, Tom helps Ellie retrieve the boxes of Christmas décor from the shed. Then the whole family gathers in the living room, where the tree had been set up by the picture window. Ellie, queen of playlists, puts on some Christmas music as they trim the tree together. Someone is on Aila duty at all times, running interference between the baby and all the small, shiny temptations that surround her.

“I do the star,” Fred reminds them every few minutes or so, despite the fact that he receives no arguments.

After Aila has a close call with some tinsel, Alec scoops her up and keeps her on his hip for the duration.

As Fred places a red bauble on a low branch, Ellie stops him. “Why don’t you put it a bit higher, love?” She suggests. “We need to keep things out of Aila’s reach.”

Fred frowns up at her. “But then the bottom will be bare.”

“There’s still lights down there, mate,” Alec reminds him. “Just no dangly things.”

Aila is already lurching toward the tree to grab at things from Alec’s arms.

“It won’t look right.”

“Fred,” Ellie says firmly, anticipating another tantrum. “We had to do the same thing when you were a baby.” She looks at her older son. “Didn’t we, Tom?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “You kept trying to put the little snowflake ones in your mouth.”

“Well.” Fred plops down onto the floor. “I should’ve been the _last_ baby.”

Ellie kneels down to his level. “Please don’t spoil this, little love. You love this part.”

He looks up at her with his big brown eyes, wide and innocent. “Can I have hot cocoa?”

Ellie chuckles ruefully. “Well played. Yes you can.”

The doorbell rings just as she stands up again.

“I’ll get it.”

Ellie brushes off the glitter and sparkles that have attached themselves to her jumper and leggings as she walks into the foyer. At the door is Beth, wearing only a cardigan despite the cold.

“Come in, come in.”

She steps back so Beth can enter.

“Sorry to drop by without phonin’,” Beth says.

“No bother. What’s going on?”

“…I need a cigarette.” She pats the pack in her cardigan pocket. “Can we go out back?”

Ellie frowns at her suspiciously, but then grabs two coat from the coat rack. She hands Beth hers and she takes Alec’s.

As they walk down the hall, she pops her head into the living room. “Be right back. Beth needs a word, we’ll be in the garden.”

Alec looks at her quizzically but she disappears before he has the opportunity to question her.

In the garden, Beth takes out a cigarette and nervously lights it as Ellie watches.

“For god’s sake, you’ve got _me_ on edge now,” she says.

Beth takes a drag and lets it out slowly. “Peter wants to move in together.”

Ellie blinks at her. “That’s what’s got you running around town without a coat?”

“It’s only been seven months, El,” Beth replies. “And moving in together is not like, what it is when you’re young, right? It’s…him movin’ into the house with me and Lizzie. Or us gettin’ a place of our own. And if he moves in then he’s living with me in the house I shared with Mark, in the house where Danny – “ She pauses and takes another drag. “And to move into a whole new place _with_ him seems….extreme.”

Ellie observes her for a moment, then grabs the cigarette and takes her own drag of it. “Well. He’s been staying over at yours regularly for a good while now, hasn’t he?”

Beth shrugs. “Yeah.”

“Then it’ll not be so different really,” she reasons. “Does it feel strange now? Having him stay over in the house you shared with Mark?”

“Not really.”

“Then why do you think it’ll be any different?”

Beth takes the cigarette back. “I mean, he’ll be movin’ his things in, won’t he. And I won’t have the advantage with him bein’ the guest, you know?”

“But that’s a good thing. You can be more on equal footing. Have a more stable relationship.” Ellie reaches for the cigarette again. “Honestly I was shocked at how easy it was when Alec and Daisy moved into the old house with us. It made our relationship so much stronger. And his with the boys, mine with Daisy.”

Beth nods, staring off into the darkness.

“Do you love Peter?”

She hesitates, then nods again. “Yeah. I do.”

“Well then.” She hands the cigarette back to Beth. “Give it a go. We’re none of us getting any younger.”

“Right.” A hint of a smile finally appears on Beth’s face. “Thanks, El.”

*

Once she has armed Beth with enough reasons to take the leap, Ellie sends her back home. Before rejoining her family in the living room, she makes a few mugs of hot cocoa. Tom is hanging up their stockings when she walks in with the tray and sets it down on the coffee table. One for her, one for Fred, and one for Tom. Alec looks at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh don’t you dare try to tell me you’d have drunk it if I’d made you some,” Ellie complains with a roll of her eyes.

“Just have a sip of yours,” Alec compromises, stealing her mug from her. He winces after taking a sip. “Bloody hell, like drownin’ in sugar.”

“I should be so lucky,” she replies wistfully, taking the mug back.

“TIME FOR THE STAR!” Fred shouts happily, the sugar already hitting him hard.

“Right.” Alec plops Aila onto the floor and hoists Fred up instead. “Go on, mate.”

With a massive grin, Fred places the star on the top of the tree. “TA-DA!”

Ellie applauds, glaring at Tom until he does as well. Aila happily joins in.

There’s a brief lull in the music and they can hear Ellie’s mobile ringing from where it sits on the sofa. She navigates her way over to it, stepping over a few boxes, and picks it up.

“Hm. It’s Sinclair.”

Alec’s expression goes neutral. “Does he usually phone you after a routine pap smear?”

“No,” she replies. “And certainly not nearing eight pm on a Saturday.”

Ellie takes her mobile and steps out into the hallway where it’s quiet before answering.

“Hello.”

“Ellie, Sinclair here,” the doctor greets him. “Listen, I’m so sorry to phone you so late, it’s been a madhouse of a day and I’m only now getting to look at your results that came in this morning.”

“…Okay.”

“I think it’s a good idea if you come see me first thing Monday morning. 9am? We’ll chat about a few things.”

“What things?” Ellie is frowning so hard her face is sore.

“And why don’t you go ahead and bring Alec with you if he’s available?” Sinclair suggests.

“Why.”

From the living room, Alec calls for her. “El!”

Dr. Sinclair’s tone of voice changes slightly. “Ellie, I don’t want you to worry, but it’s important that we speak in person, all right? Things are so much trickier over the phone. I’ll see you bright and early on Monday, okay?”

“…Okay.”

“Ellie!” Alec calls again. There’s a bit of commotion from the other room.

“Right then.” Sinclair hangs up.

Ellie stares at her mobile. Slowly, she walks back into the living room. There, Alec is sitting on the floor, and Aila is standing unaided. She takes a step toward him. And then another.

“Come on, darlin’, look at you, keep goin’!”

Aila takes one more step, then falls forward into Alec’s arms. Tom is clapping. Even Fred says, “Yay, Ailie!”

“Well done, my clever, clever girl.” Alec holds her tight and kisses her all over. Then he looks over at Ellie, standing in the doorway. “Did you see that?!”

Ellie can only nod.

*


	2. Chapter 2

“ _Ellie_.”

Alec can see it. It’s all over her face, in her stiff body language, the fear in her eyes. He can’t reconcile it with the joy he feels over his daughter’s first steps.

Aila is rubbing her face on his jumper, the way she does when having all eyes on her suddenly becomes too much. The baby lives for attention but then often becomes shy when she gets too much of it at once. A bit like her mother.

He squeezes her tight, kissing the top of her head over and over, all the while his eyes are on Ellie.

Ellie is wringing her hands together, her eyes slightly glazed over.

Fred is jumping around. He relishes all opportunities for excitement, every chance to expend his great font of energy, even if it means celebrating his vexing little sister.

Tom had been filming it on his mobile and is now texting the evidence to the family group chat for posterity.

Then Aila starts bouncing in his arms, recovered from her fleeting shyness, apparently ready to give it another go. She looks across the room at her mother, flashes her a mostly toothless grin that clearly says, _Did you see that, Mummy? Did you see me?_

She starts wriggling and Alec lifts her over his lap and sets her on the carpet again.

Ellie snaps out of it in time. She comes closer, then kneels on the floor.

“Go on, sweet girl,” she beckons her.

“Go see Mummy,” Alec tells her.

Aila looks back at him as if for confirmation then looks at Ellie with great determination.

“Come on, love.” Ellie holds her arms out to her.

Aila unsteadily takes one step. She pauses, wobbling slightly from one side to the other. Then she takes one more.

“There you are, go on, come on, my good girl,” Ellie continues to beckon her.

Aila tries to take a third step but instead loses her balance and starts to fall forward. Ellie catches her and scoops her up into her arms. Aila squeals with delight as Ellie cradles her and smooches her all over.

Alec watches them, tears pricking at him, for more reasons than one. But he grins and claps his hands. Fred and Tom clap too. Then Aila claps for herself happily.

“Oh, my little genius baby,” Ellie coos. “So very clever, look at you. My gorgeous girl.”

Alec concludes that this is perhaps the best day of their baby’s life thus far. She is elated. He wishes she could remember this when she’s older. But at least _he_ will.

*

They don’t talk about it until all the children have retreated to bed. They put Aila down, then Fred down, then Tom actually consents to hanging out with them for a bit watching _Bake Off_. And finally he too retires to his room, though god knows when he’ll actually go to sleep. Then the baby, as if on cue, wakes up just as Tom closes his door. Ellie goes upstairs to nurse her back to sleep.

When she finally comes back downstairs, Alec is sitting at the kitchen table. He’s poured out two glasses of red wine, the bottle still sits on the table. With a massive exhale, Ellie sits in the chair adjacent to him, tucking one ankle underneath her, and picks up her glass.

“So,” he says, and realizes he’s been holding his breath. He has no idea for how long.

“I’m so proud of our sweet baby,” Ellie replies, blinking back tears.

“Ellie.” He is too, but that’s not the point.

She sighs, leaning her elbow on the table and then rubbing her temple. “He wants to meet 9am on Monday morning,” she tells him. “And he suggested you come along.”

Alec straightens his spine. His mind is already racing. He takes a big sip of his wine in an effort to slow down his thoughts.

“All right.” He looks down, runs a hand through his hair, then looks up again. “Perhaps it’s just menopause.”

She almost smirks. “Don’t think that would require a formal meeting. Certainly not one that requires _your_ presence.”

“Well.” He looks at her, lost. “Perhaps it’s…perhaps you’re pregnant again.”

Ellie already appears exhausted. “Alec.”

“Perhaps, you know, you’re pregnant and he – he’s going to give us a lecture about birth control,” he suggests. “Perhaps the vasectomy didn’t take.”

“Didn’t take?”

“These things happen, don’t they? Cock ups, botched operations.” He clears his throat. “No pun intended.”

She chuckles a bit sadly and reaches for his hand across the table. “I don’t think so, love.”

He squeezes her hand tightly, looking at her with wide, earnest eyes. “What do you think it is then?”

She scratches her head, avoiding his gaze. “Think there must be something properly wrong,” she admits. “Why else would he insist on meeting as soon as possible? And suggest that you join me?”

He leans forward. “There could be any number of things we haven’t considered, that just wouldn’t naturally enter our minds.”

Ellie shakes her head almost imperceptibly, biting her lip to keep the tears from breaking through. “I’m thinking about how tired I’ve been. How strange I’ve been feeling? And the pressure I’ve been feeling….here.” She touches a hand to her lower belly. “…when we’ve been making love.”

He frowns. “I thought that was just – “

“I know, I thought perhaps I’d just bruised myself or something, that it was just sensitive to pressure, but…now I’m thinking it could be more than that.”

He pulls her hand to his lips suddenly and kisses it fiercely. He feels himself coming apart, shattering into shards of himself, he can almost _hear_ the splintering of glass.

But that is _not_ what she needs from him.

“All right.” He looks at her uncertainly, working his way to reassuringly. “Well.” He exhales, unmoored. “All right.”

“There’s no point in thinking about it until we know something,” Ellie says decisively, gently pulling her hand back and placing it in her lap. “Driving ourselves potty coming up with an exhaustive list of possibilities will help no one. So we’re not going to do that.”

“…Right.” He nods, already concerned about his ability to commit.

“Promise me.” She holds his gaze steadily, though there’s a very definite terror in her eyes.

He reaches for her hand again. “Promise.”

They finish their wine in the living room, curled up together on the sofa to admire their newly decorated tree. They share a somber silence, equal parts hopeful and frightened. He makes Sleepytime tea for both of them before they head upstairs and they each take two melatonins. They won’t risk being up all night contemplating possible futures.

Ellie falls asleep on his chest, gripping his t-shirt tightly the way Aila does. He falls asleep only after she has.

*

**DECEMBER 13th**

The next day, Alec and Ellie make an effort to be as busy as humanly possible. It’s tricky, with the weather getting colder and colder by the day, but they manage it. The boys have a game of football in the garden in their parkas. They invite a large mass of people over for Sunday lunch – Lucy, David, Sally, Beth, Peter, and Lizzie. Then they dive into a frenzy of Christmas biscuit-making.

This is a tradition he’s been adopted into. An erstwhile Miller family tradition. Alec remembers coming home to this last year, an unfathomably tiny Aila in her bouncer on the table covered in flour. What a good sport she’d been even then.

 _Now_ Aila refuses to even sit in her highchair. Alec has to keep her on his hip so that she feels as involved as possible. Ellie and the boys do most of the work, naturally. Ellie is not a very good baker, predictably, but she has nailed down quite a few traditional biscuit recipes throughout her life and the results are typically quite passable.

Fred is doing more dancing than baking. And Tom is the real MVP. He corrects all of Ellie’s mistakes before they ruin anything and does his best to keep his brother on task. Aila keeps dunking her hand into bowls of sprinkles and shrieking with delight when Alec playfully chides her.

For a few hours, Alec really does forget.

Ellie does not.

*

She drinks too much wine after the kids go to bed. She says it’s so she’ll go straight to sleep. He offers to watch _The Holiday_ with her even though he hates it. But he doesn’t regret it, because she speaks over the entire film making drunken commentary.

In bed, she asks him to fuck her even though the thought of doing so had not occurred to him. _Please, I really want to fall right to sleep_ , she begs him, knowing the combination of too much wine and orgasm will knock her out properly.

He fucks her from behind, lying on their sides, because now he really is concerned about the soreness in her lower abdomen. He has an arm braced underneath her head and she holds his hand while, with the other, he holds onto her hip. _Harder_ , she says. But he won’t. He gets her off mostly with his hand and she comes quietly but gritting her teeth so hard he swears he can hear it.

Then she falls asleep, without a word, and he stares at the ceiling. All night.

*

 **DECEMBER 14 th**

Aila wakes them up at 6am, full-on crying. They both bolt up with alarm – she never does that. When they enter the nursery together, Aila seems fine, outside of the crying. No fever, nothing.

“Bad dream perhaps,” Alec suggests as Ellie lifts her out of her crib.

She sits with Aila in the rocking chair and nurses her, gently wiping the tears from her cheeks.

She glances across the room at Alec. “Or perhaps she knows something we don’t.”

*

Alec drives them to Sinclair’s practice. He holds her hand across the center console of the front seat.

Dr. Sinclair does not keep them waiting. In fact it seems _he_ had been waiting for _them_.

Sat together in the two chairs opposite the desk in his private office, Alec reaches for Ellie’s hand again but she does not let him take it. She keeps her hands folded in her lap and sits up perfectly straight, primed for anything. Alec scratches his head then crosses one leg over the other.

“Thanks for coming in on such short notice,” Dr. Sinclair says, needlessly. They respond to him with blank stares, both leaning forward ever so slightly. “Ellie, I noticed some abnormalities on your Pap test and before we go any further, I’d like to ask you a few questions.”

Ellie sits up even straighter if possible. “All right.”

“Please tell me if you’ve experienced the following in the last few weeks,” he says. “A simple yes or no is fine.”

She nods.

“Pelvic or abdominal pain.”

“Yes.”

“Uncommon bloating.”

“Possibly.”

“Trouble eating or feeling full quickly.”

“The second one, sometimes.”

Alec is looking back and forth between them with terror.

“Urgency or frequency in your urinary habits.”

“No, not really.”

“All right.” Sinclair nods, jots something down, then continues. “Fatigue?”

“Yes.”

“Upset stomach.”

“Once in a while.”

“Back pain.”

“Some.”

Alec’s eyes widen, he stares at his wife in horror now.

“Pain during sex.”

“A bit.”

“Changes in your period.”

“Still haven’t had it back.”

“Weight loss?”

She nods and cocks her head to the said with a surprisingly smirk. “Not enough.”

Alec is agape.

Dr. Sinclair blinks at her a moment, then quickly jots something else down. Then he stands. “Right, let’s do an exam.”

Alec and Ellie both stand, thoroughly confused, and follow him without a word into the next room.

“We’ll need to do a transvaginal ultrasound. You’ve had this done before,” he says. “I need you to strip from the waist down.” He hands her a cover up and turns away.

Alec and Ellie exchange worried glances, but then she quickly starts taking off her shoes. Once she’s removed her trousers and her knickers, she hands them to Alec and then climbs up on the exam table, placing the cover up over her.

“Ready.”

Dr. Sinclair turns back around and approaches the exam table. He pulls out the stirrups and gestures to her. She knows what to do.

This time she reaches for Alec’s hand. He stands at her side, watching, but unsure what exactly he should be watching for. She keeps looking at him with wide, vulnerable eyes as if he can give her the answer. Christ, he’d do anything to give her the answer.

Dr. Sinclair is frowning in concentration as he inserts the transducer inside her. She winces and Alec squeezes her hand, but after the initial shock of it, she is fine. Used to being poked and prodded down below, she would say.

Sinclair is quiet for several minutes. Could be an hour, as far as Alec might guess. But then finally he removes the device with a heavy exhale.

Sinclair tells Ellie to get dressed and meet him back in his office, then he leaves.

Alec helps Ellie off the table and hands her clothes back to her. As she dresses herself again, he touches her shoulder and asks, “You okay?”

She nods. Then they return to Sinclair’s office.

“Let me start by saying I wish I could be more useful to you just now,” Sinclair begins, folding his hands together and leaning on his desk. “And I want to make certain you understand this is just the first of many tests, we don’t yet have _all_ the information.”

“Yes, yes,” Ellie replies impatiently.

“There appear to be two masses present on your ovaries,” he tells her, speaking slowly. “Now, I’m not able to tell you if those are malignant or not, but – “

Alec leans forward. “Sorry, masses, you’re sayin’ tumors?”

Sinclair gives a slight nod. “Yes. They could be benign. But both the results of your earlier test and your symptoms are, unfortunately, consistent with ovarian cancer.”

Ellie’s heart drops into her stomach and there’s a resulting tightness in her chest. A hand goes to her ribcage to make sure she’s still breathing. She is. She thinks. Is this what breathing is? She can no longer recall.

Alec rubs his face with his hands as if trying to scrub away the last thirty seconds entirely.

Sinclair can only take a breath and continue. “Based on my suspicions I already went ahead and made you an appointment with a gynecological oncologist. The best in southern England, in my opinion,” he tells them. “Dr. Gillian Waverly, in Southampton. She can see you Wednesday morning.”

They simply stare at him, dumbfounded. Sinclair regards each of them individually, then gets up and moves to sit on the edge of his desk closer to them.

“It’s going to be all right,” he says calmly. “With any luck, we’ve caught it early. And that’s the name of the game in these situations. You’ll have excellent care and you have a fantastic support system. You’re well-armed, Ellie.”

Ellie’s eyes are filled with tears, but they do not fall. She nods fervently, though unconvinced, and wrings her hands together in her lap.

“They’ll do surgery, won’t they, they’ll…remove them?” She asks abruptly.

Sinclair opens his mouth and tilts his head before speaking. “Very likely, yes.”

“So if I’d…” She looks down. “If I’d gotten my tubes tied in the summer. Instead of Alec getting his vasectomy. We’d have found it earlier. Wouldn’t we?”

He narrows his eyes at her sadly. “It’s quite possible.”

Alec suddenly feels like he’s outside of his own body. Some unseen force has detached him from himself, pulling him further and further away. He looks at Ellie, as an anchor, but he can’t seem to stop it.

He’s not certain exactly what happens next. If there’s more. Time stretches and shrinks simultaneously, it might be seconds or possibly hours that’ve gone by when all at once Ellie is at the door.

Sinclair is standing. He touches Alec’s shoulder. “Are you all right?” He asks quietly, almost surreptitiously.

Alec nods and stands simultaneously. “…Thank you.” And he follows Ellie out the door.

When she reaches the sidewalk, she just stands there. He takes his place at her side and does the same. Again he’s not sure for how long.

Then she says, “Better get on.”

He blinks at her but she’s immediately walking toward the car. He follows obediently. When she reaches the passenger side, she abruptly turns.

“I’m going to walk.”

“What?” He shakes his head, more to find his focus than to tell her no. “Ellie, let’s just – “

“I’m going to walk,” she says again. She meets his gaze firmly, then squeezes his arm, the combination letting him know she’s made up her mind. “I’ll see you there.”

And then she’s off.

Alec sits in the car for a while. At least long enough that he won’t arrive at CID too long before she does.

The longer he sits, he realizes he’s becoming restless. Restless to tell someone. To talk to someone.

To talk to Ellie.

*

Ellie does arrive at CID before he does. Her office door is shut with her inside.

After a brief moment of hesitation, he raps on the door lightly before opening it.

She looks up.

“You all right?” He asks, feeling like a bloody idiot. But what else can he ask?

Ellie knits her fingers together and takes a breath. “Let’s just crack on. All right? Let’s just – get through the day.”

He stares at her, but then nods. It’s her decision to make.

“Right.” He glances behind him. “I’ll just – um. Right, I’ll go then.”

He turns on his heels and retreats to his office.

*

Ellie immerses herself in her work. Alec gets nothing done.

On a brief sojourn to the kitchen, Alec hears one DC whisper to another, “Ellie just took a case from me,” she says. “Snatched the files right out of my hands and said she was taking over. Don’t think she even knew which case it _was_.”

He sighs knowingly. That sounds about right. He remembers the way she fully submerged herself in Sandbrook during Joe’s trial at the expense of all else.

He looks around CID and wonders if perhaps he should do the same.

*

In the middle of the afternoon, CS Jenkinson appears in his office unannounced.

“A moment?”

He sits up straight and gestures for her to come in and sit down. She does so but closes the door first.

“Right,” she begins. “I wanted you to know ahead of the others that effective January 4th, I will be officially retired from duty.”

Alec’s head is already spinning. He was already teetering on the brink and this has pushed him over the edge.

“It’s time,” Jenkinson continues definitively. “I’ve no idea the process by which my vacant position will be filled but I imagine it will need to be a hasty one. I assume you’ll share this information with Ellie but I ask that it not go beyond the two of you until further notice.”

“Uh. Right, yeah, ‘course.” He blinks rapidly. “I…s’pose congratulations are in order?”

Jenkinson appears pleased. “Thank you, yes. It’s a good thing. A very good thing indeed.”

“Well done then.”

She is gone just as quickly as she came.

*

At 5:30, there’s a rumbling in his stomach and he realizes he hasn’t eaten all day. With a glance at the clock, he swiftly grabs his coat and his briefcase and heads out the door. Suddenly he’s desperate to see his children.

Ellie’s office door is still closed. This time he doesn’t knock. He simply enters.

The lights are off and she’s not at her desk. He frowns until he hears her sniff.

She’s on the floor, in the corner behind her desk chair. Her face is blotchy and she’s hugging her knees. She wipes her nose and tries to look up at him with clear eyes but she can’t hide the glassiness. He refuses to contemplate how long she's been like this. His heart aches too much.

He sets his coat and briefcase down against her desk and then lets out the breath it seems he’s been holding in all day long.

“Oh, love.”

He painstakingly lowers himself on the floor beside her, squeezing in between her small frame and the wall. He wraps both arms around her and pulls her close, kissing her hair. The tears begin pouring out of her again, her body wracked with sobs.

“It’s all right,” he tells her softly. “It’ll all be all right.”

After a few minutes, Ellie breathes in sharply then sniffles. “I thought I could just live my life now,” she confesses, voice cracking. “Be happy. Thought I’d already done The Hard Thing. Made it through to the other side.” She clings to his jacket. “But there’s more, there’s still more. Why is there still more?” Then she breaks down into sobs again. "So bloody naive."

Ellie won’t say it in so many words but _he_ will: “It isn’t fair,” he tells her. “It’s really fucking bloody _un_ fair actually. Complete and total bollocks.” She chuckles just the tiniest bit. “I can’t tell you a thing other than it’ll be all right. Because it will. Dunno how yet, but it will. You have to trust me.”

She nods into his chest, breathing out.

He rocks her a bit, pressing his lips to her forehead.

“Everything’s goin’ to be all right.”

*

In the car, they sit with the key in the ignition, but Alec pauses before turning it.

“What do you need right now?” He asks her quietly.

It pains him to have to ask. He prides himself on being an expert on what she needs, what she wants, what she likes. This time he’s under water.

“D’you want to go down to the sea?” It’s freezing but he’ll do it. “The cliffs? We can just go straight to that Italian restaurant you like at the edge of town, I’ll ask Molly to stay on for a bit,” he suggests. “Can go to the cinema and sit in the dark.” 

Ellie shakes her head, staring straight on.

He hesitates a bit. “I can…bring you by Lucy’s? Or to Beth?”

He forgets sometimes that, even though he knows unequivocally that he is her best friend, has been for years, still she has _other_ close friends, lifelong fixtures of her world she can go to, who bring her comfort.

“Or – “

She places her hand on his arm. “No.” She turns to look at him. “Take me home to our babies please.”

He smiles, then reaches over to stroke her cheek. He’s wildly relieved to hear her say this, but uncertain all the same. He’s not sure she’s ready to see them. That _he’s_ ready to see them. Not convinced that they won’t make her, or both of them, _more_ emotional. The baby, in particular, can often have that effect on them.

“Are you sure?”

She nods again and this time offers him a hint of a smile. “Home.”

“Right.” He tucks her hair behind her ear then pulls his arm back. He turns the key in the ignition. “Radio?”

Ellie nods again.

He switches it on. Christmas music fills the car up quickly and in short order becomes deafening to him. But not to her. It’s Darlene Love singing “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” and she smiles.

He takes a breath, then pushes his foot down on the gas pedal.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all,  
> A few things. I know some of you have concerns about me introducing a "darker" storyline. I get it. One thing I can assure you is that the tone of this series is not going to change. Will there be angsty moments? Absolutely. But this will remain the series you know well. And I'm not veering off course - this has been the plan for some time. I put it off because of the pandemic and I know the pandemic's not over, but this is what feels right now. Sadly 40% of the world's population will get cancer in their lifetime and the Hardys are part of the (albeit fictional) population. If you need to stop reading, that's fine, do you, but please don't criticize me for moving in a direction you don't like. You're welcome to write your own story and do with it as you please. 
> 
> Also: as we move through this storyline, know that I *am* doing a fair amount of research, but I am absolutely not going to get everything right. My focus is on the characters and the relationships as it has always been. My best friend was recently diagnosed with cancer and I'm going through this with her at the same time. Her experience, and Ellie's experience, may be different from what you've known, not all experiences all the same. I'm also not even going to BEGIN to try to understand the nuances of the NHS, full stop. 
> 
> Lastly, thank you all for your continued support and readership. It's wonderful that this series still has avid followers and I'm grateful for that. I know it can be hard to comment, especially now, but I truly appreciate hearing from you - just as you might struggle to find the energy to comment, I often struggle to find the energy to write, so I get it. But if you do get something out of this series, it means a lot to me to hear that and makes it easier to keep going.
> 
> Hope everyone is having a (comparatively) safe and merry holiday season. 
> 
> Thanks,  
> S


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the lovely comments on the last chapter. It was so nice to hear from so many of you and I'm happy to have your support. As we continue on with this storyline, I also want to let you know/remind you that you're always welcome to message me on Tumblr if you have questions or concerns as far as triggers go and things like that - I'm @bitboozy over there too. 
> 
> Merry Christmas to those who celebrate!

**DECEMBER 16 th**

Ellie wakes long before her alarm goes off.

She rolls onto her back and rubs her eyes as the ceiling comes into view. She groans softly, generally discontent to be awake.

Alec, lying on his back beside her, turns his head.

“Mornin’.”

“Oh.” She turns her head to look at him. “How long’ve _you_ been up?”

“Hour or so.”

She reaches a few inches across the duvet for his hand and tangles their fingers together.

“Bit weird that I’m sort of excited, isn’t it.”

Alec snorts quietly and instinctively squeezes her hand. “Possibly.”

“It’ll be nice to have more information, won’t it?” She’s still looking at the ceiling but tilting her head somewhat toward him. “To know definitively what we’re up against. And then to have a _plan_ , oh I’ll give anything for a _plan_ right at this moment.”

“Yeah.”

He strokes the back of her hand with his thumb. He himself is more nervous than excited. He’s terrified they’ll learn it’s worse than they thought, that they _haven’t_ caught it early, that her options are limited, that her time is short, that he’ll have to live the rest of his life without her and –

“That’ll be good,” he agrees.

“It’s the uncertainty that truly gets me, I think,” Ellie continues. “Once we have the _facts_ I think I’ll be all right.”

He nods but he’s quiet.

“D’you think we’ll have to drive to Southampton all the time?” She asks with a genuine curiosity.

He thinks about it only for a second. “Probably.” Then he suddenly has a flashback to two days ago and turns his head toward her. “Forgot to tell you somethin’.”

Ellie rolls over onto her side to face him, separating their hands, and fluffs her pillow underneath her head. “What?”

“Jenkinson’s retirin’.”

Her mouth forms a little _O_ shape. “No.”

He rolls over onto his side as well. “Beginnin’ of the year. January third or somethin’.”

“Blimey.”

He can’t resist stroking her curls behind her ear. “I know.”

Ellie frowns suddenly and blinks rapidly. “Are you thinking of going up for her job?”

He furrows his brow deeply. “No.” The thought genuinely had not occurred to him. He’s not sure if it’s because of the current situation or if he’d have felt the same either way, but regardless. “…No.”

“Because – “

“No,” he repeats firmly, hand drifting down to her cheek. “Don’t want her job. Happy where I am. Only been in _this_ position ten months.”

“I know, but – “ She seems genuinely conflicted.

“Any further promotion will just pull me away from you all even more,” Alec tells her. “I like bein’ home by six. Like bein’ able to put the kids to bed. Things are workin’ just fine.”

“It’s not because of me.”

“Well, ‘course it’s because of you, much rather spend my time with you than on the job.”

“Not because I’m ill.”

“No,” he insists. “Not because you’re ill.” Then he smiles. “Are you a bit miffed because you’d like _my_ job?”

Ellie crinkles her nose and laughs. “ _No_. Feel the same way you do. Like things as they are.” She strokes his arm. “New boss might not be so chuffed about their DCI and DI being married.”

“New boss can go work somewhere else then.”

She pulls him in close and traces the lines on his face with her fingertips. “You know there may be _one_ good thing about us both being up so early…”

He grins mischievously and wraps his arms around her. “And what’s that.”

She kisses him softly, then swiftly parts his lips with her tongue and moves to devour him. He moans his enthusiastic approval as she crawls on top of him. One of his hands glides up underneath her t-shirt while the other moves lower, cupping her arse. He whispers _I love you_ as she reaches into his boxers to stroke him to full hardness. She wriggles out of her knickers then yanks his boxers down before guiding him inside her. _You’re so beautiful_ , he says as she pulls off her t-shirt. She rides him slowly, with her eyes closed, palms flat on his chest. He watches her every move with rapt attention.

“Any pain?” He manages to gasp out, watching for signs of it in her expression.

She just shakes her head, keeps her eyes closed.

Perhaps Sinclair is wrong, he thinks. Perhaps the tests have been swapped. Perhaps he’s growing senile with age. She’s fine, she’s beautiful, she’s happy. There’s no pain. It was all a mistake, a fluke. She’s only forty-four, for god’s sake, she’s technically been pregnant _twice_ this year, how can her reproductive parts suddenly be failing her. Not the love of his life, not his Ellie.

She leans down to kiss him then, possibly sensing his need to be distracted from his pervasive thoughts.

“Stop,” she whispers against his lips, and he realizes she knows. Of course she can tell. “Just be with me.”

In response, he wraps his arms around her and rolls them over so that he’s on top. “With you,” he confirms.

He fucks her slowly, unhurriedly, all thoughts of her illness are banished when he takes one of her breasts in his mouth. She seems relieved. She lets him suck on her nipples for ages even though she’s itching to be fucked harder. When she can’t take it anymore, she wraps her legs around him and locks her ankles, signaling to him that she needs more now. He moves deeper inside her though he’s still a bit hesitant, terrified to unwittingly cause pain. Instead of fucking her harder he brings a hand between them and finds her clit.

But his efforts to bring her closer are futile. She’s nodding encouragingly, eyes closed biting her lip, but he can see it’s not quite happening. Just as he’s about to voice his concern, she unconsciously drops a hand from her forehead to her breast and the sight pushes him over the edge immediately. He gasps out loudly, her name on his lips, then hangs his head, breathing heavily. He moves inside her as long as he can, hoping something will change in her, but it doesn’t.

“Ellie.”

“It’s all right,” she replies calmly, adjusting herself a bit until he’s out of her.

He lies at her side, facing her, a hand on her stomach.

“’m sorry,” he exhales, running his thumb back and forth over her belly button. “Sorry. Let me – “ His hand slides downward, but she stops it with hers.

“No, it’s all right. Really.” She smiles at him as if to reaffirm this. “No surprise I’m a bit tense, is it.”

“But I can help with that,” he insists, placing a kiss on her shoulder. “Let me make you feel good.”

She turns and brings her hand to his cheek. “I appreciate you very much, you know I do. But the moment’s passed.”

He visibly deflates. And all at once it occurs to him that there is likely very little shagging in their future. It’ll become few and far between, surely, dependent on her treatment and her body’s response to it, on surgeries and medication and –

His impending anxiety attack is thwarted by the sound of the baby crying from the monitor.

Ellie looks relieved. She sits up immediately, her feet feeling around the floor for her slippers.

“Her sleep schedule’s really gone bananas,” she comments. “She’s regressing. I swear she knows.”

She stands and walks across the room to grab her dressing gown from the hook by the door.

“She doesn’t know,” Alec tells her.

“Well she doesn’t _know_ she knows, obviously,” Ellie retorts, pulling the robe on and tying it up. “But she may be able to sense something’s off.”

“Just a baby, El.”

Her expression goes stony when she looks at him now. “Yes, well, she’s quite often physically attached to me, it’s not _totally_ out of the realm of possibility that she might be taking some of this on. I mean, who knows, all this stress, maybe it’s made its way into my milk and that’s what I’m giving her and – “ Her eyes fill with tears but her face is red with frustration.

“Look, she’s stopped,” he says, holding the monitor. “Wait and see if she’ll go back to sleep.”

She shakes her head. “She’s my baby and if I want to go nurse her I’ll nurse her.”

Alec frowns at her in confusion.

“I mean, christ, think of it, who knows if – “ She swallows back tears causing an ache in her throat. “I may not be able to breastfeed for much longer, so you can damn well bet I’m going to – “

She chokes up and it stops her mid-sentence. She wipes underneath her eyes, then opens the door and practically runs out of it.

Alec stares at the empty doorway for a moment, an image of her still burned in his retina from staring.

“There’s my sweet baby.”

He hears Ellie cooing at Aila from the monitor and looks down at the screen. He watches her lift the baby out of her crib and move to the rocking chair. She pulls her dressing gown to the side and lets her nurse. Aila happily kicks her legs and flexes her feet.

“There we are, little bug,” Ellie says quietly. “All better now, isn’t it.”

Alec tosses the monitor onto the bed beside him and rubs his face. Then he throws off the duvet and heads off to shower.

*

Elaine Jenkinson fortunately could not be bothered that her two lead detectives are taking nearly the entire day off with little notice. She knows they must have a good reason. And she herself has one foot out the door as it is.

It’s a fifty minute drive from Broadchurch to Southampton. Dr. Waverly’s receptionist has warned them to clear a decent portion of the day, though she does not go into detail as to why. They each bring tea in a thermos for the drive. Ellie insists they put a podcast on, though neither of them pay much attention.

Dr. Waverly’s office is located within the hospital campus. As Alec pulls into the car park he has a distinct awareness of the fact that this is likely to become a second home to them. He feels an immediate and nearly paralyzing sense of dread.

The office is quite nice actually. Its décor is separate from the drab neutrals of the rest of the hospital. When they enter the waiting room, Alec wonders if the receptionist’s warning had been related to long wait times and he doesn’t think he can take it. Let alone watch Ellie have to take it.

But they are led into Dr. Waverly’s office straight away. They enter hand in hand, a united front. Gillian Waverly looks to be roughly Ellie’s age and she finds this oddly comforting. Her smile is polite, if not warm, and she has a calm about her that’s catching.

After introducing themselves, they are invited to sit opposite Dr. Waverly’s desk and she takes her place behind it.

“So. Happy you could come all this way.”

Ellie waves this off. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.”

“Time _is_ of the essence with these things,” Dr. Waverly replies. “It’s important that we move forward as quickly as possible.”

“Right.”

Ellie seems to shrink into herself. Alec reaches for her hand again. He finds himself wishing to god they could sit together on a sofa or something instead of separate chairs. He wants to be as close to her as possible.

“Let me tell you how today is going to work so you have a sense of things.” She’s leaning forward with her elbows on her desk. “First we’ll have a chat. It’s important for me to start getting to know you – what your life is like, your work situation, your support system, medical history, things like that. I find treatment is more effective and efficient when it’s personal, personalized, what makes sense for your life is what’s key to your recovery.”

They nod.

“Then we’ll do some more tests. Full panel of blood work, ultrasound, vaginal exam, CAT scan. Enough to give us a more complete picture of what we’re dealing with,” she says. “This is why you should plan to be here a while. I’ll conduct most of the tests myself and then push the rest through the lab as quickly as possible – oncology has its own lab here, precisely _because_ time is of the essence, so we’ll get your results while you’re here.”

They nod.

“Then we’ll break for lunch. I’ll study your tests results and look at your scans, you go to a café or something and have a proper meal,” she tells them. “This is important. Remembering to eat and eat well, while you can, is important. Helps you stay focused and clear-headed.”

“Right,” Ellie says.

“After lunch, we’ll meet back here. Discuss our findings, explain to you exactly what’s happening. Then we’ll begin making a treatment plan together. All right?”

They nod eagerly.

“Good. Now take a breath, relax your shoulders, unclench your fists,” Dr. Waverly tells them. “You’re in good hands now. Things are in motion. Right in this moment you are doing everything you can possibly do and all that matters now is what’s happening inside this room.”

To both their surprise, they listen and do as their told. And it works. They do feel better already. They share a brief smile before turning back to her.

Dr. Waverly sets up a legal pad before her and opens up a file folder.

“Right. Eleanor Jane Hardy, forty-four years old, occupation…” She blinks and looks up. “Detective.”

“Yes,” Ellie replies, sitting up straight. “I’m the Detective Inspector for Broadchurch CID. And Alec.” She gestures at him. “Is Detective Chief Inspector.”

“…Ah. Right. So, you work together then, similar hours?”

“Yeah, mostly,” Alec replies.

“Lot of crime in idyllic Broadchurch?” Dr. Waverly raises a slightly intrigued eyebrow.

“Not really, no,” Ellie answers. “Mostly misdemeanors. The occasional burglary or assault, but we do get a missing person now and then, the odd murder.”

Alec smirks at her phrasing.

“The hours are mostly consistent, we average about 8:30 to 5:30-6 on a good day,” she continues. “Unless there’s a major case, then it’s all hours.”

Dr. Waverly nods and flips a page in her file. “Right, and you have children…three?”

“Four,” Ellie replies. “Three natural born to me, plus Alec’s daughter Daisy, who’s just started uni at Edinburgh.”

“And they are how old.” Dr. Waverly looks for the information in the files herself as well.

“Well Daisy’s eighteen. Tom sixteen, Fred six, and we’ve an eleven-month-old as well.”

Dr. Waverly has hit upon this final fact in her file just as Ellie plainly states it. She looks up, a flash of immense sympathy passing over her, then her neutral expression returns. But Ellie catches it, her heart sinking, breath catching. She saw it clearly – the devastation at the vaguest idea of a small baby without a mother. Of a mother fighting for her life unable to focus on the joys of her small baby. Either way. Both ways.

Ellie looks down at her hands clasped in her lap.

“You were recently pregnant,” Dr. Waverly says, simultaneously a statement and a question.

“Erm, yes,” Ellie replies quickly. “I had a miscarriage six, seven months ago.”

“I see, you were how far long?”

“Actually I don’t know exactly,” she confesses. “We hadn’t known I was pregnant when it happened. So, quite early on.”

Dr. Waverly nods. “Right.”

Ellie finds herself frowning. “Do you think I could’ve had the tumors while I was pregnant?”

The doctor looks up. “Let’s hold off on making any assumptions for now.”

“Right.”

“History of cancer in the family?” Dr. Waverly asks, pen poised.

Ellie tilts her head to the side and closes one eye as she thinks. “Paternal grandmother died of it. Pancreatic, I think. And my mother’s sister had colon cancer, made it through right enough.”

As Dr. Waverly writes, she continues. “Are your parents still alive?”

“Half of them,” Ellie replies with sad, sheepish smile. Alec squeezes her hand. “Dad’s still at it, Mum passed away about four years ago. Stroke.”

“Siblings?”

“My sister, Lucy. Six years older. Never been ill a day in her life unless you count an addiction to gambling and a penchant for boozing.”

“Are you close to them?” She asks. “Your father and sister. Are they nearby?”

Ellie nods. “Yes, both less than two miles away. We’re fairly close.”

“Good.” Dr. Waverly writes that down. “And what about you, Alec, is your family in the picture?”

Alec blinks. “Mine?”

“Just looking to understand Ellie’s support system.”

“Ah, right,” he replies. “My family’s in Scotland, but pretty extensive. We speak to them fairly frequently and a number of them wouldn’t hesitate to come down and help if needed.”

“Great, that’s good.” She writes that down. “While we’re on the subject of Alec, how long have you the two of you been married?”

“Not quite a year,” Ellie replies, oddly a little embarrassed. “Together two years, two and a half years. Known one another for about…” She glances over at him. “Six?”

He nods. “Six, about.”

“So the baby is the only one natural born to both of you.”

“Yes, but we’re all quite close. Alec’s obviously legal guardian to my boys and they’ve taken his name,” Ellie explains. “And Daisy and I are thick as thieves.”

Dr. Waverly looks at Ellie. “Divorced or widowed?”

Ellie is thrown by the question but recovers quickly, though she genuinely has to think about the answer. “Divorced.”

“You said your children have taken Alec’s name, I take it their biological father is not in the picture.”

“No.”

“Fine then.”

Alec is frowning. “This all goes to support system?”

Dr. Waverly looks up. “Yes. It does actually.”

Alec nods, schooled.

“Can you describe to me in simple terms your childcare situation?”

“We have a nanny,” Ellie tells her. “More or less full time. Mostly for the baby, but she looks after our six-year-old for a bit after school. We’ve been hoping to move into more of a daycare situation once the baby is over a year old, to socialize her.”

Dr. Waverly looks at her steadily. “Right, I don’t recommend that now, if you can possibly help it. As you know children are magnets for germs and in a daycare situation, especially at the start, your daughter is going to bring home every germ in the place. While you’re in treatment it’s important that you take every measure to avoid other illness, to the best of your ability.”

“Oh.” Both Ellie and Alec appear startled by this. “Right, yes. I s’pose…that makes sense,” she says.

“And besides the nanny, you mention your family nearby, are they game for childminding?”

“Oh yes,” Ellie answers. “My father and sister take the kids on quite frequently. I have another close friend who does as well. And as Alec said, his family, in particular his sister, would not hesitate to look after them as needed.”

“Excellent. Now, shifting gears.” She’s back to business immediately. “Am I to understand you’ve not had your period back since the birth of your daughter?”

“Uhm.” Ellie shifts her weight. “I’ve not had it properly in six years. There was a period of time about, oh three years or so ago where I got it two or three times. But that’s it.”

Dr. Waverly maintains eye contact with her. “And why is that?”

“Well. First I was pregnant with my son, didn’t get my period back after that really. After he was born, I was nursing for a while, then I was under….enormous stress for…a few years honestly. It just didn’t come back. Then three years ago I went back on birth control more consistently. Although not…consistently enough, apparently, because I got pregnant. So then there was that, pregnancy and then the birth of our daughter, been breastfeeding ever since, though I did go back on birth control for a bit. But then Alec got a vasectomy.”

Alec shrinks three sizes in his chair.

“I thought it might come back in the last few months since then, since I’ve been off birth control of any kind, but it hasn’t,” she finishes. Then her eyes narrow. “Is this why?”

Dr. Waverly has been listening intently. “…It could be.” She writes something down. “You’ve also been quite fertile, no?”

Ellie manages a chuckle. “Evidently yes.”

“And you’ve carried three children to term, plus your recent miscarriage.”

She nods. “And another miscarriage about thirteen years ago.”

“Okay.”

Alec watches Ellie in a way that’s not at all subtle, searching for signs of anxiety or fear on her face. But they don’t show. He nearly jumps in his chair when Dr. Waverly suddenly turns to _him_.

“Alec. How’s _your_ health?” Sensing both of their hesitance, Dr. Waverly elaborates. “If I am to assume you will be Ellie’s primary caretaker and source of support – “

Ellie winces at the term _caretaker_.

 _She_ is the caretaker. She has _always_ been the caretaker. Of _everyone_.

“Yes,” Alec answers quickly. “Yes, yes. Um.” He takes a breath. “Well, touch and go, frankly.” He chuckles a bit ruefully. “My heart’s a bit of a wild card.”

“That’s not a metaphor,” Ellie adds.

“Go on.”

“I’ve a pacemaker,” he tells her. “To monitor and correct cardiac arrhythmia.”

“I see.” Dr. Waverly pauses briefly. “And how’s that going?”

“Fine.” He shrugs. “No issues really, since it was implanted.”

“Would you say your health is a concern at the moment?”

“Ah, no,” Alec replies, then looks at Ellie. She half-smiles and nods, a bit uncertainly. “Not a concern.”

“Okay.” Dr. Waverly seems uncertain as well but accepts this and scribbles on her pad. “Right, final question for the moment and I hope by now it’s clear to you where these questions are coming from and why they’re important.”

Alec and Ellie nod.

“Are either or both of you currently seeking assistance for mental health?” She asks, then quickly clarifies. “Are you in therapy?”

“Yes,” Ellie answers easily. “We both are. Separately. We have our own therapists, that is.”

Dr. Waverly is pleased. “Good. How often do you go?”

“Once a week, generally,” Alec says.

“Good. You’ll want to keep that up.” She closes her file. “Right then. Let’s move onto phase two.”

*

The next few hours feel like a whirlwind. There are imaging tests, ultrasounds, pelvic exams, and seemingly endless panels of blood work. During the paracentesis, Alec has to close his eyes. Even the thought of it causes a wave of nausea.

But Ellie is calm, cool, and collected throughout. She seems to be functioning clinically, or perhaps she’s outside of herself, going through the motions, doing precisely as she’s told without allowing herself to give it much thought.

At one point a nurse asks Alec if he’d like to have some water and get some fresh air, but he declines. Whatever stress and anxiety he may be feeling is nothing compared to what his wife is enduring and if she can’t go get some fresh air, he won’t either.

After the last test, Ellie changes back into her clothes – a green knee-length sweater dress and red stockings, as she is desperate to be festive – and they are instructed to physically leave the hospital for lunch and return in ninety minutes.

In the car, they sit in silence for a moment, breathing for the first time in hours.

Finally he says, “There’s a café about a four minute drive from here that I think you’d like.”

She blinks at him. “Didn’t realize you knew Southampton at all.”

“…I looked it up on my mobile while you were in the CAT scan,” he replies. “Looked at menus until my eyes crossed.”

She smiles, reaching for his arm and holding it, resting her head on his shoulder. He kisses her hair. They breathe.

“They have a chickpea salad. You love chickpea salad.”

Ellie kisses his arm then snuggles against him. “I do.”

Suddenly there’s a tightening in his chest and he says, “I love you very much.”

She looks up at him with glassy eyes, chin resting on his shoulder, and smiles briefly.

“They have a spanakopita too,” he adds.

She leans up a bit and kisses his lips. “Thank you.”

She touches her forehead to his and closes her eyes. He strokes her cheek with the back of his hand.

“I think you’re bloody brilliant,” he tells her, whispering only because his breath has caught in his throat.

Ellie grips the lapel of his shirt and lays her head back on his shoulder.

“Will you just hold me for a bit first?”

He snakes his arm around her without hesitation.

*

It’s close to 2pm when they reconvene in Dr. Waverly’s office. This time, she is armed with more files and papers than before. She has a very large cup of coffee on her desk.

Alec pulls his chair closer to Ellie’s before he sits, having learned his lesson from earlier.

“Right then. How are we feeling?” Dr. Waverly asks.

Neither one of them has any idea how to answer that.

“Overwhelmed, yes, fair enough,” the doctor concludes. “I’ll get right to it then. This is all based on the information gathered this morning and we’ll continue to learn more as we go. What we’re looking at are malignant epithelial ovarian tumors. This is the most common form of ovarian cancer.”

Ellie grips Alec’s hand tightly and stops breathing.

“We need to remove them. And once we do, we’ll have even more information about next steps, so please know that what we discuss today is based on our most current understanding and can change,” she tells them. “Best guess is grade one epithelial ovarian carcinomas – which essentially is another word for tumors. Most likely type one. What this means is the carcinomas look more like normal tissue, which is good. It also means that they’re more likely to grow slower and cause fewer symptoms. That’s also good. I believe we’re looking at Stage II, which means that the cancer is not confined only to your ovaries but to your fallopian tubes and possibly your uterus. Surgery will tell us more.”

“Stage II, that’s bad?” Ellie asks, her voice quivering.

“Well, no, not necessarily, the stages go up to four,” Dr. Waverly explains. “Ovarian cancer frequently goes undetected until stages three or four, which is why it’s considered one of the more aggressive cancers.”

Alec swallows hard.

“But it appears we’ve caught it early. Which is incredibly fortunate. This is often the best we can hope for in this situation,” she tells them. “Hang on to that. Next step is to do a laparotomy to remove the cancerous tissue and debulking if needed – removing all visible cancer. Then we’ll have a more definitive understanding of how much the cancer has spread and we’ll be able to nail down a more detailed treatment plan. But my best guess is that we’ll follow surgery with several weeks of radiation. We won’t know any further steps until we understand how it responds to the radiation.”

“Radiation is – different from chemo,” Ellie says.

“Yes,” she replies. “There are a number of differences but if hair loss is on your mind, it’s quite rare actually.”

“I’m, um.” Ellie looks down, wringing her hands together in her lap, then looks up with a grimace. “I’m actually wondering more about breast-feeding.”

“Oh.” There’s that look again. And again, it passes quickly. “Right. Well, good news there, the kind of radiation we’re likely to use is external, and that means it’s perfectly safe to continue breast-feeding should you choose to, though you may experience a bit of trouble with lactation.”

Ellie is awash with relief. She breathes out.

“Chemotherapy is another story,” Dr. Waverly continues tentatively. “But chemo is in fact rarely effective in cases like yours so right now we’ll put that in the unlikely column.”

“So this is good,” Alec says, looking back and forth between the two women. “This is – we’ve got the good type.”

Ellie smirks at him. “ _We_.”

Dr. Waverly nods. “From what I can understand now, I’m optimistic about your prognosis, yes.”

Alec and Ellie both breathe just the tiniest bit easier.

“But as I said, this type of cancer can become quite aggressive quite quickly so it’s important that we move as swiftly as possible,” she adds.

“Right,” Alec says quickly. “Of course.”

Dr. Waverly leans forward. “Now, I think this bit might perhaps go without saying, but I do need to confirm with you that once the surgery is complete, you will not be able to have any more children.”

“Oh.” Ellie almost laughs. “Alec’s had a vasectomy so we certainly weren’t planning on it anyhow.” She turns to him. “Turns out you didn’t need to get one after all.”

He shakes his head at her with wry smile. “Quiet, you.”

“Right, so, there’s not much more I can tell you at the moment. Let’s move forward with scheduling your surgery as soon as possible, then we’ll discuss the results and determine next steps,” Dr. Waverly says. “Last thing is – I know you’ll be tempted in this age of information to fall down a Google rabbit hole, so to speak. I would urge you not to do that. There is _endless_ content out there and much of it won’t be relevant to your case at all. Please do not torture yourselves by relying on the internet for answers to your questions. I promise I will always be transparent with you and give you as much information as I can, as I have it.”

“Yes, all right.” Ellie nods, then looks at Alec, who nods a bit more reluctantly.

“Right. Good. Any questions?”

The surgery is scheduled for twelve days hence, delayed slightly due to the holidays, on Monday, December 28th.

Alec and Ellie leave the hospital with an appointment card and several pamphlets and it doesn’t feel like enough.

 _This is it?_ Alec finds himself thinking. _They’re just going to let her go? Walk out of this hospital with deadly tumors growing inside her?_ He wants to beg Dr. Waverly to just do it, do it now, get those horrible things out of his wife immediately. And yet Ellie seems relieved. She’s happy for the time to adjust and to prepare, to absorb the information and steel herself for what’s to come.

On the drive home, they’re both quiet, though their fingers are entwined. Ellie looks out the window in a daze while Alec puts all of his energy into focusing on the road.

Just outside of Broadchurch, Alec squeezes her hand and asks, “Not sure it makes sense to go into work at all.”

Ellie looks at the clock radio. It’s nearly 4pm already. “No, right. And I’ve had no messages, have you?”

“Dunno.”

He nods at his mobile, sitting in the center console, and she picks it up to check.

“Just from Molly,” she says. “We forgot to tell her Fred was going home with Ryan today after school. Looks like she sorted it with Michelle.”

“We’ll make it up to her by comin’ home early then,” he replies.

“Let’s stop for some gin, we’re all out.” She texts Molly back quickly on his mobile. “And we’ll grab her a bottle of wine as an apology.” She keeps typing. “I’m texting Katie that we’ll not be in after all. If she has any objections she’ll tell us.”

Alec indicates left. “Home then.”

*

Aila is on the floor playing with her toys when her parents walk through the door. She immediately starts crawling at lightning speed in their direction. Alec takes Ellie’s coat, then she eagerly scoops the baby up.

“Hello, my little bug.”

Alec hands a nice bottle of red to Molly sheepishly. “Sorry for the confusion today,” he says. “You can take off early.”

The last thing they need right now is for their nanny to quit or rethink her loyalty. Fortunately Molly seems more than satisfied and leaves the house with a little extra pep in her step.

“We can’t forget to give her a Christmas bonus,” Ellie says, dodging Aila’s fingers in her mouth.

“Right, I’ll make a note.”

“I’m going to nurse her, then please immediately make me a g&t. A large one.”

She plops down on the sofa with the baby.

“Yes, my wife.”

Alec heads into the kitchen with the bottle of gin. He returns shortly thereafter with her cocktail and a scotch for himself just as her mobile rings. She pulls it out of her pocket carefully without dislodging Aila.

“…It’s Michelle.” She grimaces at Alec, then answers it. “Hi, Michelle. No, that’s all right. What’s he – oh. Really? No, no, I understand, believe me. We’re home early actually, I’ll just pop over and fetch him. No trouble at all. Sorry for all the grief, he gets a bit…dramatic around the holidays. Right, cheers. See you soon then.”

She hangs up and sighs.

“Fred all right?” Alec asks.

“Bit of a meltdown, I’m afraid,” Ellie tells him. “Says he’s been begging for _me_.”

“The plot thickens.” He sits down beside her, setting both drinks on the coffee table. “You get him, I’ll contemplate supper?”

Aila sits up and smiles at her father. He reaches for her and pulls her into his lap.

“Do more than contemplate,” Ellie replies, standing up with a groan.

“Can do a bangers and mash?”

“Yes please.” She leans down and kisses him. “Back soon.”

*

Fred runs directly into Ellie’s arms when she arrives to fetch him. He clings to her thighs.

“Sorry, Ellie,” Michelle says, standing by the door.

“No, please, _I’m_ sorry.” She leans down. “Fred, love, can you apologize to Mrs. Flynn for making such a fuss?”

“Sorry,” Fred murmurs, his face smashed into Ellie’s stomach.

“Did you say goodbye to Ryan?” The other boy is nowhere to be found.

Fred nods.

“All right then. Off we go.”

In the car, Ellie eyes her son in the backseat from the rear view mirror.

“Are you going to tell me what the trouble is?”

“Wanted to see you,” Fred replies matter-of-factly, ironically looking out the window instead of at her.

“You’d have seen me anyway an hour from now when Mrs. Flynn dropped you off at home,” Ellie replies.

“Wanted to see you _now_. I don’t see you for the whole _day_.”

“Well, that’s right, I see you in the morning, then you go to school, then you have a few hours for schoolwork and to play, then you see me,” Ellie reminds him. “And then you have me at the weekend. That’s how it is for most kids.”

“I know,” Fred replies glumly.

“Were you afraid I wasn’t going to come home tonight? That I might go away to London again?” She questions, trying valiantly to get to the root of the issue.

“I dunno.” He shrugs his shoulders dramatically. “Sometimes mums and dads go away for a long time.”

“But _I_ never have.”

“My old dad did,” Fred reasons. “Joe did.”

Fred has in recent months taken to referring to his biological father simply as _Joe_ , to avoid confusion with his current _real_ dad, as he says.

“…Yes, love, but you know why.”

“Because he couldn’t take care of me,” he says. “He couldn’t be a dad anymore.”

“That’s right.”

“And if it could happen to him it could happen to _you_.” He continues to look out the window, avoiding her gaze.

“What?” Ellie nearly stops the car.

“People never think things are gonna happen to them but then they do. Just because it _seems_ impossible doesn’t mean it _is_ impossible,” Fred insists, finally looking at her through the rearview mirror.

“Me going away _is_ impossible, Fred, I promise you,” she replies firmly. “I’ll never, ever go away, no matter what. Neither will Alec.”

“But I bet Joe used to think that too. I bet he thought that before he did the bad thing.” He looks down at his lap. “I bet Tom thought Joe would never, ever leave too. And he did.”

She frowns deeply. “Why have you been thinking about this?”

“Nemo lost his dad and before that his mummy died. Tarzan’s mummy and daddy were killed by a leopard. Lilo’s parents died. Anna and Elsa’s parents died. Simba’s daddy died in the big stampede. Mulan’s daddy died in war. And Harry Potter’s mum and dad – “

“All right, all right,” Ellie stops him. “Those are just films, little love. Those are fiction, they’re not real. They’re just to help tell a good story.”

“Why can’t there be a good story with parents?”

“What about _Inside Out_? Or _The Incredibles_? And _Brave_?”

“Yeah.”

Ellie sighs. “Daddy and I aren’t going anywhere, sweetheart.”

“But what if you _do_?”

“Not happening.”

Fred leans back and looks out the window again. Ellie alternates between watching him and watching the road. And then:

“Mumma.”

“Yes, love.”

“Can we do my letter to Father Christmas tonight?”

She smiles and breathes a sigh of relief. “Absolutely.”

*

The minute they enter the house, Fred calls out _Daddy!_ and runs full speed into the kitchen. Ellie lingers in the foyer, hanging up coats and setting aside damp shoes.

In the kitchen, Fred has already dragged over his little step ladder next to Alec to be his sous chef. And to her surprise, Tom is sitting at the kitchen table, ostensibly doing homework, with Aila on his lap. Ellie grins from the doorway, knowing Aila must have insisted upon being held by her big brother.

“Mumma, I’m gonna smash the potatoes,” Fred announces.

Ellie walks over to Tom and kisses the top of his head, lingering there for perhaps too long.

“Mum.”

“Sorry.” She straightens again. “Gonna go change.”

“Mummum,” Aila says.

Ellie touches the baby’s cheek, then continues on her way.

In the bedroom, Ellie yanks off her stockings and then runs out of steam. She sits on the edge of the bed and exhales, staring off.

She has absolutely no idea how much time has passed when Tom appears in the open doorway. When she hears his voice, she feels like she’s just been startled out of a deep sleep.

“Mum.”

Ellie turns her head, blinking rapidly until she feels grounded again.

“Are you coming down?” Tom asks. “Alec’s asking.”

She nods a bit too enthusiastically. “Yeah, on my way.”

“You’ve not changed.”

She looks down at herself. “Right.”

There’s a pause. Tom shifts his weight from one side to the other. “How many people for Christmas lunch?”

“Um.” Ellie presses her fingers to her temple. Maths is so far beyond her capabilities at the moment. “The six of us. Granddad, Sally.” She pauses. “I think Alec may have invited Jocelyn and Maggie but that’s worth checking on.”

“No Auntie Lucy?”

“No, she’s off to Copenhagen with Olly, remember?”

“Right,” Tom replies. “…Can Chelsea come?”

Ellie frowns at him. “No.”

“But – “

“Sorry, no,” she says firmly. “She has her own family.”

“She _really_ hates them though, like properly.”

Ellie all but rolls her eyes. “She’s sixteen. She’ll get over it.”

Tom appears mildly offended by this. But when he opens his mouth again, Ellie beats him to it. “No, sweetheart. Full stop.”

He groans. “Fine.”

Tom trudges away and back down the stairs.

*

After a supper during which Ellie says surprisingly little, she refreshes her gin and tonic then quietly tells Alec she’s going to go up and have a bath. Fred has already run off to the living room to set up the evening’s viewing entertainment, _Arthur Christmas_.

Alec nods and rubs her arm. “You okay?”

Ellie nods back.

“D’you want me to come get you to put the baby down?”

She stops to think about it. “No, I can’t nurse her.” She holds up her glass. “Best if you just give her a bottle and put her down.”

She kisses the top of Aila’s head, then her cheek, before disappearing.

*

Ellie is still soaking in the clawfoot bathtub when Alec appears in the doorway, hands in his pockets.

“El.”

She rubs her eyes, inadvertently swiping soap across her brow, and looks back at him. “Film done already?”

He shakes his head. “No, still goin’. Just got Aila down.”

Ellie nods and sinks a bit lower into the water. Her hair is held up and back with a clip, her toes sticking out of the water at the other end.

“Been in here a good hour,” Alec tells her.

“Sorry. Do you need me?”

“No.” He leans against the doorframe, concerned eyes on her. “What was the trouble with Fred earlier?”

“Oh. I don’t know really, he nearly knocked me clean over when I fetched him. When I questioned him, he just said he ‘wanted to see me.’ And then he had a whole thing about cartoon parents dying or disappearing.”

Alec frowns. “…Really.”

“Simba, Tarzan, Anna and Elsa, on and on and on. _Harry Potter_ for god’s sake.” She pauses, pursing her lips. “Then he mentioned Joe. Joe leaving and not coming back. And he understands _why_ , at least I think he does, but he’s now on about how that could happen to you or me. That just because we’re not expecting it doesn’t mean it can’t happen.”

“Jesus,” Alec mutters under his breath.

“Yeah, I dunno. Perhaps we monitor his viewing habits a little more closely for a while,” she suggests. “No erstwhile parents even in fiction.”

After a brief moment, Ellie sits up, then hoists herself out of the tub. Alec steps further into the loo to hand her her towel.

“Ta.”

She wraps it around herself then he holds out a hand to help her step out of the tub.

“It’s strange, you know,” Ellie tells him. “Aila’s sleep issues. Fred’s new anxieties. They have a sense of it, I swear.”

Alec leans back against the doorframe again, watching her towel dry her hair.

“When do you want to tell them?”

Ellie turns to him, eyes wide. “Well not ‘til after Christmas certainly.”

Alec furrows his brows. “Your surgery’s on the 28th.”

“So the 27th then.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “Don’t you think we should give them a bit of time to adjust before then?” He asks. “And Daisy, we need to do it while Daisy’s here. She’s due to leave for soddin’ _Fiji_ on the 27th with Tess.”

This gives her pause, but she doubles down. “It’s _Christmas_ , for god’s sake. We’re not taking that from them.”

“Ellie, the longer we wait, the more chance there is Tom will pick up on it. Or Daiz once she’s here. Then we’ll be accused of keepin’ it from them.”

“We _are_ keeping it from them.” Ellie takes a comb and begins running it through her hair.

Alec finds himself straightening, on the offensive. “Tom’s had enough lies for one childhood, don’t you think?”

Ellie glares at him, dropping the comb onto the sink. “I don’t want to do it until we know how – “ She swallows. “’Til we know how bad it is. ‘Til we have a real plan to give them. Concrete information.”

“Ellie.”

“Don’t want to do it until we _know_ ,” she says firmly, her gaze piercing through him.

“Until we know _what_ exactly?”

She takes a breath then brushes past him into the bedroom.

“Until we know if it’s going to kill me.”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick timeline note to say that yes, I realize that Aila was around last Christmas and yes, she's still eleven months old here. Things get a bit wonky in the timeline because if I'm going to write holidays, I like to do it DURING the holidays so I ask for your suspension of disbelief. I try to stay true to all continuity outside of the timeline though, and hopefully that's enough! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**DECEMBER 19 th**

“It’s just like Legos, Mumma.”

Fred fits two pieces of gingerbread together and seals them with icing.

“Gonna make a big Hogwarts for Daisy.”

Ellie is on the floor beside him. He has taken over the entire coffee table in the living room with his gingerbread project. On the television, volume on low, is _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_.

“That’s quite a lot for you to accomplish by tomorrow,” Ellie notes skeptically.

Fred pops a gumdrop in his mouth. “I’m a master builder.”

“Right, well, just be sure you’re not eating more than you’re building, mister,” she says, getting to her feet.

“Master builders need sugar to keep up their strength,” Fred informs her.

“Uh huh.”

With a yawn, she walks over to the window and stands before it, watching snow fall onto the three inches that have fallen already.

“Hope this doesn’t delay Daisy’s train tomorrow,” she says to herself, folding her arms across her chest.

Tom comes bounding down the stairs and swings around the doorway to the living room. “We have any more wrapping paper?”

“In the pantry,” Ellie replies absently.

Tom furrows his brow at her.

“I know, I know,” she says. “ _Mr_. Hardy hasn’t a clue how to organize a household.”

He rolls his eyes then heads down the hallway. “Good job he can cook!”

From her position at the window, Ellie watches as Alec’s car pulls into the drive. To her own surprise, she breathes a sigh of relief. She hadn’t realized she’d been worried about him driving in the snow. He’d set out about an hour earlier, when the snow had just started and seemed fairly harmless. Aila was refusing her nap and he’d had the bright idea to drive her around for an hour, knowing how easily she conks out in the car. She hadn’t wanted to phone and check in on them because she didn’t want him _answering_ his mobile during a snowstorm.

Squinting, she notices Lucy is in the passenger seat beside him.

“…Auntie Lucy’s here,” she says out loud to Fred.

“Good she can help me with the towers,” Fred replies without looking up.

She looks back at him and frowns. “And I can’t?”

“No you’re not good at building with food.”

Ellie turns back to the window. Alec has just unbuckled Aila from her car seat. She sits in his arms, bundled up in her little blue snowsuit and woolen hat. It’s hard to tell if she’s grumpy because hasn’t napped or because she hates all forms of outerwear with a passion.

Lucy heads straight for the porch, making footprints in the otherwise untouched snow, and Alec follows with Aila.

“Hello!” Lucy calls out, stomping her boots on the mat in the foyer.

Tom walks in from the kitchen with two rolls of wrapping paper. Alec steps into the house behind Lucy, stamping his feet as well. Aila immediately starts yanking at her hat. Alec sighs and pulls it off her, tossing it into a large pile of puffy jackets.

When she sees Ellie appear from the living room, Aila quickly puts on a pouty face again and holds out her arms. “Mumumum,” she whines pitifully.

“Oh my goodness, is Daddy torturing you with warmth?” She accepts the baby’s advances and holds her. “How dare he.” She steps over to Lucy and kisses her cheek. “This is a surprise.”

“Stopped over at Lucy’s to use the loo,” Alec confesses, unzipping his jacket.

“Very pleased to be such a popular destination,” Lucy replies.

As they divest themselves of their jackets, Ellie frees Aila from her snowsuit, unzipping it and peeling it off her. Tom continues on his way back up the stairs after greeting his aunt.

“Did she sleep?” Ellie asks Alec.

“A bit. Maybe thirty minutes.” He hangs up his jacket, unlike the rest of the family who have simply piled theirs on the floor like heathens. “Thought I’d drag Lucy over for supper since we’ve got lasagna on the menu.”

“I’ve emptied my refrigerator in preparation for the trip,” Lucy says. “No sense in buying more food that’ll just go bad while I’m gone.”

Lucy walks past her sister into the living room, where Fred remains deep in concentration.

“Oooh, Fred, look at you,” Lucy says excitedly. “Hard at work on a gingerbread house, are we?” She sits on the floor beside him to observe his work so far.

“It’s a gingerbread _Hogwarts_ ,” Fred informs her, matter-of-factly.

“Ah, so it is.”

From the doorway, Ellie looks at her husband. “Why’s Lucy _really_ here?”

Alec hesitates. For a moment he contemplates perpetuating his lie or at least keeping it going a bit longer. But it’s no use. She reads him like a book.

“You need to tell someone, El.”

Ellie frowns. Aila yanks at her necklace then pops the pendant into her mouth.

“No,” she says firmly.

“Secrets fester,” Alec tells her, then lowers his voice even more. “And if we’re not goin’ to tell the kids yet – “

“Hush.” She waves him off. “If I tell Lucy, she’ll want to stay here for Christmas. She’ll abandon the whole Copenhagen thing.”

“So what if she does?”

“Don’t want people changing their plans for me,” Ellie says. “Or treating me differently or – doing anything at all out of the ordinary. Lucy should go to Denmark and be with Olly for Christmas. That’s what she wants to do and not telling her is my Christmas gift to her.”

Aila starts squirming in Ellie’s arms. She leans over and puts her down. The baby speedily crawls over to the coffee table, where all the action seems to be.

“No, Ailie!” Fred chides her. “This is not for you.”

“’s all right, Freddie,” Lucy says, pulling Aila into her lap. “I’ll keep an eye on those grabby hands of hers for you.” She sniffs the air. “Reckon someone needs a nappy change anyhow.”

Eager for the exit, Ellie plucks the baby out of Lucy’s lap and heads for the stairs. “I’ve got her.”

*

Ellie lays Aila on the changing table in the nursery and both find themselves yawning. Then Ellie laughs.

“Can’t tell if you’re mocking me or not.”

Aila smiles sleepily up at her mother as the nappy changing commences.

“When you’re my age, you’ll be kicking yourself for every kip you didn’t have when you were young,” Ellie warns her. “You’re not missing _much_ , I promise you. Everyone and everything will still be here when you wake. Besides, sleep is when you do all your growing. You’re tiny enough as it is.” Aila pops her fingers into her mouth. “Oh, I’m not judging, mind, I’m just saying, you’re tinier than the other babies ‘cause you were so bloody eager to get out into the world. Just as you were eager to _exist_.”

She pulls Aila stretchy trousers back on then sits her up. Aila yawns again.

“Come on then,” Ellie says, lifting her up and then moving with her to the rocking chair. It’s now officially too late for Aila to nap, not if she’s going to sleep properly in the evening, but Ellie is suddenly overcome with the need to rest for _herself_ and can't bring herself to deny _either_ of them.

Ellie crosses one leg over the other, using one foot on the ground to rock them, and cradles the baby. Aila lets her, especially once Ellie pops a pacifier in her mouth. Her eyelids are heavy but she stares up at her mother, defiantly set against sleep.

“It’s a good job you were so eager, by the way,” Ellie tells her. “You refused to let birth control do its job. Daddy and I hadn’t the slightest idea of your plans. We’d only just moved in together, we were still learning what our life together could be, still just crossing our fingers it would all work. Not once had we thought of what it would be like to add a tiny person to it. Well, I hadn’t at least. Perhaps Daddy. He’s a soppy old sod, I think he secretly wanted you straight off. But we had no idea, little girl, no idea that all that shagging we were doing was going to lead to such…adorable results.”

Aila blinks slowly, curling into Ellie and gripping onto her top.

“I don’t know if Daddy and I would have ever tried for a baby,” she continues. “If you hadn’t insisted. Which makes you the most brilliant baby in all the world. And your timing – we thought it was absolute bollocks at first, no way we were ready, but you were right. You were right all along. It’s like you knew it was only a matter of time before Mummy’s lady parts would betray her. You knew time was of the essence.”

Aila yawns, her entire face crinkling, and her pacifier falls out. Ellie pops it back in.

“Utterly impossible to imagine our lives without you now. Hard to remember what we did _before_ you. Hard for _me_ to remember why I'd I thought I didn’t want a baby at all. How could I not have wanted a child that was part me, part your dad?” Ellie asks. “How I _ever_ could have thought – astonishing to me now. Which is not to say that all great loves require a child to prove it, it’s absolutely fine not to have children if that’s what you want and don’t let anyone tell you different. But for two people who excel so extraordinarily at _partnership_ , truly how could we not have chosen to bring such a brilliant child into the world. I think Daddy and I are quite good at co-parenting, by the way. I’d thought it would involve far more bickering but we seem to have gotten it right.”

Aila’s eyes flutter, losing the battle against sleep.

“And you’ve turned out even lovelier than we imagined you would.” She strokes the baby’s cheek lightly with her index finger. “Even funnier. Cleverer. Sweeter. Never has there been a more delightful baby. Don’t tell your brothers.” A drop of water falls from her chin to her chest and only then does Ellie realize she’s been quietly weeping as she speaks. “We are so grateful for you, my sweet girl. So grateful for your bloody dogged determination to be with us. Daddy and I can really be quite thick sometimes. But you knew better. Baby Hardy, Bastard Child of Broadchurch.” She chuckles to herself. “That’s what we used to call you, you know. Before you were born. Before Daddy and I were married. When Daddy and I fell in love we thought we had it all, that we’d somehow found each other and _that_ was the gift. Neither of us had known it was possible to love so much. To be dizzy with love. To be so inextricably _close_ to another person. We thought we’d won the game. We had no idea things could get _better_ ,” she says. “And then there was you. Our love baby, as Fred once called you. You’ll see a sweeter side of Fred soon, by the way, I promise you. But your brothers have had to suffer challenges you never will, so you must be patient.”

Aila is, by now, fast asleep, her face smushed against Ellie’s breast. With a smile, Ellie leans her head back and closes her eyes, slowly continuing to rock.

“Oh, my gorgeous girl,” she exhales. “How loved you are.”

She yawns, her chest rising and falling but somehow not disturbing Aila. Then the rocking ceases. And they are both asleep.

*

Fifteen minutes later, Alec finds them both asleep in the rocking chair. He considers waking them, or at least waking Ellie, but instead he simply stands in the doorway watching them for nearly ten minutes. Then he quietly closes the door and returns downstairs.

*

After supper, Tom quickly excuses himself to go to Chelsea’s, prompting a bit of teasing from his aunt. Alec, without subtlety of any kind, corrals the younger children into the living room, leaving Ellie alone with Lucy.

Lucy stares at her across the table with both eyebrows raised, a hand gripping the stem of her wine glass. “What’s all this then.”

Ellie sighs heavily and picks up the wine bottle on the table to refill her wine glass. “I’m afraid my husband’s had some ulterior motives in bringing you here.”

Lucy nods, looking down at her lap. “Had a feeling.”

“Listen, I’ve not told anybody else this and I haven’t quite…” She exhales. “I’ve no idea how to do it really. So bear with.”

“El, you’re scarin’ me.”

Ellie chuckles nervously. She can’t tell her not to be. “Um. Well. I’ve been to see a few doctors. Had more tests done than I could count. And, um. Well I’ve got ovarian cancer, that’s it, that’s just…” Her gaze falls to her glass. “It.”

Lucy is frowning hard, leaning forward and staring at her, almost through her. “ _What_.”

Ellie blinks back at her. She has no idea what more there is to say. “Right, I know, it’s…a lot.”

“Are you serious?”

Ellie nearly scowls at her sister. “Would I _joke_?”

“You’ve got _cancer_.” Lucy leans back in her chair and shakes her head, hand going to her mouth. “Christ, you’ve really --- “ She looks up suddenly. “Are they certain? I mean, have you – “

“Yes,” Ellie answers quickly. This is not a road she wants to go down. “Yes.”

“And is it…” Lucy leans her elbows on the table and pinches the bridge of her nose. “How bad is it?”

“Um.” Ellie tilts her head back and forth, then takes a sip of her wine. “I mean it’s _all_ bad but evidently it could be much worse. Stage two, they think.”

“Out of?”

“Four.”

Lucy throws back what’s left of her wine then lightly slams the glass back on the table. “So what happens? What d’you do about it?”

Ellie nods slowly, mentally talking herself through it at the same time. “Surgery. To remove all the…bad stuff. Then radiation probably and later a hysterectomy I’d wager. And then if it hasn’t spread, we’re in good shape, and that’s what we’re all hoping. Obviously.”

“So when’s that, when’s the surgery?” Lucy asks.

“The 28th.”

“Three days after Christmas.”

Ellie smiles sheepishly and raises her wine glass. “Yep.”

Lucy suddenly gets up out of her chair and walks across the room. She leans on the counter by the sink and tries to breathe slowly in and out. Then she turns to look at her sister.

“And no one else knows?”

“Well, Alec.”

“Right.”

Lucy moves swiftly back to the table and drags her chair beside Ellie’s. “I’m sorry,” she says, reaching for her hand. “This is shit, I’m so sorry.”

Ellie’s eyes begin to well up and she purses her lips, swallowing hard.

“How do you feel, do you _feel_ ill?”

“Not much,” Ellie replies. “Fairly knackered all the time, few aches and pains, bit of discomfort. Normal otherwise.”

There’s a moment of quiet before Ellie speaks again.

“Things could be much, much worse. Honestly. Apparently lots of people don’t catch it until it’s too late or close to too late, we’ve been very lucky,” she says.

Lucy shakes her head. “Only you.”

Ellie grimaces. “What?”

“Only you could get bloody cancer and call it lucky.”

Ellie sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “I’ve got to hang on to _some_ thing, all right? It’s important for me to be grateful for whatever I can or I’ll go mad. I’m _lucky_ , Luce. I’ve got a brilliant husband, amazing kids, great family and friends. I’ve got a good job where I can take leave if I need it. We’re set financially. I’m all right.”

Lucy’s face seems to crumble. “You stupid bloody saint.” She lurches forward and drops her head into Ellie’s lap. “My stupid baby sister.”

Surprised, Ellie smiles and pats Lucy’s hair.

“I’m meant to leave for Copenhagen on Monday,” Lucy says quietly.

“And so you shall,” Ellie insists. “No reason not to go. Nothing to be done here, after all. I’ll still have cancer when you get back.”

Lucy raises herself up to a seated position again. Her eyes are red and blotchy. “But this could be our last – “

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Ellie exclaims. “Don’t you dare start with that. I won’t hear it.”

Lucy stares at her uncertainly.

“Go to Copenhagen, Lucy. And please, for the love of all that is holy and good, _keep your bloody mouth shut_.”

*

Ellie stands at her dresser, staring a hole in the wall as she rubs night cream on her face. She’s freshly showered, in only her silk dressing gown, hair towel-dried and swept off her neck with a clip. She catches a glimpse of her exhausted face in the mirror and winces.

Then Alec is in the room and closing the door behind him. He’s in a t-shirt and boxers, as ready for a night’s sleep as she is.

“She’s gone back down,” he informs her. “Just needed a bit of a cuddle I think.”

Ellie nods in response, leaning toward her mirror and dabbing eye cream underneath her eyes with her pinky finger. He approaches her from behind, watching her expression in the mirror, then wraps his arms around her, pinning her arms to her sides. He presses a kiss to her neck.

“Still cross with me?”

“No,” Ellie replies, relaxed but not quite giving herself over to him. “But I’d be within my rights if I were.”

“I didn’t _force_ you to tell her, I only created the opportunity.” He kisses her cheek, then her jaw, squeezing her a bit tighter. “And I know it was the right thing ‘cause I can _feel_ it, I can feel you just the slightest bit less tense than you were this mornin’.”

Ellie raises an eyebrow. He catches it in the mirror.

“You can feel me being _slightly_ less tense?”

“Mm-hm.” He kisses her ear and begins to sway them slowly back and forth. “Your body’s just about an extension of mine at this point, lass. I can sense the smallest shift in you.”

She purses her lips and squints at him via the mirror. “Awfully sure of yourself.”

“I’m sure of _yourself_ ,” he corrects her. “You feel just a smidge better now you’ve told Lucy, I know it. You’re annoyed with me, but you still feel better.”

She looks away, but smiles.

“We need to do laundry.”

His lips are in her hair. “Wha?”

“You’ve worn that shirt three nights in a row now and I’ve just got that nightgown left.” She gestures toward the thin-strapped cotton night slip on the bed. “Fred’s laundry basket is overflowing.”

He releases his hold on her but runs his hands up and down her arms instead. “Right, I’ll do a few loads in the mornin’.”

“Good.” She walks out of his grasp, gently, and goes to the bed. “We’ve got quite a lot on this week, you remember.”

“Bloody _Christmas_ on Friday, I remember, Ellie.”

She drops her dressing gown to the floor and pulls the night slip over her head. “Daisy tomorrow, the office Christmas do on Monday, Christmas drinks with Maggie and Jocelyn on Tuesday followed by Beth and Peter’s do, then on Wednesday we’ve got the family photo and the Christmas concert at the church and Hal and Jenny's do, then – “

“Yes, all right,” he interrupts her, rubbing his face with agitation.

“Plus we’ve still got last minute shopping to do, endless wrapping, we need to figure out the menu for Christmas lunch, then go to the market. And you’re all getting haircuts on Wednesday, I nearly forgot.” She walks over to her side of the bed and pulls the duvet back. “Before the photo.”

“Not you?” He follows suit, going to his side of the bed.

“No, my hair is just fine and all things considered I’m certainly not going to cut it _now_.”

He frowns in confusion, plopping down on the mattress. “Why not now?”

“Well not ‘til I know whether or not bloody not I’m going to bloody _lose_ it,” she replies sharply, getting under the covers.

He watches her. “The doctor said you won’t.”

“That’s what she thinks _now_ ,” Ellie says. “Everything’s subject to change, you heard her.”

“Right.” Alec looks down at his lap for a moment, then crawls under the covers as well.

“Although I am thinking of getting it coloured.” She switches off her bedside lamp.

“ _Coloured_?”

“Just a shade or two darker perhaps.”

He switches off his own lamp then turns to face her, pulling the duvet up to his shoulders. They study each other’s faces in the darkness as their eyes slowly adjust.

“Delegate, if you need to,” Alec says softly, a bit hesitantly. “I can always do more.” He reaches out to stroke her arm. “Don’t want you overexertin’ yourself.”

Ellie grunts with mild annoyance. “I’m fine.”

“You need rest.”

“No I don’t.”

“Ellie, you fell asleep with the baby in the rockin’ chair,” he reminds her. “For over an hour. Middle of the bloody day.”

She fixes him with an icy glare. “People take _naps_ now and then, Alec, it’s not wholly unusual.”

“I’m not – “ He rubs his eyes. “I’m not _criticizin’_ it, I’m sayin’ if it’s what you need, then do it. Don’t fight it or push yourself too hard ‘cause it’s Christmas.”

There’s a pause. She adjusts her pillow a bit to distract him from seeing her lip quiver, a possible shimmer in her eyes. “Only got Daisy for a short time,” she says quietly. “Barely a week. Not wasting this time with her.”

By now, Alec understands that his insistence is only going to lead to an unnecessary row. She’s going to do what she wants, what she feels she needs. All _he_ can do is provide her with opportunities for rest, pull his weight enough behind the scenes that she doesn’t notice him covering for her.

“I know.” He reaches out for her, folding her against him. “We’ll make the most of it. Promise.”

She snuggles him eagerly, then slides her hand up underneath his t-shirt until it rests on his pacemaker scar. It reminds her that they made it through _his_ health scare right enough. And they’ll make it through hers. With the steady rhythm of his chest’s rise and fall underneath her hand, she falls asleep.

*

**DECEMBER 21 st**

“I hate this.”

Beth pulls a face at Ellie in response, shaking her head at her from across a rack of clothing.

“What could be more fun?” Beth replies, holding up a dark red wrap dress. “Shoppin’ for _yourself_ during the Christmas season for once.”

“But I’ve so much _other_ shopping to do,” Ellie protests, searching disinterestedly through the rack.

Beth holds up another dress. “You’ve also got, what, _four_ parties to attend this week? Surely that merits at least two new dresses.”

Ellie holds out a dark purple midi dress. “How’s this? For _your_ party perhaps.”

“Oh _yeah_ ,” Beth answers enthusiastically, reaching for the garment. “Sexy but classy, comfortable but not too casual.”

“Good.” Ellie slings the dress over her arm.

“Try it on.”

“It’ll fit.”

Beth smirks at her skeptically. “This from the woman who’s had to have most of her tops let out to accommodate her tits.”

“Hey.” Ellie frowns at her grumpily. “Third baby, not my fault.”

“Didn’t happen to _me_ …”

“Well _you_ didn’t have very much to begin with.”

Beth whacks her arm. “Oi!” Then she moves to another rack. “What’ve you gotten Alec? I’ll never in my life master the art of shopping for men.”

“Had an Italian suit tailor made,” Ellie tells her. “Got his measurements from his tailor here in town. He has no idea.”

“Blimey, how much does something like that _cost_?”

“Too much. Far too much. He’s getting that and a blow job, nothing else.”

Beth snorts so loudly she has to cover her mouth. “Brilliant.”

“The honeymoon is _over_ ,” Ellie says with a laugh. “But yours is just beginning so you should think of something sentimental, something that really underlines your feelings for him. Shows you’re paying attention.” She glances at Beth over her shoulder. “Plus a blow job for good measure.”

“Never hurts.”

Ellie holds up a green shift dress. “This?”

“Oh, nice.” Beth reaches out to feel the fabric. “Maybe cinch it with a belt or something.”

Ellie slings it over her arm with the purple dress. “Good. Can we go now?”

Beth blinks at her. “What about shoes?!”

*

It’s nearing 1pm when Ellie walks through the front door, multiple bags in each hand.

“Alec?” She calls out, slamming the front door behind her with her foot.

“Dining room.”

“Boys gone?” She puts down the bags only long enough to divest herself of her coat and her boots.

“Coast is clear!” He calls back.

She grabs the bags again and goes into the dining room. Alec is sitting at the table, which has turned into quite a little workshop, wrapping gifts. Aila sits in her highchair trying with great puzzlement to pry Cheerios from her sticky hands.

“Oh hello.” She smooches Aila’s cheek. “Shouldn’t she be down?”

He looks at his watch as she moves to kiss _his_ cheek. “Ah, lost track of the time.”

They’re in something of a race with the clock. Tom was given a few quid to take Chelsea to the cinema while Fred has gone to Ryan’s house. They have an agreement with Ryan’s parents to organize playdates with the boys around their gift-wrapping needs.

“Did you see Daisy’s text?” Ellie drops the bags on the floor and takes a seat.

“Hm? No, mobile’s in the other room, I think.” He finishes wrapping a new Star Wars Lego set for Fred.

“She’s not on the train,” Ellie tells him.

He looks up with alarm.

“ _Tess_ is driving her.”

Alec grimaces.

“Apparently she’s been wanting to do some shopping in Bournemouth or something.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he grumbles.

“ETA a little over an hour,” Ellie tells him, then stands, holding up two of the bags. “Gifts in this one for Dad, Sally, and one for Molly. And in this one for Maggie and Jocelyn, plus a jumper for Daisy.” She puts them on a chair. “And in the boot of the car is all the booze.”

“ _All_ the booze?”

“Well, wine to bring to each party, plus the wine we’ve gotten for everyone at CID, and then enough booze to get _us_ all the way through New Year’s.”

He reaches for another roll of wrapping paper. “So you bought the place out, is what you’re sayin’.”

“More or less.” Ellie lifts the tray of Aila’s highchair and extricates her from it. “I’ll go put her down, you get going on all that. How much laundry have we got done?”

“On load four at the moment.”

“Brilliant.” She glances down at Aila on her hip. “Blow Daddy a kiss.”

Ellie brings her hand to her own mouth and blows a kiss. Aila mimicks her triumphantly.

“Well done, little bug!”

Alec blows a kiss back to her. “Sleep tight, darlin’.”

*

Tom picks up Fred from Ryan’s on his way home from the cinema. They make it back home roughly ten minutes before Tess’ car pulls into the drive. Alec and Ellie have just cleared all the gifts out of the dining room and returned them to their hiding place in their bedroom.

Fred is sitting on his knees at the living room window watching and waiting hopefully then hops up when he sees the car.

“SHE’S HERE!”

He runs full speed into the foyer. Ellie runs after him.

“Hey hey hey.” She gently pulls him back before he reaches the door. “You’ve no coat _and_ no shoes on, little love.”

Alec opens the front door as Tess and Daisy approach the front porch with her bags. Ellie holds Fred in place a few metres away.

“Daisy!” Fred hops in place.

Daisy drops her bags immediately upon entering the foyer and is folded tightly into her father’s arms.

“Hi, Dad.”

Alec kisses her temple and holds her tight. It’s been two months since he’s seen his eldest daughter in the flesh.

“Oh it’s so good to see you,” he says, kissing the top her head. “Welcome home, darlin’.”

Tess comes up behind them and has to stealthily step in and to the side to get out of the cold. Ellie reaches for the back of Alec’s shirt and yanks on it, pulling them back to give Tess more room.

“Daisy, Daisy!” Fred is still hopping.

Daisy breaks away from her father and kneels down to her little brother’s level, pulling him into a hug.

“Hiya, Freddie!”

“Missed you,” Fred murmurs into her shoulder. “Did you miss me?”

She squeezes him tight, groaning happily. “I missed you so much! I need _all_ the stories!”

“Rhino made a new friend while you were gone,” Fred informs her.

Daisy grins, eyes wide. “Did he?!”

“Yeah, she’s pink elephant named Gazelle.” He takes Daisy’s hand and tries to pull her away. “Come on, meet her.”

“Oh now, hang on,” Ellie laughs, reaching for Daisy herself. “You can’t just away with her, she’s our Daisy too.”

Alec offers a tight smile to Tess as Ellie envelopes Daisy in her arms.

“Hi, Tess,” Fred says loudly, bouncing on his heels.

Tess manages a smile. “Hello, Fred.”

“Happy Christmas,” the boy says.

She smiles wider. “Happy Christmas to _you_.”

Ellie plants a kiss on Daisy’s cheek. “Oh sweet girl. You’ve been so missed.” She blinks back tears.

But Alec can see them. He places a comforting hand at the small of her back.

“Right.” Ellie pulls back. “I’ll not get all soppy on you while you’ve still got your bloody coat on.”

Daisy laughs. Alec helps her with her coat and she turns to Tom.

“Hello, you."

“Welcome home,” Tom says.

They hug, but not for too long.

“We’ve got big plans tonight,” he adds.

Daisy makes a face and Ellie ushers them all into the living room. Alec gestures for Tess’ coat.

“I hope you’ll stay for a few minutes,” he says.

“Oh. Yes, just for a few, but there’s something else in the car.”

Tess heads back outside.

In the living room, Fred is sitting on Daisy’s lap. Tom is on the floor by the tree and Ellie is curled up on the sofa by Daisy.

“Where’s the baby!?” Daisy asks.

“Naptime,” Ellie explains. “She’ll be up again soon.”

Alec appears in the doorway, his heart instantly warmed by the sight before him. “All right, who wants hot cocoa?”

“ME ME ME!” Fred shrieks.

“Hot cocoa for everyone then,” Alec decides.

As he turns to the hallway, Tess appears again, carrying a large cardboard box. Ellie is thoroughly surprised.

“What’s all _this_?”

“Doing a bit of downsizing back in Sandbrook,” Tess announces, easing the box onto the floor. “Found some things I thought you all might like.”

“Toys?” Fred asks hopefully, hopping off Daisy’s lap.

“Some.” Tess chuckles. “But not much suitable for such a grown up boy of your age.”

Fred smiles smugly. Alec and Ellie exchange suspicious glances. But Fred is immediately on his knees looking through the box. Ellie moves to sit by him.

“Mostly old things of Daisy’s,” Tess says. “Thought perhaps Aila might have use for them.”

Inside the box are quite a few children’s books, a few stuffed animals, some aged plastic toys, a baby blanket, and some _Alice in Wonderland_ -themed nursery décor.

“My goodness,” Ellie says.

Alec glances over at Tess, absolutely unsure how to react. “Tess…”

“It’s not much, I’m sure she’s plenty spoiled as is, so if you don’t want it – “

“This is lovely!” Ellie gasps, going through the box.

Fred looks up at Tess, unimpressed. “No superhero toys?”

Tess chuckles. “Afraid not, Fred.”

“Look at all this,” Elle says to Alec.

He sits down in the chair behind her, leaning forward. “I’d forgotten the Wonderland theme.”

“I really into Alice when I was little,” Daisy tells them. “Or I guess – I was _told_ to be really into Alice.” She laughs.

“We refused to inundate her with Disney princesses,” Tess says. “Alice was our compromise.”

“Oh.” Ellie is close to tears, paging through an illustrated _Alice in Wonderland_ book. She looks back at Alec with shining eyes. “This is perfect, isn’t it? This is so Aila.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Daisy agrees. “She’s so wide-eyed and curious.”

Ellie nods. “Our bold, bright little baby.”

Alec leans forward and kisses the top of Ellie’s head.

“Thanks for thinkin’ of us, Tess,” he says to his ex-wife. “This is very generous.”

“Oh yes, _thank_ you,” Ellie agrees.

“Well.” Tess leans back against the wall. “All this stuff is half yours, as I see it. And I certainly won’t be needing it.”

“Mumma, can we watch _Elf_?” Fred asks, thoroughly over all of this.

“I think Daisy might like to unpack first,” she replies.

But then Aila is heard chattering via the baby monitor.

“Ah, look who it is,” Alec says, standing up. “We’ve evoked her.”

“ _You-you-you-you-you-you_ ,” Aila babbles.

Ellie snorts. “That’s a new one.”

Alec heads for the hallway. “I’ll be back.”

“Tom, love.” Ellie looks across the room at her son, characteristically quiet. “Will you do us the honours of making the hot cocoa please?”

She can see him fighting a deep groan as he stands. It’s only for Daisy’s sake that he does not. He steps over the box.

“I’m gonna count the marshmallows!” Fred announces, scurrying after him. “Make sure no one gets more than me.”

Daisy lifts a pink baby blanket out of the box. “Forgot about this.”

Tess smiles sheepishly to Ellie. “Could use a wash.”

The mere _idea_ of Aila sleeping with Daisy’s own baby blanket threatens to send Ellie weeping.

Then Alec starts down the stairs with Aila. She is sleepy but excited, brimming with the familiar post-nap anticipation of being able to join her favourite people again. She’s wearing little denim overalls and a red and white strapped long-sleeved shirt. Her socks have snowmen on the bottom and her hair is still a bit mussed up, a long indent on the side of her face from where she fell asleep on her blanket.

She looks up at her father as they reach the bottom step. “Mummum?”

Alec kisses her forehead. “Yes, Mummy’s here.”

When they enter the living room, all eyes are instantly on Aila and she feels it intuitively. She smiles bashfully and hides her face in Alec’s neck.

“Oh, what’s this, are you _shy_ now?” Alec laughs, rubbing her back.

Aila vaguely recognizes Tess, enough to know she’s not a stranger but that’s about it. She knows she knows Daisy, but she doesn’t know how. It’s been two months since she’s seen her properly.

“Hi, Aila,” Daisy says in a high-pitched voice, standing up. “Hi, my sister.”

Aila lifts her head to look at Daisy with an uncertain smile.

“That’s Daisy, love,” Alec tells her. “It’s just Daisy.”

“Gosh, she’s gotten big,” Tess says, mostly to herself, instinctively stepping out of the way.

“Oh wait, look.” Ellie hops up suddenly. She goes to grab a framed photo of Daisy from a side table. “We look at photos all the time.” She brings it over to Aila and taps on the frame. “Look, sweetheart, it’s Daisy. Daisy.”

Aila points at it. “Da-aye.”

“Yes, _Daisy_.”

Aila points to it again, tapping her finger on the glass. “Da-aye.” Then she looks at Daisy, as if to show her, then all at once makes the connection. She points at Daisy. “Da-aye.” Then she holds her arms out to her.

"Well done, baby!” Ellie praises her.

Alec transfers Aila to Daisy, at Aila’s request. Daisy is grinning from ear to ear.

“There we are,” Daisy says, kissing her cheek. “There she is. My favourite baby sister.”

Ellie grabs onto Alec’s arm and lays her head at his shoulder, watching them. Aila pokes at Daisy’s face.

“Da-aye.”

“Well.” Tess breathes out. “I’d best be getting on.”

“Oh.” Ellie shakes out of her trance. “Right, doing some shopping this afternoon, are we?”

Tess smiles. “Just some last minute gifts.”

“Never ends, does it?” Ellie smiles back at her conspiratorially. “Christmas, the gift that keeps on giving.”

“Can we watch _Elf_ now?” Fred questions loudly upon re-entering the room.

Tom follows him slowly, balancing a tray of mugs.

“ _Yes_ , my little love,” Ellie replies exhaustedly. “So long as you promise not to get upset if Daisy has to go and do other things.”

“Okay.” He hops onto the sofa and reaches for the remote.

Alec walks Tess to the door. “Thanks again for the, um. Box.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem,” Tess replies nonchalantly. “Happy you’ll have use for it all.”

“You’re picking her up on Sunday?” He shoves his hands into his pockets. He’d rather not think on it at all.

“In the evening, yes. Give you the day.”

“Thank you,” he says sincerely, then he kisses her cheek. “Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas, Alec.”

*

Alec folds laundry in the living room while the whole family, sans Ellie, watches _Elf_. Even Aila seems content to quietly play with her toys on the floor while everyone else is glued to the telly. When she finally gets bored, she crawls across the room to her father, chattering _you-you-you-you_ to herself. She tugs at Alec’s trouser leg until he scoops her up.

“Let’s you and I go investigate Mummy’s whereabouts, shall we,” he suggests.

“Mummum,” Aila agrees.

Ellie had excused herself to go to the loo going on twenty minutes ago. They pop their heads into several rooms before finding her in their bedroom, the door slightly ajar. There atop the perfectly made bed is Ellie, fast asleep, lying on her side. Alec is momentarily arrested by the sight. His Ellie who never takes naps, who never needs a break, who is a constant source of energy and lightness. Asleep at half three in the afternoon. For the second day in a row.

He starts to slip out again, but he’s stood there too long, long enough for Aila to demand her mother’s company, to refuse to be parted from her again. She starts to whine.

“Shh, shh, come on, darlin’.”

“ _Mummum_ ,” Aila pleads.

Ellie stirs, sticky eyelids fluttering open.

“Sorry,” Alec says. “You sleep.”

“ _Mummuuuuuum_.”

Ellie rubs her eyes. “No it’s all right. Give her here.”

As Alec moves to the bed, Ellie lifts her jumper and unclasps her bra from the front before holding her arms out.

“You’re okay, sweet bug.”

Alec lays Aila on the bed beside her and the baby immediately rolls into Ellie, quickly latching onto her breast as Ellie continues to lay on her side.

“Everyone all right?” Ellie asks groggily.

“All fine,” he replies, thoroughly distracted by her. “You feel okay?”

“Just knackered.”

Aila snorts and grunts a bit as she nurses, eating too fast. She holds onto Ellie’s other breast with her hand.

Ellie’s eyelids start to flutter closed again.

“You’re right, I think,” Alec says quietly.

“Hm.”

“I think she does know.”

There’s quiet for too long and Alec isn’t certain she’s heard him, possibly she’s already fallen asleep again. But then she says, “We’re all right here. Go on and be with Daisy.”

He hesitates but knows better than to fight her. “D’you need anythin’?”

“No, ta, love.”

He watches them for another brief moment, then slowly backs out of the room, gently closing the door behind him.

***


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My country is in chaos and my eyeballs are glued to the news but I finished this chapter just before so here you go, perhaps a little much-needed distraction.
> 
> I'm afraid I'll need one more chapter than I thought, sorry. This chapter's already too long as it is.

**DECEMBER 21st**

Ellie sits on the edge of Daisy’s bed, watching as the eighteen-year-old stands in front of the mirror applying her makeup.

“He’s sort of an arse, honestly,” Daisy says, leaning forward to brush on her mascara. “He’s a bit smug, like, and pretty shit at naming his feelings. Like he clearly _has_ them, I see them, but when I acknowledge them he acts like they’re not there.”

Ellie leans back, palms on the mattress, and smirks knowingly. “Can’t imagine what _that’s_ like.”

Daisy stops and looks back at her with an embarrassed smile and slight roll of the eyes. “He’s nothing like Dad.”

“No, clearly not,” Ellie replies dryly.

“He’s super clever though,” Daisy adds. “And he has a whole mass of siblings so he gets it.”

“Gets what?”

“Family.” She dips a makeup brush in a blush palette. “You know, the importance of going home a lot and Facetiming a bunch, that sort of thing. Only he’s closer to his, like, geographically.”

Ellie is smiling to herself.

“And where they are?”

“Aberdeen.”

Her smile widens into a toothy grin. “A proper Scot then.”

“Yeah, makes me feel like I’m really connecting with that side of my heritage, right?” Daisy tells her. “It’s good. Going to uni in Edinburgh, having Dad’s family in Glasgow, seeing Tim. It all actually makes me feel closer to Dad.”

“Well, ‘course it does. He’d be pleased to hear it.”

“Things like that make him go all soppy and I just – I feel sort of squicky about it.” Daisy searches through her makeup bag.

“Squicky?” Ellie scrunches up her nose.

“I dunno, it’s like, I only want to get _so_ honest and emotional with him. It’s weird when you see your parents all vulnerable and whatnot.” She pulls out a lipstick. “Nice to have a _bit_ of emotional distance at least. Especially ‘cause there was so much of it when I was growing up so that’s what I was used to.”

“Distance?” Ellie notices a crumb on her jumper and brushes it off.

“Yeah, emotional distance. And I guess physical distance sometimes too. I mean Dad and I usually got on and all and there were times I’d have said we were close but I don’t feel like we got really, properly close until we moved to Broadchurch,” Daisy explains, pausing to apply her chosen lipstick. “And he didn’t open up much ‘til there was you, ‘til you were together.”

“Right.”

“So it’s still sometimes a bit weird for me, when he’s vulnerable and that.”

Ellie leans forward. “Can I give that a go?” Daisy hands her the lipstick and she approaches the mirror. “That’s all right, I think. I’d go a bit mental as a kid any time I saw my parents cry.” She applies the lipstick, then looks at Daisy. “What d’you think?”

“Good.” Daisy nods.

“ _Definitely_ was not interested in being too open and honest with them,” Ellie concludes. “So I think that’s all fine. Your dad’s always trying to strike a bit of a balance with you lot. He wants to be emotionally truthful with you all, but without making you – or himself – uncomfortable. Can be hard sometimes. It is for me.” She blots her lips. “But that’s the thing about emotions, isn’t it? Once you summon them, they all sort of come tumbling out at once.”

“Ugh.”

“Yeah.” Ellie breathes out and places her hands on her hips. “Ready then?”

*

“This is a bit weird.”

Tom sits in the ceramics shop with his stepfather, brother, and baby sister. They’re in the back, working with clay to later put in the kiln. Aila is in her buggy occupied with Magna-tiles.

“Think of your mother,” Alec says, working a piece of clay into a mug shape. “She’ll be properly chuffed to get handmade gifts from you lot.”

Tom sighs. He mashes his clay into a thin square. “Guess I could make like, a toothbrush holder or something.”

“I’m doing a plate,” Fred announces.

It had all been Fred’s idea, of course. They had done a bit of work with clay at school, yielding nothing quite giftable, so he had wanted to take his skills, learn from his mistakes, and make something real to give his mother for Christmas.

“And when we come back tomorrow, we can paint them!”

Tom stares at his brother. “We have to come back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, we put them in the kiln and then go away and when we come back we can glaze them and paint them,” Fred says matter-of-factly.

Tom pounds his frustration out on the clay.

“Won’t take long,” Alec assures him.

Fred stands up to press into the clay harder. “My plate’s gonna say _To Mumma Love Fred_.”

“Creative.” Tom glances skeptically at Alec’s mug. “Is that gonna be from you? Or like, from Aila?”

Aila looks up at the sound of her name.

“From Aila, I think,” Alec replies.

“Good ‘cause that’d be a pretty lame gift from you,” Tom scoffs.

“Thanks very much.”

“What _did_ you get her?” He asks.

Aila whines as she has to use all her strength to pull two Magna-tiles apart.

Alec nods in Fred’s direction. “This one can’t keep a secret.”

Fred looks up with a frown. “Can too!”

“ _Too too too too too_ ,” Aila chatters.

“Tell you later,” Alec whispers to Tom, who frankly doesn’t seem to care all that much anyway.

*

Ellie and Daisy have a leisurely, festive lunch on the high street with Beth and Chloe, who is also home from university. They _all_ have a bit of wine and gorge themselves on various pastas – it is the holidays after all.

“Do we dare get dessert?” Beth asks, already knowing the answer.

They all hem and haw for a moment, then Ellie suggests, “We’ll get two and split them four ways.”

They settle on the tiramisu and the crème brulee.

“This is really quite posh,” Chloe says, leaning back in her chair and looking around.

“Just opened in the summer,” Ellie tells her. “Could hardly get a reservation with all the tourists but now you can just walk in off the street. I make Alec take me about once a month.”

“Aw.” Chloe puckers her lips, a bit pissed. “Nice he still takes you on dates.”

Ellie reaches for her wine. “Not often, mind you. But we manage now and then.”

Beth glances around with glee. “Are we all four paired off?”

Ellie looks at Chloe. “Who are _you_ seeing?”

Beth gives Chloe the side-eye. “A teaching assistant,” she says. “Always did like them older…"

Chloe elbows her. “ _Mum_.” She turns to Ellie. “He’s only twenty-four. Not as gross as she makes it sound.”

“I guess we are then,” Ellie says. “Four women off the market.”

“Well.” Daisy chews on her bottom lip. “Tim and I aren’t like, _attached attached_ , I mean we’re free to see other people.”

Beth and Ellie both look at her suspiciously.

“And _do_ you?” Beth asks.

“Well. Not really.”

“Right, so.”

Daisy redirects attention away from her, looking a Beth. “When are you and Peter finally going to make it permanent?”

“ _Nothing_ is permanent,” Beth replies with a grumble. “And what’s this _finally_ business? We’ve been together less than a year and we do live together so I feel it’s gone as far as it ought to for now.”

“Dad and Ellie moved in together after, like, two months,” Daisy points out.

“Mm.” Ellie nods. “But we might never have gotten married if we hadn’t gotten pregnant.”

Daisy looks at her quizzically. “Really?”

“Oh yeah.” Ellie takes a sip of her wine. “We’d sworn never to get married. A number of times. It was only after I’d been pregnant a few months that we started to see things differently. I can’t really explain it. It just suddenly made sense.” She chuckles to herself. “We’d thought we’d just be cool, hip, unmarried parents but…turns out we’re not that cool.”

Beth smirks. “Shocker.”

“Look, people get married after a certain amount of time usually because they’re conditioned to believe it’s the next step,” Ellie tells them. “And we’re all about _next steps_. But the truth is there’s really no need to unless it feels right, down deep. Divorce is brutal and messy and miserable and there’s no reason to risk that if you’re already perfectly happy without a marriage license. You can still have babies and share a bank account and merge households and all that regardless.”

“So then why _did_ you get married?” Chloe asks.

“Well.” Ellie breathes out, leaning her chin on her hand thoughtfully. “It just sort of hit us one night. Dunno, I think maybe we _needed_ it, needed the stability of it, after all we’d both been through. We’d thought that because of our pasts we _shouldn’t_ get married, but the opposite turned out to be true, I reckon. We _wanted_ that permanence. The changing of the surnames, the Mr. and Mrs., saying _husband_ and _wife_. And frankly we thought it’d be good for you lot.” She looks at Daisy. “Give _you_ all the sense of stability and permanence as well. You needed that too. I mean, listen, Alec and I knew we’d always be together regardless of any piece of paper, there was never any doubt for us. We didn’t need to pin each other down. But it was sort of nice to prove that to other people, if I’m being honest.”

Daisy’s brow is furrowed. “So you got married because of what other people might’ve thought?”

“No, no. God knows _where_ we’d be if we truly cared about _that_ ,” Ellie responds. “I guess it’s hard to explain, I’m certainly not doing a very good job of it. Something shifted in us and it felt right.”

The server appears with their desserts and they all grab a fork excitedly.

After a moment, Beth says, “Think part of me will always be a bit married to your dad, Chlo. Even though it’s not worked out between us. Doesn’t mean I don’t love Peter as well and it doesn’t mean I’d ever want to be with Mark again. But I don’t think getting married would ever feel right.”

Chloe nods. “…Does Peter know that?”

Beth shrugs. “Dunno. I think probably.”

Ellie looks across the table at her friend sympathetically. “Might be worth telling him.”

*

As the sky outside darkens, Ellie stands in front of her full-length mirror in bra and knickers only, staring. She rubs her face. Pinches her hips. Glares at her breasts. She grabs a hair clip off her vanity and draws her hair up. Then twists her neck.

Alec opens the door, quickly closing it behind him when he catches a glimpse of her.

“Ach, my timin’ is _sublime_ ,” he says, going to her.

“I’ve lost five pounds,” she announces glumly.

Normally this is something she’d be quite pleased about. But she hadn’t been trying.

Alec is not sure what the correct response is in this situation.

“…Since when?” He asks uncertainly.

“Only nine days ago.” She sighs. “Lost none of it in my bloody tits though.”

He kisses her shoulder. “Come here.” He guides her to turn around and wraps his arms around her. “You look amazin’.” She snorts self-deprecatingly. “Ah, don’t do that.” He dips his head and kisses her collarbone. “You’re my favourite thing to look at in all the world. My eyes land on you and they’re happy.”

“Eyes can’t be happy,” Ellie grumbles with a pout.

“ _Mine_ are when I look at you,” he insists, then slides his hands across her back. “My _hands_ are happy when they touch you. And my lips…” He presses them to her neck. “When I _taste_ you.”

She smiles into his chest and he can feel the flush of heat from making her blush.

“Stupid.”

“Mm.” He squeezes her tighter, feeling like he could pull her inside him. “Have a good kip?”

She nods against him. “Thank you.”

“Was it the wine at lunch or - ?”

“Hard to tell.” Her arms circle his waist and she clasps her hands together, then looks up at him. “You’re lovely.”

He kisses her lips. “Have I got Martini Ellie to look forward to this evening?”

“Possibly.” She presses her face into his chest and groans a bit. “Feeling a bit peaky so we’ll have to see.”

He rubs her back. “Want a ginger tea? Bicarbonate?”

She shakes her head, her nose rubbing against his shirt.

“Why don’t you have a shower then?” He suggests. “Your dad’ll be here in an hour.”

“Right.” She pulls back slightly, but their arms don’t let go of one another quite yet.

“Cheer up,” Alec says. “You love the office Christmas do.”

“I do love it,” Ellie admits, but her expression remains neutral.

“And I’ve a surprise for you when you finish."

Her face brightens. “What is it?”

“A _surprise_.”

After her shower, she emerges into the bedroom with a faintly detectible eagerness about her, wearing a towel. Alec is sitting on the edge of their bed wearing a Santa hat.

“No!” She gasps.

He nods sheepishly. “Only for you, my love.”

“Oh my _god_.” Her hands fly to cover her mouth. “I’ve never been more attracted to you.”

Alec scoffs, then stands, retrieving a small velvet box from his pocket. “There’s more.”

She blinks at him. “Are you going to propose?”

“Just open it, woman,” he says, handing it to her.

Inside the box is a pair of white, glistening snowflake earrings.

“ _Oh_ ,” she exhales, running her fingertips over them.

“Not a Christmas present,” he clarifies. “Just because.”

“They’re beautiful.” She grins at him, then pushes herself up on her tiptoes to kiss him. “Thank you.”

He shrugs coyly. “Just hopin’ I might get a shag out of it later.”

“I’ll speak to Martini Ellie about it and get back to you,” she replies.

*

It’s their third office Christmas party as a couple. Second as an _out_ couple. And oh, probably fifth as colleagues.

Now that they’re together, Alec enjoys keeping to himself and thinking back on the parties he spent pining for her. Brooding in a corner with a scotch, neat, snapping at anyone who dared wish him a happy Christmas. He wasn’t subtle, couldn’t be subtle in those moments, and that made it even worse. He knew people could tell. Room chock full of detectives and police officers, of course they could. Only Ellie seemed not to notice. _Now_ he suspects that she was fully aware and was doing him the favour of pretending not to notice.

He likes remembering this god awful time in his life because it reminds him to be grateful for how that life has changed, for all the things he has now. To be grateful for _her_. Not that he often needs reminding, but it keeps him in a good mood despite his fierce dislike for these kinds of festive gatherings. People might wonder if perhaps he’s warming up to the Christmas spirit when in fact he’s only thinking about how madly in love he is with his own wife.

She’s wearing a purple dress with matching flats. She’s given up on heels. She wears her hair up to show off the sparkly snowflake earrings her husband got her, which she of course goes out of her way to share with people. Though she ordered a martini at the start, she has switched to vodka sodas. He has no idea what this will mean for his anticipated shag but he tries to stay positive. It’s been nearly a week since they’ve had sex and, a year ago, he might have whined to her about it, but not anymore. He’s bracing himself for weeks on end of sexlessness in their future. And, considering the fact that the _last_ time they’d done it, he hadn’t been able to make her come, he’s quite frankly a bit apprehensive.

“Hey.”

She has appeared at his side as if by magic.

He clears his throat a bit. “Hey. Enjoyin’ yourself?”

“Be nice if they’d bring the food out sometime soon,” Ellie complains. “Bloody famished.”

His eyes widen. “That’s a good sign.”

“Dunno.” She reaches for his hand somewhat surreptitiously. “Bit woozy.”

His face contorts into a frown. “Well come sit down.” He tries to guide her to a table but she won’t move.

“No, no, I’m fine.”

“Want some water?”

She nods, but it’s only to appease him. She knows he needs to be _doing_ something for her. Needs to feel useful.

He goes off to the bar and she stands back against the wall, observing the party from _his_ regular point-of-view. She’s never been a wallflower. Doesn’t see the appeal. But she knows that may need to change.

Alec returns with a glass of water and hands it to her.

“Ta,” she says, taking a sip.

Suddenly the caterers emerge from the kitchen with trays of hors d’oeuvres. She visibly perks up.

“Oh thank god.”

She scurries toward them as if she’s been _flung_. Alec is left holding both her water and her vodka soda. And that’s how Jenny finds him.

“Alec Hardy,” she greets him. “Lookin’ every inch the _husband_ , aren’t we.”

Alec holds up both glasses sheepishly. “Guilty.”

“You’ll be holdin’ her handbag next.” She smiles. “Suits you.”

With the sudden appearance of Jenny, Alec is now avidly scouring the room for a location on Hal. Jenny lets him suffer through it for a moment, watching with a wry smile, then nudges his shoulder.

“He’s not here,” Jenny says.

Alec raises an eyebrow. “And yet _you’re_ here.”

She shrugs. “He’s gone to his brother’s in Bristol for an overnight, a pre-Christmas Christmas.” She takes a sip of her drink. “His brother and I fight like cats and dogs so I get to be _here_ , in his stead. To receive gifts on his behalf and make his excuses.”

“And enjoy an open bar.”

“Well that too.” She clinks her glass against the vodka soda in his hand. “We’ll see you at ours later in the week, yeah?”

“Uh.” He is momentarily fuzzy.

“Ellie RSVP’d.”

“Then yes, right, yes. Yours is the 23rd.”

She nods. “Yes.”

“…And what’s today?”

Jenny smirks. “The 21st.”

“Right.” He nods to himself. “Ellie’s in charge of our social calendar.”

They both spot Ellie across the room, popping a bacon-wrapped date into her mouth.

Jenny leans over to him. “Promise neither Hal nor I will be dragging your wife underneath the mistletoe.”

Alec stares at her unhappily. “Why don’t I believe you.”

She sobers. “After what happened in the summer, you can be certain.”

He nods.

“Best behavior all around,” she adds.

“Good.”

Following the traditional gift distribution and speeches from the higher ups, the floor is cleared and the dancing begins. But Ellie finds Alec’s hand and leads him toward the coat check.

“I’m done for,” she admits.

His eyes flicker over her with concern. “You love the dancin’.”

“We really ought to pace ourselves this week.”

He nods slowly before responding. “Right, I’ll get our coats then.”

*

At home, they relieve David from his childminding duties after receiving a good report on the children. Fred went to bed without too much of a fuss, Aila hasn’t woken, and Tom and Daisy returned home from wherever they were not too long ago.

Then just as Alec is preparing to usher Ellie upstairs, she insists he drive her father home.

“No need,” David insists.

Ellie shakes her head wearily. “No, Dad, it’s pitch black and there’s still some ice on the road. Alec will drive you.”

Alec hesitates, then nods, reaching for his keys again. “Right, yeah, I’ll drive you.”

She squeezes his arm. “Thanks, love.” Then kisses her father’s cheek. “Night, Dad. Thanks again for minding the kids.”

When Alec finally gets home and makes it up to their bedroom, he finds Ellie face down on the bed, fast asleep, in one of his t-shirts. He takes a moment to mourn what could have been, then takes his time in the shower, trims his beard just a little, and goes downstairs to make himself a cup of Sleepytime Tea. Then he lies in bed next to her with a book, glancing over every time she flinches or makes a sound. Just as he’s ready to switch off his lamp, he notices that she’s neglected to remove her earrings.

With quiet amusement, he gently and deftly goes about removing them for her, then places them on her bedside table. Before turning off the light, he brushes her hair to the side and kisses the back of her neck.

*

**DECEMBER 22 nd**

The sun has risen only about halfway when Alec wakes the next morning, reaching across the bed to find the other side not only empty but cold. He rubs his face groggily and flings off the duvet. Yawning, he finds his slippers and trudges out of the room.

The nursery door is open, which means that wherever his wife, she must have the baby. And sure enough, as he descends the staircase, he hears the curious babbles of his youngest child growing in volume. _Do-do-do-do-do, bop bop bop._

Sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree is Ellie, surrounded by gifts, wrapping paper rolls, and related accoutrements. Aila is plopped down next to her gleefully playing in and around a large pile of bows. She looks up when she hears footsteps then grins.

“A- _da_ -da!”

“You’re up early,” Alec greets them both, lowering himself, cracking joints be damned, onto the floor with them.

“Woke around 5:30,” Ellie tells him, taping down a corner of wrapping paper. “As if someone had jolted me awake. But you were fast asleep. Been up ever since, thought I’d tackle some more of this.”

Aila crawls over to him, smashing the pile of bows in her way, and climbs into his lap. She’s wearing zip up penguin footie pyjamas, complete with penguin face and beak on the hood. When she plops into his lap, Alec flips the hood up and his insides nearly melt altogether.

“Where’d she get _this_?”

“Was Lizzie’s,” Ellie replies.

“Doot doot doot.” Aila slaps his chest and Alec is reminded of when she was an infant.

“This one’s been up about twenty minutes or so,” Ellie informs him, ripping off a piece of tape with her teeth.

Aila yanks the hood back down again with a grumpy frown. Then she suddenly points to Ellie with a smile while looking up at her father. “Mummum,” she says, as if he hasn’t seen her yet.

Ellie laughs, reaching for the cup of coffee hidden somewhere under a pile of discarded wrapping. “There’s coffee in the kitchen if you’re feeling adventurous.”

He nod. “Probably make some tea in a minute.”

Aila grabs a bow and suddenly sticks it onto his forehead. She squeals with delight and claps her hands.

“Oh god.” Ellie erupts in a fit of laughter. “Oh god don’t move. Please don’t move.”

She fishes around in the debris for her mobile, then takes a photo. Still laughing, she rises from the floor.

“You stay here, I’ll make your tea.” She adjusts her dressing gown and reties the belt, laughter snorting through her nose. “Oh god, it’s too good.” She flips through the photos she’s just taken as she walks out of the room.

Aila, meanwhile, is still grinning up at him, totally delighted. “A-da-da.”

“Thank you,” Alec says, turning his gaze upward in an attempt to see it. Then he looks down at the gift Ellie just finished wrapping. “Is this one from us or from Santa?”

“Santa!” She calls back. “You write it.”

The system they began last year is that gifts from them will have little cards written in her handwriting while gifts from Santa will be in his handwriting.

“Don’t tell your brother,” Alec says, picking up the pen. “But Daddy _is_ Father Christmas.”

Aila just looks at him blankly, so he flips her hood up. She yanks at it, but only proceeds to pull it further over her head.

“Where’s Aila?!” He wonders, looking around. “Where’s my Aila gone?”

Aila continues yanking at the hood, now pulled over her eyes. “Ai-ya. Ai-ya.”

“I don’t see any Aila here.”

Aila gives up on the hood with an unhappy moan and instead starts pulling on his t-shirt. “Ai-ya.”

“Oh, what’s this?” He pushes her hood back, revealing her eyes. “There’s Aila Grace.”

Aila bounces. “Ai-ya, Ai-ya.”

He pulls her tightly against him and plants kisses all over her face. Ellie returns with a steaming mug of tea.

“Only geniuses know their own names at eleven months, right?” Alec asks, looking up at her.

“Well, only geniuses can _say_ their own names at eleven months at least.” She hands him his tea, then perches on the arm of the sofa.

“Thanks, love.” He takes a sip and Aila seizes the opportuntiy to crawl out of his lap and into the mountain of bows again. “What’s in the diary today then?”

“Mm, I think ice skating later this morning, we promised Fred.”

Alec grimaces at her.

“Fear not, Daisy and I will take him,” Ellie says. “Tom’s asked to borrow a car for some unknown reason this afternoon but he promises to have it back within a few hours.”

“Suspicious.”

She shrugs. “We can’t track his _every_ move. Anyway I thought you and Aila could run the bulk of today’s errands while I’ve got Daiz and Fred. You can drop us off at the rink.”

He nods, sipping his tea. “What needs doin’?”

“Big stack of cards and a few packages need dropping off at the post office,” she replies. “Promised Dad we’d drop the Instapot off at his place, he wants to make a fancy holiday curry or something for Sally. Then I need you to do a full Tesco run with the shopping list for Christmas lunch. Probably should get some more wrapping paper just in case. Oh and those little onesies Annie sent for Aila don’t fit her properly so you could pop into the M&S in Westbourne and swap them out so she can wear one on Christmas Day.”

Aila tears apart a bow and then cackles.

“Dunno how you keep all this in your head,” Alec says to his wife.

“Mum brain,” she explains. “Think you can manage it?”

“Dunno.” He looks over at the baby. “You think we can manage it, wee lass?”

Aila glances up. She knows who _wee lass_ is. Then she shakes her head vigorously, grinning. “Mamamamamamama.”

Alec turns back to Ellie. “Wee lass says no. Thinks we can handle _much_ more than that. Do your worst.”

Ellie is smiling, shaking her head to herself. “Can you swing by the dry cleaners as well?”

“Consider it done.”

Aila crawls back to her father’s lap. “Dun dun dun.”

“And the chemist? Dad has a prescription waiting, you can bring it by with the Instapot.”

“Dr. Waverly emailed last night, she wants me to start taking a steady regimen of Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Folic Acid, Iron, and that fiber powder stuf. Can you grab those?”

He nods. “Forward me the email.”

She smiles, then leans down and gives him a kiss. “Thank you. Gonna go get dressed.”

“We’ll just be here,” he says as she walks away. “Waitin’ for the other penguins to show.”

Aila stands up on his lap, holding onto his shirt for balance. He yanks her hood down over her eyes.

“Uh oh...”

*

“Fffffffuuuuuuuuuck.”

Tom, sitting on the floor next to Daisy’s bed, tips all the way over until his face hits the carpet.

“I don’t understand.”

Daisy is sitting up against her headboard, duvet pulled up, a mug of tea in one hand and water bottle in the other.

“We were home before _eleven_ ,” she notes with astonishment. “How in the name of god can we be _this_ hungover.”

“Those bloody car bombs.”

Daisy leans over and looks down at him. “You did _car bombs_?”

“Think so. Honestly it’s all a blur.” Tom covers his eyes with his forearm. “Mum _cannot know_.”

“Mate, our parents are bloody detectives. You party at your own risk in this family,” Daisy reminds him. “Also _never do car bombs_ , you idiot.”

“Well _I_ didn’t know,” he snaps back at her.

What follows is a long, long silence during which both of them stare dizzily ahead at nothing. And then finally:

“Go have a shower,” Daisy tells him. “Go have the longest shower of your life and don’t go downstairs until you can move without holding your head.”

Tom grunts in response.

“I’ll shower in Dad and El’s loo. I’ve got to go ice-skating with her and Fred in an hour.”

Tom groans loudly and fits his head between his knees.

“Christmas is canceled.”

*

Following a forty-five minute shower, Tom dresses and comes jogging downstairs, suddenly ravenous. Unfortunately, he can hear his brother whining all the way from upstairs and soon he finds his entire family gathered in, of all places, the dining room.

Fred is sitting at the table, his Legos before him. Daisy sits beside him. His mother is kneeling next to his chair while Alec stands nearby with the baby on his hip.

“You _promised_!” Fred is complaining. “You _said_.”

“You’re still going, little love,” Ellie tells him, rubbing his knee. “Just you and Daisy. You’ll have much more fun without me.”

Fred sniffles, then immediately begins crying again. “It’s not fair. Why does _work_ get to have you and I don’t?!”

Tom stands in the doorway watching. He notices that his baby sister is uncharacteristically quiet. She seems to sense that now is not the moment for her nonsense babbling. She watches the scene before her with wide eyes, grasping and releasing fistfuls of Alec’s jumper over and over.

“Fred, you know these things happen sometimes.” Ellie looks weary, a bit pale even. “When _the police_ need us, we have to help, don’t we?”

Fred says nothing. He agrees but doesn’t want her to know it.

“Mumma’s job is really helping people,” she tells him. “And sometimes we have to make sacrifices so that Mumma can help the people who need her.”

“But _I_ need you,” Fred says with a pout.

“ _You_ are going to have a fine time ice skating with your big sister, who is only here for a week, remember. You’re going to skate and eat lots of sweets and have hot cocoa. And you’ll have Daisy all to yourself.”

Fred considers this. “No Ailie?”

“No Ailie.”

Aila lays her head against her father’s shoulder and quietly says _Ai-ya_ , like it’s a reflex she knows she should quell in the moment but can’t.

“Now come on.” Ellie stands and helps Fred hop off the chair. “Run upstairs and get your skates.”

As Fred runs upstairs and Daisy follows him, Alec touches Ellie’s arm. “Are you sure it’s not something _I_ can do?”

Ellie shakes her head. “No, it’s follow ups for the Martin case I’ve been working on.”

“Right.”

Then she fixes her gaze on Tom. “Lovely, you still need a car this afternoon, yeah?”

“Um. Yeah.” He nods.

“All right, so Alec, you’ll drop Daiz and Fred off and Tom, I’ll need you to drop me at the station.”

He nods again. “Okay.”

“Have you eaten?” She touches his shoulder.

“I’ll stop for something.”

She squeezes his arm then heads out into the hallway.

“All right, everyone, coats and boots! Don’t forget hats and gloves.”

Tom walks up behind her into the foyer. “Mobile says it’s actually a bit warmer today.”

“Well, good,” she replies. “Coats and boots anyway.”

*

Tom drops Ellie off at the Broadchurch Police Station and she stands before the entrance for a brief moment – one breath in, one breath out – before entering. Up at CID, the floor is half-empty. Ellie walks slowly toward her office, avoiding eye contact, with a hand on her stomach.

Katie Harford glances up from her desk when she hears her boots shuffling across the floor.

“Ellie?”

Ellie holds a hand up but looks down.

“Everything all right?” Katie asks.

“Fine.”

Then Ellie disappears into her office and closes the door. She does not turn on the lights.

*

Alec and Aila stop at the chemist first.

“All right, Hardy?”

“Jim, hi.” He stops at the pharmacy counter at the back of the shop. He holds Aila at his hip. She yanks off her hat, leaving her thin hair sticking in all directions with static. “Pickin’ up for Ellie’s dad.”

“Right. Hi, Aila.” The man leans forward to smile at the baby.

“Ai-ya.”

“Don’t like your hat, eh?”

Alec takes the woolen hat and shoves it into his coat pocket. “She’s morally opposed.”

Aila looks at Jim and points to her father. “A-da-da.”

“Yeah, that’s your dad, innit?”

“Da-da.”

“She’s been doin’ that,” Alec says, handing over his credit card. “Introducin’ us to people. Does it with Ellie too.”

“Kids. What a riot.” Jim chuckles as he turns his back to them, going through the prescriptions. “Barrett, Barrett, Barrett….here we are, David Barrett.”

“Gettin’ all these too.” Alec places a basket on the counter containing all of the vitamins Ellie has requested.

“Ah. Stocking up for winter, are we,” Jim says, ringing them up. Then he picks up the folic acid. He looks up with a raised eyebrow. “Ellie’s not pregnant again, is she?”

Alec chuckles uncomfortably. “Ach, no, no.” He jostles Aila a bit to distract him. “Got our hands full with this one here.”

When he looks at Aila, she smiles back innocently and says, “No no.”

With wide eyes, Alec glances back at Jim, as if it confirm he heard that as well. “Did you – “

“No no,” Aila says again.

“Oh god.”

Jim grins. “It’s startin’.”

When Alec finally leaves the chemist, he commends himself for blending into the community. For starting to learn peoples’ names after all these years. For being generally pleasant.

*

Ellie sits at her desk without even turning her computer on. She leans forward, resting her elbows on her lap, face in her hands.

*

Alec keeps the motor running when he parks outside David’s flat. He rolls his window down as David emerges from the building.

“Thanks for comin’ down,” he says. “Bit of an ordeal shufflin’ this one around.” He nods back at Aila in her car seat. “And we’ve got a long list of errands today.”

“Ah, no bother.” David zips his jacket up.

Alec hands him the bag of prescriptions. “From the chemist.”

“Ah, brilliant, ta.”

“Instapot’s in the back.”

David opens up the back door where the Instapot sits beside Aila’s car seat.

“Hello, granddaughter.”

Aila kicks her legs happily and shrieks with glee.

“You’re in a good mood, I see.” He squeezes her foot.

“Think she quite likes runnin’ about with me,” Alec says, turning to glance behind him. “Likes to be _involved_ in things.”

“Quite right,” David replies. “Daddy’s little helper, aren’t you, love?”

Aila kicks the back of the seat in front of her. “No no.”

David turns to Alec with an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, that’s new,” Alec admits grudgingly. “Least she doesn’t know what it means yet.”

David chuckles and hoists the Instapot out of the backseat. “God save us when she does.”

“Sure you’ve got that?”

“Sure, right enough. Thanks much,” David answers. “See you Thursday. Bye bye, Aila.”

Aila waves at him. “Bah-buh.”

*

Ellie is jolted out of a possible dissociation by a massive wave of nausea. She stands up quickly, briefly assess the likelihood of making it to the loo, then vomits into the bin by her desk.

*

Alec carries Aila through M&S silently wishing he’d just taken her buggy out of the boot. Two hands is not enough. But he manages, somehow, to switch out the onesies for one size up and only has to put Aila down on the floor once. And instead of trying to escape, the baby sits diligently at her father’s feet, looking around in awe and perhaps with mild fear.

The deed done, a lightbulb appears above Alec’s head.

“Let’s grab a treat for Mummy,” he says to her, heading for the refridgerated section. “She loves those stupid bloody mini scotch eggs. Unnatural though they are.”

“Mummum,” Aila agrees.

After purchasing the package of scotch eggs, Alec slips them into the tote with the onesies and they emerge out into the chilly afternoon air again.

“Alec Hardy?”

He stops short to find a woman staring at him from a few metres away. Vaguely familiar, though slightly obscured by winterwear…

She comes closer. “Jeannette Cantor,” she says, sensing his dilemma. “Sandbrook CID?”

“Ah, right, right, ‘course…Jeannette.”

He’s squinting at her to get a clearer picture and jog his memory. It comes back to him slowly, or so it feels – in reality it can only have been a few seconds. She was a DS in Sandbrook, perhaps a few years younger than Tess.

“I’d _heard_ you’d moved out this way,” she is saying. “Decided to stick it out in Broadchurch, eh?”

“Ah, well, married a loyal denizen, so the choice was made for me,” he replies.

“Oh gosh that’s right.” Jeannette’s face seems to light up with the realization. “Ellie Miller, yeah?”

Alec clears his throat a bit uncomfortably. “Ellie Hardy now.”

“Wow. How great.” She’s smiling a bit too widely. Then she looks at Aila, who seems to have been waiting patiently for the conversation to land upon her. “And this is…?”

“Ah, my daughter.” He jostles the baby from one hip to the other. “Name’s Aila.”

Jeannette gasps with delight. “ _Hi_ , Aila,” she says in a high-pitched voice. “Oh gosh, look at _you_ , what a doll.”

Aila is smiling but says, “No no.”

Jeannette laughs. Alec pats the baby’s back. “She’s just learned that,” he says somewhat apologetically.

“Gorgeous.” She gives Aila’s foot a quick tug then looks at Alec. “Is it _I-S_ or – “

“ _A-I_ ,” Alec replies.

“Ai-ya,” Aila says triumphantly.

“What is she, ten months? Quite chatty.”

“Nearly a year,” Alec tells her.

“Tiny thing,” Jeannette says.

Aila yawns, then lays her head on Alec’s shoulder. Alec silently thanks her.

“Well we’d best be gettin’ on.”

“Oh, ‘course, of course,” Jeannette says, rubbing her cold hands together. “Lovely to see you. So happy to see things going well for you.”

“Thanks very much.” Alec avoids eye contact, nodding. “Uh, good to see you.”

“Bye, Aila!” Jeannette heads toward the M&S entrance.

“No no,” Aila says sleepily.

*

Meanwhile, at the ice rink, Daisy is utterly wiped out. Two hours of trying to keep up with her little brother has done her in. She sits on a bench and sets about unlacing her skates while Fred energetically swings his legs back and forth next to her.

“Daisy.”

“Yeah, mate.” She yanks one skate off her foot.

“When you’re all done with uni will you come back and live with us again?” Fred asks.

“Um.” She purses her lips. “Dunno, Fred. Probably not. But it could happen.”

He kicks his foot against the base of the bench. “If Mumma and Daddy go away, do you take care of me? Does Tom?”

Daisy grimaces. “What?”

“If something happens to them. Or they have to leave. Who takes care of me and Ailie?”

“Nothing’s going to happen to them, Freddie,” she replies earnestly.

“But if it did.”

“…Don’t know.” She yanks her other skate off. “Might be your Auntie Lucy. And I’d come around all the time. Tom too.”

“What about Auntie Greer?”

“Yeah, her too. You’d have lots of people to take care of you.”

Fred stares at the ice. “Would they do as good a job as Mumma and Daddy?”

“Fred.” Daisy tucks one foot underneath her and turns to him. “Why d’you think something’s gonna happen to them?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I dunno.”

Daisy observes him for a moment, looking for signs of distress or subliminal angst, but she finds none.

“…Just curious then?”

“Yeah.” Fred finally begins attempting to unlace his skates. “I can’t take care of Ailie _by myself_.”

Daisy snorts. “Right. No, ‘course not.” She rubs her face, shaking her head. “Let’s get these off you then go in search of some hot cocoa, yeah?”

“Yeah!”

*

At Tesco, Alec plops Aila into the child seat of the trolley. This is the first time he’s taken her to Tesco and she’s been big enough to sit in it without wobbling to and fro. And she is _delighted_.

As they traverse the aisles, Aila holds the shopping list helpfully, her eyes wide and curious as all the shapes and colours roll by.

“Mummy’s goin’ to want at least two cartons of ice cream, don’t you reckon?”

Aila nods. “Mummum.”

“Some peanut butter too,” he says. “Practically lived off that when you were just born. Didn’t eat a proper meal for weeks thanks to you.”

Aila grins and nods her head emphatically.

“You enjoyed all that peanut-flavoured breast milk, didn’t you?”

She grips the front of the trolley and bounces herself back and forth. “You you you you you.”

As they turn a corner, they run smack into a tall, blonde woman.

“Oi.” Her angry face quickly morphs into a smile. “Oh _hello_.”

Alec sighs. Becca Fisher.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he says quickly.

“No bother, you two,” Becca says genially. “Hiya, Aila.”

Aila just continues bouncing back and forth, a newfound joy.

“Stocking up for Christmas?”

“Yeah,” Alec replies. “Got a long list to get through.”

“Aren’t you _good_ ,” Becca gushes. “Minding the baby _and_ doing the shopping.”

Alec blinks at her. “Not mindin’ when it’s my own baby.”

“No no, of course, I just meant – “

“No no,” Aila interjects. Then she waves at Becca. “Bah-buh.”

Alec could absolutely squeeze her senseless.

“Ah, the queen has spoken,” he says. “Off we go then. Happy Christmas, Becca.”

Becca appears a bit miffed. “…Happy Christmas.”

Once they’re out of earshot, Alec leans down to Aila’s level. “My wee genius.” He smooches her cheek. “Gonna take you with me wherever I go from now on.”

Aila claps her hands.

*

CID has remained fairly quiet throughout the day. There are only a few detectives, mostly junior, bustling around when Alec steps onto the floor with Aila. Again, it’s Katie Harford who first takes notice.

“Hardy.”

“Just stoppin’ to check on my wife,” Alec says breezily, determined not to get pulled into whatever may be awaiting him on his week off.

Aila waves at Katie contentedly.

“Hi, Aila.” She shakes off the baby-induced distraction. “Uh, she’s not here, sir.”

Alec pauses just outside Ellie’s office, where the door is closed and the lights are off.

“She said she was comin’ in to follow up on a few things,” he says with a frown.

“She _was_ here,” Katie tells him. “For a bit. Just in there.” She gestures at the office. “Kept the lights off. Didn’t hear much out of her. She left maybe twenty minutes ago.”

Alec’s eyes flicker around thoughtfully as he works through several questions in his mind. Then he looks at Katie squarely. “Much.”

“What?”

“Didn’t hear _much_ out of her, what _did_ you hear.”

“Well.” Katie shifts her weight back and forth uncomfortably. “Bit of retching.”

“In there.” He points to her office dubiously.

Katie nods.

“Right.” He walks toward her and transfers Aila into her arms. “Mind the baby for a second, will you.”

Aila looks up at Katie with a smile and points at her father as he walks away. “A-da-da.”

Alec opens the door to Ellie’s office and steps inside. It is indeed empty. With slight trepidation he approaches the bin. With a discouraged sigh, he removes the bin bag and ties it up. His head foggy, he walks on autopilot all the way outside until he reaches the station’s waste bins behind the building. He drops the bag in, then returns inside.

Aila is playing with Katie’s hair when he reaches them again. Playing with, pulling at, hard to say.

“Right, come on then, darlin’.” He scoops Aila up again. “Happy Christmas, Harford.”

“Um.” She breathes out, then nods. “Right, happy Christmas then.”

*

The first thing Alec does upon arriving back home is bring Aila upstairs for her overdue nap. He sees that his bedroom door is closed and knows exactly where his wife is.

Aila goes down easily, exhausted from the day’s activities.

Then he sets about bringing the groceries inside and putting everything in its proper place. That done, he makes a cup of tea, grabs the package of M&S scotch eggs, and heads upstairs.

In their bedroom, she has drawn the curtains, but a few rays of light manage to stream in. She’s lying on her side, as she most often is, fast asleep and holding onto her favourite memory foam pillow. He tiptoes into the room and quietly closes the door behind him. Keeping his eyes on her, he sets the tea and the scotch eggs on his nightstand, then slowly crawls onto the mattress bedside her, lying opposite her.

She stirs just a little, but doesn’t open her eyes. He reaches out to stroke her hair. Her lips form a smile though her eyes are still closed.

“Hey,” she whispers hoarsely.

“Hey.” His hand travels down to her arm, fingertips lightly running up and down.

“Is it late?”

“Mm no, you’re all right, love.”

She takes a slow, deep breath, then opens her eyes. She waits for his image to clarify before her. “They didn’t call me in to work.”

“I know,” he replies gently.

“I did go though.”

He nods. “Mm-hm.”

“You know?”

Alec reaches back to the nightstand and grabs the package of scotch eggs. “Stopped by to bring you these.”

Her face instantly lights up, but she doesn’t move. “ _Oh_.”

“Harford said you’d been but you’d just left.”

Ellie cringes a bit. “She say anything else?”

“That she heard you vomitin’.” He strokes her cheek then squeezes her shoulder.

“Yeah,” she replies with an air of disappointment in her voice, disappointment in herself. Then her eyes widen. “Oh god, it must be – “

“I took out the bin bag.”

She stares at him in awe for a moment. “Patron saint of sick wives.” Then, after a moment, she inches closer to him until their faces are just inches apart. “I’m sorry. I should’ve just said.”

“You were feelin’ poorly, you needed to rest, and you didn’t want anyone to know about it,” Alec surmises.

She nods.

“And you didn’t tell _me_ because you didn’t want me worried about you.”

She nods again. Then she smiles. “Did you and Aila have a nice morning?”

He smiles back, reaching out to play with her hair absently. “We did actually. Knocked out everythin’ on your list.”

“Angels.”

“Is it weird that I genuinely enjoy hangin’ out with a baby?”

Ellie chuckles. “A bit.”

“She really is excellent company,” he says.

She pulls his hand from her hair and holds it. “As long as _I’m_ still your best mate.”

Alec touches his forehead to hers and closes his eyes. Hers flutter closed as well and they fall into a brief silence.

Then a sly smile appears on his face. “She has a surprise for you, by the way.”

Her eyes blink open. “Aila?”

He nods. “Picked up a new phrase.”

She brightens. “What is it?!”

“Just you wait.” He adjusts his position a bit so that he can pull her against him and wrap his arms around her. Pliably, she melts into him and settles there. “We also ran into Becca Fisher at Tesco and she almost immediately waved and said ‘bah-buh,’ ended the conversation for me.”

Ellie’s body shakes with laughter. “Really?”

“An amazin’ wingman. Right on the money.” He tightens his arms around her. “D’you still want to go out tonight?”

She nods against his chest. “Mm-hm. Feeling all right now.”

“It’ll be a long evenin’…”

She pinches him. “Don’t you start using me to get out of social engagements, it’s cheap,” she says. “Besides, it’ll be fun. We’ll get properly sauced at Maggie and Jocelyn’s, then Beth’s do will be a _breeze_. Go down nice and smooth.”

“An hour ago you were retchin’ into a bin and now you’re on about _gettin’ sauced_ at a party tonight.”

“I’m a complicated woman.”

He kisses the top of her head. “You want those scotch eggs now?”

She props herself up on her elbow. “Yes please.”

He slides up into a seated position against the headboard. “Made you some tea as well.”

Ellie sits up beside him. He hands her the mug of tea then opens the package of mini eggs for her. She immediately grabs one and pops it in her mouth.

“Did you ever think you’d live to be the greatest husband in all the land?”

He snorts.

“’Cause you did it, congratulations.” She sips her tea, smiling at him.

 _Just in time to possibly lose you_ , he thinks. Then winces and mentally kicks himself.

After she pops another egg into her mouth, they hear the front door open and close followed by the distinctly recognizable cacophony of sound that is their six-year-old.

“Trouble,” Ellie says with a grin.

“Thy name is Fred.” He leans down and kisses her forehead. “Why don’t you have a bath or somethin’? I’ll set him up with lunch and a film. The baby should be out for a while.”

She nods, closing the package before she consumes anymore. “Love you.”

“Lucky me.”

***


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh sorry I keep needing more chapters. My obsession with all the quotidian aspects of domestic life is making all these chapters way too long and it's fully my own fault. Christmas in January, what are you gonna do.

Ellie spends the afternoon with Fred once he has returned from his ice skating excursion. He’s a bit sleepy and more pliable than usual. They watch _Home Alone 2_ together, Ellie sipping her tea with mild amusement while Fred giggles wildly at each gaff. He’s snuggled up to her, using her breasts a pillow, and she absently rubs his back, relishing the moment.

When Aila wakes from her nap, Alec brings her downstairs, calling out to Fred at the same time.

“Fred, let’s get a move on, eh!” He calls into the living room. “Got to finish up our Special Mission.”

“Oh!” Fred hops up. “Sorry Mumma, gotta go do something _very important_.”

“Is that right?” She smirks.

Alec appears in the living room with Aila. She blinks sleepily, smiling with anticipation. She sees Ellie and starts bouncing excitedly.

“Shoes on, lad,” Alec instructs Fred.

As Fred runs out of the room, Alec deposits Aila into Ellie’s outstretched arms.

“There’s my sweet girl.” She kisses the baby’s face, then snuggles her. “You had a good nap, didn’t you? Daddy tuckered you right out this morning.”

Aila rubs her face into Ellie’s chest. “Mummum.”

Alec slips his hands into his trouser pockets with a smile. Aila is now clinging to Ellie like a starfish, all of her limbs engaged in the cuddle. Ellie’s arms are wrapped around her, lips in her hair.

“Don’t s’pose you want me to take her with me,” Alec says, making it clear that the offer is on the table.

“No no, we’ll manage here just us girls.”

Aila, as if a lightbulb has suddenly illuminated, looks up at her mother with a mischievous smile. “No no.”

Ellie’s mouth opens but no words come out. She switches her gaze to Alec, who is grinning.

“…That’s the surprise, isn’t it?”

He nods. “You bet.”

She looks back down at Aila. “I beg your pardon, little bug, is that a _no_ I’m hearing?” She smushes Aila’s face with kisses.

Aila giggles, barely managing to eke out another _no no_ , _no no._

“No no what?” Ellie asks. “No no kisses?” She continues to smooch her. “No no tickles?” She tickles Aila’s tummy. Aila is giggling infectiously, happily flailing about. “No no cuddles?” She squeezes her tight.

Aila reaches a hand into Ellie’s mouth and Ellie kisses it.

“READY!” Fred appears in the doorway.

Alec’s focus on them is broken. “No boots outside the foyer,” he says automatically, causing Fred to run back down the hall.

Ellie is lifting up her jumper. “How about _no no nursing_?”

Aila is nodding her approval enthusiastically as Ellie unsnaps her bra. “Mummum.” Then she quickly latches on as Ellie cradles her.

“Right, you two, we’re off,” Alec says, a bit reluctantly. He could stand here and watch them all day. “Back in a bit.”

“Say _bye bye, Daddy_ ,” Ellie coos down at Aila.

Aila unlatches just briefly, then tips her head back to look at her father upside down. “Bah-buh.”

*

While Alec and Fred return to the ceramics shop, Ellie is having a come to jesus moment with her closet. Deeply unsatisfied, she shows up outside Daisy’s slightly ajar door. Inside, Daisy and Chloe are listening to Christmas music and wrapping presents.

“Hi, lovelies,” Ellie greets them, holding the baby on her hip. “…Oi, Chloe, shouldn’t you be helping your mum set up for the party tonight?”

“She tossed me out.” Chloe shrugs. “Insists on doing everything herself. You know Mum.”

“Right. Well. Wonder if you two might lend me your collective expertise for a bit,” she says. “I hate everything in my closet and need something for tonight.”

“Didn’t you and Mum go shopping the other day?” Chloe asks.

Ellie nods. “Doesn’t feel right though, what we pulled for tonight. Doesn’t feel like _me_ right now at this moment.”

“So you need to go back out to the shops?” Daisy asks, nodding thoughtfully.

“Actually.” Ellie shifts Aila from one hip to the other. “I’ve a better idea. If you’ll indulge me.”

Fifteen minutes later, the four of them are stepping into Lucy’s house, using Ellie’s spare key.

“Breaking into someone’s house with a _copper_ …” Chloe chuckles. “Best day ever.”

“It’s not breaking in when you have a _key_ ,” Ellie reminds them. “Bedroom’s in the back, come on.”

With Lucy in Denmark, Ellie considers everything left in her wardrobe to be fair game. Daisy and Ellie sift through the options while Chloe sits on Lucy’s bed with Aila. Ellie tries on several dresses before Daisy has an inspired fashion epiphany. She gathers a few garments and then hands them to her.

“This is it.”

Ellie blinks at her. “Trousers?”

“Trust me.”

*

“We’ll be late.”

When Alec enters their bedroom, Ellie is giving him the warning glare he knows so well.

“Was pressin’ my trousers,” he grumbles in reply. Then, laying said trousers gently on the bed, he begins to strip out of his present clothing. “Don’t want me lookin’ like somethin’ off the street, do you.”

She’s standing in front of her mirror, attempting to clasp on her necklace. “God forbid there be one wrinkle in your precious suit.”

“Not wearin’ a suit.” He looks at her defiantly. Then his eyes catch on her and he gazes at her from top to bottom. “… _That’s_ nice.”

“Hm?” She turns around. “Oh.”

She’s wearing loose, flowy dark green trousers, high-waisted and cinched with a gold belt. With it a silk maroon top, seamlessly tucked in, with a very flattering v-neck. Her hair is mostly pinned back, a few curls allowed to escape, showing off yesterday’s snowflake earrings again. The outfit hugs each curve perfectly and makes her look and feel both confident and elegant.

“Stolen from Lucy’s closet,” Ellie admits a bit sheepishly. “The girls picked it out. I like it. It’s actually quite comfy and I can move around easily enough.”

He starts walking slowly toward her, stripped down to his briefs. “Yes, much to admire…” He reaches for her waist and pulls her close, his lips going to her throat.

“Already late,” she protests, holding him back.

“Mm.” His lips remain glued to her neck.

“Finish getting dressed please.”

He sighs and steps back. “Just have to admire you from afar at the party tonight. Be the shadowy figure in the corner undressin’ you with my eyes.”

Ellie raises an eyebrow. “If you’re going to do that, what’s the point of me wearing this very nice outfit?”

“Outfit’s good too,” he replies, stepping into his freshly pressed trousers. And when she turns back around he adds, “Your arse has never looked better.”

Despite herself, this elicits a chuckle from her as she makes another attempt at the necklace. He zips his fly then moves back toward her.

“Let me give it a go.”

He cinches the necklace together for her then lays the gold chain at the back of her neck before placing a kiss on her shoulder. Like he always does.

“There you are.”

“Thanks.” She turns around. “Finish up, I’ll go check on the kids.”

*

On the floor on Daisy’s bedroom, Aila is sitting on her knees, bouncing up and down to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” while Daisy and Chloe do their makeup. She sings along, in her own way, though she confuses most of the lyrics with _yayayayayaya_.

Ellie pushes open the door all the way and immediately starts chuckling. “Hello, ladies.”

Aila turns her head with a grin and continues singing. “Yayayayayaya.”

“Don’t think you've quite got it yet, little bug,” Ellie tells her, scooping her up off the floor. “Thanks for minding her for a bit.”

“No bother,” Daisy replies with a shrug. “She’s been remarkably chill.”

“And _chatty_ ,” Chloe adds, leaning forward toward the mirror. “Lizzie was never so talkative.”

“Well.” Ellie smirks at the baby on her hip. “Consider her parents.”

Daisy nods. “Touché.”

“Doh doh doh,” Aila says, causing Ellie to blink at her with surprise.

“…Anyway, Dad and I are off soon, we’ve got drinks with Maggie and Jocelyn before the party,” Ellie tells them.

“Pre-drinks,” Chloe says with an approving nod. “Good call.”

“Yes, help yourself to the bar downstairs, but only if you’re not driving,” Ellie offers with a warning tone. “And within reason.”

“Tom’s driving,” Daisy informs her. “We’ll keep him off the sauce.”

“Good. Speaking of.” Aila suddenly lays her head down on Ellie’s shoulder and goes quiet. Ellie rubs her back. “Erin’s babysitting tonight, remember. Do we think Tom’ll be all right?”

Daisy thinks about it a moment, tilting her head to one side. “Yeah, reckon they’re friendly again, it’s fine.”

“Ask him not to have Chelsea stop over, please, while Erin’s here,” Ellie requests. “If you’re having pre-drinks. That’s just bad form.”

“Right,” Daisy agrees. “Look hot by the way,” she adds with a smirk.

“Oh.” Ellie looks down at herself, blushing. “Thanks to you two, good eye.”

“Dad’ll have to up his game if he wants to leave with the one he came with.”

*

Fred is already bouncing off the walls when Erin arrives. He tackles her and nearly knocks her clean over. When Alec has finally finished getting ready, he joins them in the living room.

“Aila’s already a bit sleepy, as you can see.” The baby is still laying quietly on Ellie’s shoulder. “She should go down about 7:30 but if she’s truly fading on you, 7:15 is fine. Try not to put her down any earlier if you can.”

“Right, okay.”

Alec comes up beside Ellie, a hand at her back. He offers a polite smile and nod to Erin, opting not to interrupt.

“ _This_ one.” Ellie gestures at Fred. “Is already in his pyjamas so that’s one hurdle you’ll not have to jump. Bedtime is just brushing his teeth and a story. You read one, he reads one.”

“I can stay up late tonight,” Fred announces, sitting on the arm of the sofa.

Alec gives him a look and waves his hand. He slides off onto the cushions obediently.

“Yes, unfortunately for you, Fred _can_ stay up late tonight, but no later than nine. He’s expressed his ardent desire to watch a Christmas film with you once Aila has gone down,” Ellie tells her. “Tom and Daisy are here with Chloe, they’ll be leaving maybe an hour or so after us. They’ll likely be hanging about upstairs or in the kitchen.”

“Tell her about the cocoa,” Fred whispers harshly.

Ellie smiles, shaking her head. “Fred is allowed to have hot cocoa tonight and maybe a sweet or two, but no later than 7:30.”

“There’s a bottle ready to go in the fridge for the wee one at bedtime,” Alec pipes up. “Already defrosted.”

Ellie acknowledges him briefly. “Thanks, love.” She turns back to Erin. “She shouldn’t need to do any snacking other than that but if Fred has something, be prepared for her to whine for it.”

“We’ll just be down the road for most of the evenin’,” Alec continues. “Don’t hesitate to ring.”

“Or text,” Ellie adds. She nudges Alec. “This one will likely have his mobile on him all night, avoiding human contact.”

Alec smiles sheepishly and shrugs.

“All right, my loves, you be good for Erin.” She smooches Aila, then hands her over to Alec, who does the same.

“Sleep tight, darlin’.”

Ellie goes to the sofa to cuddle Fred. “I want a good report tonight or we’ll have to tell Santa,” she warns him.

“Okay, Mumma.”

Alec squeezes Aila then hands her down to Erin.

“Bye, Daddy!” Fred throws himself at Alec’s legs, looking up at him with a cheeky grin. “Santa’s gonna be _very_ proud of me tonight.”

Alec snorts. “Is he then? Good.” He kisses the top of Fred’s head. “No Facetiming us with the iPad unless it’s an emergency.”

Ellie makes a cringey face to Erin, silently transmitting the fact that this has clearly happened before. “Feel free to just hide the iPad altogether, he doesn’t need it.”

“Erin is in charge of emergencies,” Fred recites to Alec, well-trained.

“That’s right. So no Facetiming at all.”

“Okay. Can you go now?”

“We’re going!” Ellie throws up her hands.

Alec disappears into the foyer as Ellie smothers Aila with kisses one last time.

“Goodnight, sweet girl.”

Alec then returns with his coat on and helps Ellie on with hers. With an arm around her waist he guides her toward the door. “Come on, Mummy.”

“Right, okay, I’m coming, off we go.”

*

Alec does the driving, as he tends to do when they’re not at work. It’s a short trip to Maggie and Jocelyn’s, but he reaches for her hand anyway.

“How d’you feel?”

She keeps her gaze focused on the images of her beloved town whipping past her out the window. “Quite good actually. Hoping I’ll last longer than I did last night.”

“We can leave anytime,” he reminds her, with a hint of concern in his voice. “Happy to fabricate an excuse. You can always blame my general misanthropy.”

She turns and smiles at him. “So generous.”

After a moment of quiet, he asks, tentatively, “When are you goin’ to tell Beth?”

“Hm?” She frowns. “Oh. Dunno. Certainly not tonight.”

“But you’ll tell her before the surgery.”

“Yes, I s’pose.”

He simply nods and keeps his eyes on the road.

*

Maggie and Jocelyn are both very happy to be dressed up. Their home is decorated nearly as much as the Hardy home, which is quite considerable as they have no children to appease.

“Everything looks so lovely,” Ellie comments, her eyes darting around at the blinking lights.

“Any excuse,” Jocelyn replies, throwing a bit of side eye at Maggie.

“Well, my god, it isn’t as if we have anything _better_ to do!” Maggie quips in return.

Alec and Ellie are led into the sitting room and offered the love seat. Maggie brings out a plate of warm sausage rolls as Jocelyn fixes the drinks.

Once she has her G&T in hand, Ellie says, “It’s so nice of you to invite us over, really.”

They all clink their glasses.

“We’re happy you could find the time,” answers Maggie.

Ellie laughs. “I know we might give the impression that we’re terribly busy but in fact I fear we’re just homebodies.” She glances at Alec with a slightly sheepish smile. “Particularly in the winter.”

“You’re the ones with full-time jobs and four children,” Jocelyn reminds them, sipping her scotch slowly.

“We might’ve been better at this ten years ago,” Ellie admits. “But two small children at our age doesn’t leave us with much energy.”

Alec squeezes her knee as he sips his scotch.

“So I s’pose that’s the end of it, eh?” Maggie surmises. “No more children.”

Ellie nearly snorts her drink out of her nose. “God, no.”

“Ah well. Aila and Fred will be mates soon enough,” Maggie tells them. “The age difference will start to matter less. My sister’s got three, all four years apart. Once they all hit school age they managed better.”

“That’s good to know, actually,” Alec replies. “Fred’s still not quite keen on his wee sister.”

“ _Sometimes_ ,” Ellie corrects him. “He does all right sometimes. But he’s going through a sort of new attachment phase.”

Alec raises his glass to his lips. “Seems we only just cured him of the _last_ attachment phase.”

Ellie frowns at him but tries to keep her focus on their hosts. “He has a good deal of internalized trauma, my therapist thinks. From when he was a baby. He has these attachments, these incredibly strong _needs_ in him and he doesn’t know why. Reckon it can be just as frustrating for him as it is for us.”

“Understandable,” Maggie replies. “Well, last time I saw Aila, she was happy as a clam. Quite a bubbly little thing.”

Ellie laughs. “Yes well she has _no_ internalized trauma. So far anyway.”

Alec raises his arm and slinks it around her shoulders.

Maggie chuckles too. “She’s got a very ‘just happy to be here’ sort of thing going.”

“That’s it,” Alec agrees. “She has no gripes with the world as yet. She gets to spend every moment of every day with people she adores and life is good.”

Jocelyn sighs wistfully. “Oh to be a baby in this world.”

Then Maggie insists they dig into the sausage rolls. Ellie, who barely ate supper, can still only stomach half of one. Alec eats the other.

“Had you down for three or four at least, El,” Maggie jokes.

“Ah, we got the kids pizza for supper,” Ellie lies, deliberately not looking at her husband. “Afraid I indulged a bit too much.”

“Yes, I reckon it’s hard to resist when it’s right in front of you, isn’t it,” Maggie agrees amiably.

The conversation continues, largely pleasant and mostly enjoyable. It’s clear that Maggie and Jocelyn are a bit wanting for good company these days. Perhaps Maggie moreso than Jocelyn, but nonetheless, Jocelyn does not seem at all put out to have guests. For most of the hour, Ellie keeps her legs daintily crossed and Alec keeps a hand on her knee, the other helps him nurse a single scotch while Ellie makes it to number two. He observes keenly as she begins to loosen up, perhaps part of her starts to forget and she escapes the dark cloud that’s been hanging over her. Over them. Her cheeks gain a bit of colour and she relaxes into him as she and Maggie do the majority of the talking.

“Shall we have ourselves one more?” Maggie asks, directly to Ellie, as it nears eight o’clock.

Ellie bites her lips with a coy little grin. “Oh, just one, just quickly then.”

“Barkeep’s done for the day, you two are on your own,” Jocelyn tells them. She’s on her second scotch. “Good thing Alec’s driving.” She looks at him. “You _are_ driving, I presume.”

Alec nods reluctantly, though it is not reluctant at all on his part. “Expected nothin’ less.”

Ellie squeezes the hand resting on top of her knee, then moves it away so she can get up with Maggie. The two scurry into the kitchen.

Jocelyn shakes her head. “ _Wives_.”

In the kitchen, Ellie leans against the counter as Maggie refreshes their drinks.

“There’s something extraordinary about the way Alec lights up when he talks about Aila, you know,” Maggie tells her friend.

For a moment, Ellie looks surprised at this turn in this conversation, but then smiles and nods. The smile one that is typically reserved for Alec, only he is not here to receive it.

“Mm,” she agrees. “I know. They truly have the most fascinating bond, those two.”

Maggie smirks. “Would you have believed it?”

Ellie is suddenly struck by the memory of nearly two years earlier, the day after she’d learned she was pregnant, running into Maggie…on the street, was it? She has a vague memory of possibly vomiting into a bin. But what she does remember clearly is Maggie offering her a new perspective. When Ellie had been certain she didn’t want a child, Maggie – without pushing or even persuading really – helped her open herself to other possibilities. And she’d been right.

She wonders if Maggie is remembering this too.

“Well.” Ellie finds herself blushing inexplicably. “I’d known without question that he was a wonderful father. But no…I didn’t quite know what to expect from him with a baby. With a baby at our age. And I don’t think I could have anticipated their obsession with one another,” she adds with a laugh. “I should’ve guessed it when he insisted on taking a few weeks of paternity leave. He was determined to bond with her as closely as I would. And he did it.”

Maggie hands Ellie her drink. “I must say it’s something of a joy, each time we’re at a party or event, and there’s Alec with Aila, in the corner, without fail. The two of them content as content can be. A lovely surprise for all of us who met him during the Latimer case.”

Ellie nods slowly. “Yes. And thank god for it, really. It does make it so much easier.”

“Make what easier?”

“You know, just knowing she’ll be all right. All the kids, but Fred and Aila in particular,” she replies. “Knowing that whatever happens to me, they’ll still have happy lives. They’ll be happy, ‘cause they’ll have him.”

Maggie is frowning as Ellie tries to hide herself by sipping her drink.

“What d’you mean, whatever happens to you?”

Ellie stiffens. “Just something people _say_ , Maggie.”

But Maggie doesn’t relent. “ _No_ , petal, it isn’t.”

Ellie stares into her glass. Maggie stares at her.

“El, I’ve known you since you wore mary janes,” she reminds her. “You’re tense, pale, not eating, overly sentimental…”

Before Ellie has a chance to actually decide to tell her, the words come tumbling out of her mouth. “I’ve got cancer. Ovarian cancer.”

Maggie’s jaw has hit the floor, her eyes wide.

“It’s all right, it’s fine, I’ll have surgery next week and then – it’s not the end of the world, but it _is_ on my mind, so there you have it,” Ellie announces, avoiding eye contact.

“Ellie, I…”

“No one knows but Alec and Lucy, so I’d appreciate if you could keep it quiet,” she continues and then, as an afterthought, “Obviously you can tell Jocelyn, I wouldn’t ask you to keep secrets from her, but if you could wait until later on…”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

Ellie throws back what remains of her cocktail as just Alec appears in the kitchen with her coat.

“Reckon we ought to get goin’,” he says, before clocking her expression.

His expression silently asks if she’s okay. She nods in response and lets him help her on with her coat.

“Right,” Maggie exhales. “Off we go then.”

*

Alec drives them to Beth’s. Jocelyn sits in the passenger seat, while the very tipsy Maggie and Ellie giggle in the backseat. Frankly, Alec couldn’t be happier about watching his wife have a good time.

*

At the party, Alec watches Ellie not eat. There’s food _everywhere_ , snacks and appetizers and sweets. On a normal evening, she’d be reaching for something to pop in her mouth every time she passed one. But not tonight. She has switched from gin to wine, responsibly, but otherwise her hands are empty.

He gives her as much space as he can. He knows she can only tolerate him shadowing her at parties for so long and he must plan in advance knowing how close he’ll want to stick to her at Hal and Jenny’s party tomorrow. Besides, she’s having fun. More fun, it seems, than at the office Christmas do last night. The alcohol helps.

He winds up, as he often does, in conversation with Paul Coates. He finds generally that Paul is the only one at these things with any depth. Or at least that possess any depth as _parties_ , as he is one of few who does not imbibe.

But he then observes that Ellie has been huddled together with Sam the Bartender for, in his opinion, far too long. He excuses himself from Paul, who watches with wry amusement as Alec makes a straight line for Sam and Ellie.

Approaching from behind her, he places a hand at the small of her back. She knows it’s him without needing to look.

“Ah, here he is,” she says. “You made it a record amount of time.” She turns to smirk at him.

“Promise I’m not out to steal your girl, Hardy,” Sam says, raising a beer to his lips. “What’s past is past.”

Alec clears his throat uncomfortably. “Just seein’ if she needs anythin’.”

Ellie raises her still half-full glass of wine. “Fine, thanks.”

Later, Beth drags her out to the back garden, just out of view of the back door. She brandishes a pack of cigarettes and they share one.

“Not a bad do, eh?” Beth asks, taking a puff.

“Quite lively actually,” Ellie answers. “Folks seem to be enjoyin’ themselves.”

Beth scrutinizes her for a moment, then hands her the cigarette. “D’you realize that you take on a bit of _him_ when you get a bit pissed?”

Ellie frowns. “What?”

“Get a bit Scottish ‘round the edges.”

She snorts through her nose. “Bit funny.”

“I swear one of these days you two are going to simply osmosis into each other and become a single person.”

Ellie hands the cigarette back. “Don’t think osmosis is a verb but science was never my thing.”

“If you ever get the same haircut I’ll kill you.”

“ _Good_.” She stares off for a moment then laughs suddenly. “We do often dress the same for bed.”

“Yeah, both in your Ebenezer Scrooge nightshirts?”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Just t-shirts and underwear. That sort of thing.”

“That can be forgiven I s’pose.”

“What, are you wearing sexy lingerie to bed every night with Peter?”

“Christ, no,” Beth replies with a scoff. “Sleep in the nude.”

Ellie stares at her. “Do you really?”

“ _No_. Partial to a proper pyjama set myself.” Beth hands the cigarette to her. “Look hot by the way. In a sexy powerful modern woman in charge sense,” she says. “Though I’m a bit offended you’ve forsaken the dress we found the other day.”

Ellie shrugs. “Didn’t feel right tonight.”

The sound of the sliding door opening startles them and they turn to see Alec closing it behind him. He’s holding Ellie’s coat.

“Oi, not leaving _yet_ ,” Ellie complains immediately.

“If you’re goin’ to be pissed and sneak fags out here in the freezin’ cold, you’ll bloody well wear a coat,” Alec grumbles at her.

Ellie sighs as he places the coat over her shoulders.

“You two are awfully predictable, you know that?” He continues. “Anytime there’s free-flowin’ alcohol, here you both are, sharin’ a fag.”

“One fag every few months won’t kill us,” Beth retorts.

“Uh huh.” Alec reaches out and snatches the cigarette out of Ellie’s hand, then brings it to his own lips and takes a puff.

“Don’t you dare!” She exclaims instantly, snatching it back.

“Oh, ‘s all right for you, but not for me?”

Ellie hands the cigarette to Beth, out of Alec’s reach. “Not with _your_ heart, no.”

Alec raises an eyebrow at her and she knows exactly what he’s not saying. She relents.

“All right, point taken.”

Ellie nods at Beth, who drops the almost finished cigarette on the ground and stamps it out with her foot. Alec leans over and kisses Ellie’s temple.

“Thank you.” Then he returns inside.

Both women are pouting.

“Twat,” Ellie grumbles.

*

An hour later, Alec begins hovering in her orbit. When she glances over and sees the look on his face, she knows he’s done for the night. She breaks away from Jim the chemist.

“We’ll go then,” she says to Alec quietly, a hand on his arm. “You go check on the kids and see about Maggie and Jocelyn since we’re their ride. By the time you’ve done that I’ll be ready.”

He nods obediently. As Ellie goes in search of Beth to make her excuses, she runs into Peter.

“All right, Ellie?”

“Mm, yes, splendid party,” she tells him. “Just looking for Beth. Alec and I are off.”

“Ah, so soon?”

Ellie shrugs. “We’re old.”

He chuckles. “Fair enough. Every time I find myself fading, I look over at the young people, raring to go, and force myself to rally.”

She smiles and nods. “It’s infuriating, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“How are you liking your new digs, by the way?” She asks.

“Ah, it’s all right,” Peter replies. “Happy to with Beth and Lizzie full-time, but it _can_ feel a bit…odd, if you get my meaning.”

Ellie nods. “I do. Alec and Daisy moved into our old house with us at the start. Made it nearly seven months before we bought a home of our own. Don’t think he enjoyed it much – living in the old house.”

“D’you think Beth would be consider moving?”

Ellie leans against the wall, thinking about it. “Dunno to be honest. It was a much easier decision for _me_ , as my memories in that house were pretty well tainted. Plus we had a baby on the way and the house could barely sustain the children we already had. But for Beth…this house holds _good_ memories for her, it holds Danny’s memory. Then again she may feel it’s time to move forward a bit, find a place that feels separate from Mark. So I don’t rightly know.”

Peter looks down. “Right.”

She pats his arm encouragingly. “You should speak to her about it though. Can’t hurt to have the conversation. Just prepare yourself for disappointment first.”

“Yeah.” He nods. “Thanks.”

She smiles. “’Course.”

*

Alec and Ellie drop Maggie and Jocelyn off on their way home. Both are quite relieved to call it a night.

When they pull into their own driveway, Ellie quietly marvels at their festively decorated home, the fairy lights Alec once again took the time to hang about the house. It is a truly lovely sight to return to.

Inside, Erin is halfway through _Love Actually_. The rest of the house is quiet. Alec takes Ellie’s coat and hangs up his own as well.

“Oh, I love this bit.” Ellie grins at the telly before Erin switches it off and goes to her. “How were our little monsters?”

“No trouble,” Erin tells them. “Aila was a bit cranky about bedtime but she was fine once she had her bottle. Fred was very nearly incorrigible after Aila went down.”

Ellie chuckles quietly. “Yes, he becomes rather excited when he gets one-on-one time with people. He still hasn’t quite adjusted to sharing attention with his baby sister.”

“But he was good fun. Went to bed without any issue,” Erin adds.

“Good.”

“I love this time of year, usin’ Santa as a threat,” Alec says.

“Works like a charm,” Ellie agrees.

They thank Erin for her valiant service, then Alec hands her several bills and sends her on her way. Ellie insists she text when she gets home. Once the front door has closed, Alec has his arms around her from behind, pulling her back into his embrace.

“Hello,” Ellie reacts with a laugh.

His lips move from her hair to her temple, finally landing behind her ear, where he sucks her skin gently. “Mm.”

“Fancy a shag then, do you?”

His hands begin to roam her body insistently. A little growl escapes him. Relaxing back into him, Ellie closes her eyes, reaching one hand back to dive into his hair. It’s only now she realizes it’s been a full week since they’ve been properly intimate. Neither has complained, though Alec at least has certainly been aware of it, given the circumstances that have plagued them. But she can feel the desperation in his body language, his urgent need for her is emanating from him.

“…Are you up for it?” He asks softly, and her heart aches a little.

In response, she takes one of his hands and guides it downward, moving it between her legs. She can immediately feel his cock twitch at the contact.

“Oh thank god,” he breathes out. She chuckles. He begins to rub gently between her legs, then with his other hand, he removes her belt and unbuttons her trousers. Her belly is soft and warm at the hand slides over it. He keeps one hand between her legs and one resting just beneath her belly button, skin to skin. “Ellie.”

“Mm.” She loves hearing her name like that. Saturated with desire. “Upstairs.”

He merely groans in response, not keen at all on moving a muscle.

“You go get us some water,” she says. “I’ll check on the little ones and meet you in the bedroom.”

Alec reluctantly consents. Ellie steps out of her shoes and carries them in her hands as she heads upstairs.

Fred is asleep with an open picture book in his lap, a shining torch loosely held by his hand. Ellie smiles. She goes to him and carefully switches the torch off, then places it on his nightstand. She gently brushes back his hair and kisses his forehead.

In the nursery, Aila is passed out hard in her crib. Her pacifier has fallen out of her open mouth and she’s holding onto her own ear. Alec appears in the doorway holding two glasses of water. She waves him in, then tugs on her own ear and gestures at Aila.

“That’s new,” he whispers.

“I know,” Ellie marvels, a hand on her heart.

Then she follows him out of the room, quietly closing the door behind her.

“Tom used to do that,” she says as they walk toward their bedroom. “The ear thing.”

He hands her her glass of water. She chugs nearly the entire thing in the time it takes for him to close their bedroom door, lock it, and turn on the sound machine in the corner.

“You told Tom and Daiz home by midnight, right?” Ellie asks.

He nods. He takes a sip from his glass, then places it down on top of her bureau.

“You’ll leave a ring,” she warns him.

He reaches for her, reeling her in. “Don’t care.” He lifts her top over her head and she pliably lets him. Then his lips are on her neck. Her collarbone. Her chest. He pushes down her already unbuttoned trousers.

“Making quick work of it,” Ellie observes with amusement as she steps out of her trousers and kicks them out of the way.

He lifts his jumper over his head and tosses it away, then immediately starts unbuttoning the Oxford underneath.

“My gorgeous wife,” he says, eyes scanning her up and down as her skin flushes pink.

“Your exhausted, shrinking, rotting away wife.” She scratches her head and looks away.

Alec frowns deeply. “Ellie. You’ve had a cancer diagnosis for one week. You’re not _rottin’ away_.”

“Feels like it.”

“Then it’s in your head,” he tells her. “’Cause that’s not what I see.” He shrugs off his shirt and reaches for her again, pulling her hips flush against him. “How many people told you how lovely you looked tonight?”

Ellie looks down, then leans forward and rests her forehead on his chest.

“That’s what I thought.” He slides both hands into her knickers and cups her arse. Then gives it a squeeze. “Look at me, love.” She does. He kisses her softly at first, then more ardently, his tongue breaching her lips.

Ellie moans in response, snaking her arms up around his neck and pushing herself up on her tiptoes to meet him more easily. He can’t remember the last time they had a truly good snog. He’s certain it can’t have been long ago, but still he feels relief flooding his entire body as he kisses her. He focuses on devouring her for a few moments before guiding her backwards toward the foot of their bed. He slides his hand back around to her hips and sits her down.

“Could I be this attracted to someone who is _rottin’ away_?” He asks, glancing down at his hardness straining painfully against his trousers.

Ellie bites her lip and smiles, taking in the sight. He yanks down his trousers and kicks them away, then lowers himself to his knees. With a grateful sigh, he parts her legs and moves between them, kissing her thighs.

“Gonna make you come,” he murmurs into her skin. “I promise you.”

She runs a hand through his hair, looking down at him. “Why d’you say it like _that_?”

He doesn’t look at her. Keeps his lips brushing against her skin. “Last time – “

“Oh, heaven’s sake,” Ellie exhales. She had entirely forgotten last time. “Babe, that was once. I was under enormous stress. Had not one thing to do with you.”

He’s happy to hear it, but it doesn’t quell his determination any. “Still.” He plants kisses along the inside of her thigh.

“You’ve made me come, what, _millions_ of times?” Ellie reminds him with a soft chuckle. “You are in no way lacking in _skill_ , Alec Hardy. _Or_ stamina.”

He laps at the crease of her thigh. “ _Still_ ,” he mutters again. Then he tugs at her knickers until she raises her hips and he can peel them off her. “Lie back.”

He places his palm at her stomach and gently guides her back. He arranges her to his liking, draping his legs over his shoulders.

“You needn’t _prove_ anything to me, you know,” Ellie adds, laying her head down obediently.

“Quiet now,” he insists in a low growl.

Alec starts off slow, teasing, exploring nooks of her he already knows so well. She squirms a bit at first, but then relaxes with a long swipe of his tongue, surrendering. He keeps a hand on her pelvic bone to keep her steady as his tongue dives deep inside her without warning. She cries out and he hears her quickly quiet herself. It’s time to take her away again, he thinks, to a kid-free location where they can both let loose completely.

He starts to suck on her clit and her hand finds its way to his hair, grasping and pulling at it as she struggles to keep from writhing.

“ _Alec_ ,” she whimpers.

“Shhh,” he pleads, blowing on her clit until he feels a thrill run up her spine. Then he continues his efforts.

She’s pursing her lips to quiet her moans, to keep from gasping too loudly. The very _last_ thing they need at the moment is a rudely awakened baby.

“’s all right, love,” he whispers. “All the sound machines are on.”

She nods, whimpering, holding his head in place with her hand. Her other hand slips into her bra cup and plays with her own nipple. When Alec glances up to look at her briefly, he unconsciously starts rubbing his cock against the floor. He knows she’s getting close when her gasps start to quicken, rising in pitch, and her nails are pressing hard into his scalp.

“ _Please_ ,” she begs him.

He grins before slipping a finger inside her. He can tell she’s only going to need one. She pounds her fist on the mattress, shaking her head from side to side. He feels suddenly _euphoric_ , thrilled to be giving her such pleasure particularly at a time when things are so difficult for her, when she’s been feeling so poorly.

“Alec,” she whimpers again, desperate and needy.

He can feel she’s ready so he flicks her clit several times in a row with his tongue then sucks on it relentlessly until she’s crying out, arching her back, squeezing his head between her thighs. He keeps it up until she flops back down on the mattress and her legs go limp, gasping turning into panting. He continues to softly kiss the inside of her thighs as she comes down, feeling endlessly pleased with himself on oh so many levels. When he backs away, he’s stroking himself through his briefs, his anticipation only growing. He stands, carefully extricating himself from his briefs, then crawls onto the bed beside her. Her eyes are closed, her chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm.

“Good?” He asks with a cocky grin.

She doesn’t reply. He turns to her, arm draping across her ribs, and kisses her shoulder. It’s then he notices that the subtle shift in her breathing, the limpness of her limbs.

She’s asleep.

He lets out a deep sigh, then lies back again. “Bugger.” He lies there for a few moments in disbelief, then accepts his fate. He presses a kiss to her arm then hops out of bed and into the loo. He has himself a most excellent wank in the shower, mourning being inside her but using the memory of her whimpers and moans to get him off well and good.

Back in the bedroom, she has unconsciously crawled up the bed to rest on her pillow, lying peacefully on her side. He starts to pull his pyjamas out of a drawer but stops himself. Inside, he goes to the bed, stark naked, and moves beside her. Careful so as not to wake her, he slowly and gently removes her bra, already noting the slightly red indents it’s caused in her skin. Then he reaches for the throw blanket next to the bed and arranges it over them, since there’s no hope of getting her under the duvet now. With a kiss to her shoulder he molds his body to hers from behind. He’s happy just to have the intimacy of full skin to skin contact, even if he’s been deprived of making proper love to her as he’d hoped to do. He holds her tightly, the warmth of his body doing more than the blanket could ever do.

“Love you,” he whispers before kissing her cheek.

To his surprise, even in her deep slumber, she drowsily replies _love you_ right back.

***


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY. So sorry this took forever. Only one month after Christmas! *facepalm*

**DECEMBER 23 rd**

Ellie gives him a backhanded slap immediately upon waking, as she turns onto her back. She jolts at the contact, then turns her head. She has rolled back into him, now they’re both on their backs, squirming and yawning simultaneously. As she now turns to face him, she strokes his cheek with the back of her hand this time.

“Sorry, love.”

“Mm, mornin’,” he replies groggily.

She smiles at the sight of him bare-chested before realizing he’s entirely naked. And she’s entirely naked. And then it all comes flooding back to her.

“Oh god, oh no.” She covers her face with her hand. “I fell asleep. I’m so sorry.”

He chuckles, rubbing a bit of crust from his eye. “Don’t apologize.”

“ _Yes_ apologize,” Ellie insists stubbornly. “It’s rightfully frowned upon to receive pleasure and then conk out before returning it.”

“’m not keepin’ score, love.”

“I know.” She sighs. “But it’s rude. I’m sorry. I know it’s been a while.”

He smiles. He loves that in their relationship, a week is a while and he loves that she’s right there with him. He’s not a nagging, insatiable husband always angling for a shag and she’s not an evasive, distracted wife constantly faking a headache.

“You’re all right.” He traces her nose with his index finger. “Tonight is another night.”

“And this morning is another morning…”

She smiles slyly, reaching for him, but before he can be pulled in, there’s a familiar chattering on the baby monitor.

“Yes, apparently the baby thinks so too,” Alec tells her with a smirk.

“I’ll make it up to you.” She gives him a brief kiss before crawling out of bed and going for her dressing gown. “I promise.”

*

Alec has absolutely zero interest in sledding. But he is the only one in his family who is of this opinion.

At the top of the same hill where Ellie went sledding as a child, the Hardy family is gathered amongst innumerable other families, bundled up, with thermoses of hot cocoa.

“I wanna go with Daddy,” Fred announces.

Daisy snorts immediately at the thought of it.

“Think Daddy might be more of a spectator today, Freddie…” Ellie trails off, glancing over at her husband.

“I’ll go down with you,” Daisy offers.

“Daddy first,” Fred insists. “To make sure it’s safe.”

Alec is holding Aila, taking in the expressions of each family member, and suddenly feels he’s been challenged.

Then he looks at Ellie uncertainly. “…Have to climb all the way back up after?”

She grins. “Yup.”

He sighs heavily. “ _Fine then_.”

“YAY!” Fred dances around in the snow.

Ellie grin grows wider. With a grimace, Alec hands the baby to her.

“Isn’t Daddy _brave_ , Aila,” Ellie says happily.

“C’mon, lad.” Alec grabs the sled and sets it up.

Tom, Daisy, Ellie, and even the baby are watching expectantly, with mild terror, as Alec and Fred settle themselves together on the sled, Fred between his father’s legs.

“Ready?”

“Yes, SIR!” Fred exclaims.

“Bah-buh!” Aila calls out, waving at them. Ellie snorts.

“Uh.” Alec looks around, unsure how to get them moving.

“On it.” Tom steps forward. “No turnin’ back now.”

He gives them a push and down the hill they go, Fred shrieking gleefully all the way. Aila’s happy face all at once turns to one of pure horror and confusion. She watches them all the way to the bottom, then looks up at Ellie with a frown, her wide eyes demanding answers.

“Aww.” Ellie bounces her a bit and kisses her hat-covered head. “It’s all right, bug, they’ll be back.”

“A- _da_ -da,” Aila says earnestly.

“Daddy’s going to be very grumpy once he’s climbed back up this hill,” she says. “You’ve been warned.”

As Fred and Alec hike back up, Daisy and Tom take their own sleds and set forth on a race. By the time they make it to the bottom, it is truly unclear who the victor is. When the boys return, Alec disgruntled and out of breath, Ellie quickly grabs the sled from him in exchange for the baby.

“Mumma, I wanna go too!” Fred says.

“No way,” Ellie replies. “Mumma gets her own sled this time.”

And without any further discussion, she sets off down the hill.

“That’s not fair,” Fred complains to his father.

“’Course it is,” Alec replies. “You can go on your own next time.”

Fred looks down at his boots. “Don’t like going on my own.”

“How come?” He asks. “You’re big enough.”

“It’s scary.” Fred shakes some snow off his trousers. “I got snow in my jacket once.”

Alec cringes. “Yeah, that _is_ miserable, isn’t it.”

“And in my socks once too!”

“Nothin’ at all worse than that.”

Fred nods. “I know.”

When Ellie returns, Alec decides to go down with Aila.

“You don’t think she’ll be too frightened, do you?” He asks Ellie.

“Nah, our girl? Not a chance.”

And sure enough, held tightly by her father, Aila shrieks gleefully just like her brother as they speed down the hill. When they reach the bottom, her expression is one of total shock, like she has absolutely no idea what’s just happened to her. Then she grumpily begins rubbing her eyes with mitten-clad hands, having been sprayed with snow on the way down.

“I know the feelin’,” Alec grumbles to her as they turn and start the trek back up.

“No no,” Aila says.

“No no, snow,” he agrees.

*

As a special treat, they stop by the chippie for lunch on their way home to pick up some takeaway. The entire family eats in the kitchen, a rare meal all together, and Alec is struck by how truly happy he feels. All the people he cares about most in the world, here in one room, eating disgusting fried foods. Fried foods which, it’s worth noting, have put a massive smile on his ailing wife’s face.

Aila keeps trying to smash a chip into his mouth. He cannot resist her. It makes Ellie smile wider.

*

Alec prepares a healthy iteration of chicken pot pie for supper instead of letting Ellie order pizza. They haven’t time to eat together, as Alec and Ellie have to get themselves ready for Hal and Jenny’s Christmas party, but he insists that after today’s fried lunch, the kids eat something proper.

While the kids eat downstairs, Ellie changes into the purple midi dress she bought on her shopping excursion with Beth. She primps herself perhaps a bit too much for Alec’s liking, considering they’re off to Hal’s.

He sits on the edge of the bed in slacks and a jumper.

“We’ll not stay long, will we?”

She barely acknowledges this. “As long as we feel like.”

“Or don’t feel like.”

“Alec.” She looks at him via the full-length mirror, which she is using to fix her hair. “If it’s a nice do and we’re enjoying ourselves, great. If we’re not, we’ll politely make our excuses after a respectable amount of time and leave. This is not rocket science.”

He wrings his hands together in his lap grumpily. “If it’s a nice do and _you’re_ enjoyin’ yourself.”

“Yes, you never enjoy yourself, you’re incapable of having a good time, utterly miserable and stiff and oh so boring.” She glares at him through the mirror. “If that’s who you want to be…”

“Not who I _want_ to be.”

“Then quit insisting upon it, will you?” She replies. “You decide to be miserable before you’ve given things a chance. Wait and see.”

He grumbles something unintelligible and she whirls around to face him. “I _love_ you and I respect that these sorts of gatherings are not your preferred activity, but you knew when you married me that this was part of the deal. I _do_ like parties, I care about my relationships here and my standing in the community. It’s not as if I drag you to annoying social events every weekend of the year.”

Much as he hears her words, he’s quite distracted by the exposed milky skin of her chest, her shoulders, her neck, her arms.

“Uhm.”

“It’s _Christmas_ ,” she concludes. “This is what people _do_.”

He clears his throat. “Right.”

She blinks at him. “What.” She narrows her eyes. “You’re thinking about dragging me to bed, aren’t you.”

His gaze abruptly meets hers. “What? No. ‘Course not, would never.” Then he smirks.

She shakes her head, though her smile betrays her. “Wanker.”

*

He insists she wear a cardigan to the party. She indulges. Mostly because she _is_ a bit cold.

Hal and Jenny’s house is extraordinarily crowded for a couple who, all things considered, have not lived in this town for very long. Nonetheless, Ellie seems to know almost everyone. Alec finds this somewhat terrifying.

His main goal for the evening is keeping her away from Hal.

It’s petty. He knows it is. And unnecessary, of course. Ellie and Hal have worked together every day since The Incident and there’s been nothing to report. But in a social setting, Alec will be damned if Hal gets the pleasure of enjoying her.

Tonight Ellie is eating. She’s snacking and nibbling and accepting anything offered to her. He finds her speaking to Jenny in the middle of the living room. She pops a bacon-wrapped date into her mouth. He approaches from the side and kisses her on the cheek, purely out of his joy at watching her eat.

“Hello,” she greets him with a smile. “Five minutes without me and here you are.” But she’s happy to see him, it’s clear, and she takes his arm. Then she looks at Jenny. “I’ve spruced him up nicely tonight, haven’t I?”

“Oh yes. Quite sporting,” Jenny agrees, sipping her vodka.

Ellie brushes a fleck of something off his jumper. “I make him wear clothes that actually _fit_ him.”

“A novel concept.”

“Yes.” Ellie smiles up at him and he can’t help smiling back. “He used to be all wrinkled and mismatched. Handsome and refined now.”

“Yeah, thank god she found me,” Alec quips with a roll of the eyes.

“Just in time, I’m sure,” Jenny adds. “Meanwhile _you’re_ the one turning heads, El.”

Ellie immediately goes red and winces. “Oh don’t flatter me, I can’t take it.” She turns her face into Alec’s chest.

Alec looks around the room. She’d better _not_ be turning heads.

“Happy you two came,” Jenny says, changing the subject. “Thought you might be no-shows.”

Ellie nods. “Well, we’ve got Tom and Daiz babysitting tonight, so we couldn’t very well say the babysitter canceled.”

Jenny snorts. “And how much of a fuss do they put up about _that_?”

“Some,” Alec tells her. “But not as much as you’d think. They get on, so they don’t mind babysitting so much if they do it together.”

“Do they get paid?”

“They get a roof over their heads, three squares a day, and university tuition,” Alec grumbles back.

Ellie leans forward and lightly touches Jenny’s arm. “I’m afraid we’ll not stay too late though. So much to do tomorrow.”

“Ah, yes,” Jenny replies coolly. “Christmas with children is that much more complicated, isn’t it?”

“Certainly keeps us busy,” Ellie replies. “We went sledding this afternoon, it’s a wonder we’re still standing.”

“Bloody _exhausted_ ,” Alec emphasizes. “Need a holiday to recover from the holidays.”

Jenny smiles. “Truth be told this is perhaps the one time a year I regret not having children. The _magic_ of all really starts to fade as an adult, don’t you find? The thrill of Christmas has left me. It’s children that keep it alive.”

Alec knows this to be true. Ellie has spent Christmas Day with her child(ren) every year for sixteen years. Alec has had enough solo Christmases to understand the sentiment on a deep level.

“You’re very lucky,” Jenny continues. “To have those little ones especially. Fred’ll believe a few more years. And next year Aila will at last know who Father Christmas _is_ and you can start all over again.”

Alec and Ellie smile at each other. He keeps a hand at her back and squeezes her hip.

“We _are_ very lucky,” Ellie agrees genuinely.

Jenny smirks before taking a sip of her drink. “Now I understand why you wanted to go on and get knocked up again in your forties.”

Ellie chuckles. “Yes, that was it.”

There’s a brief silence before Alec glances at Ellie’s glass, then Jenny’s. “I’ll get you both another, eh?”

“A prince!” Jenny exclaims dramatically.

Alec takes their empty glasses, then kisses Ellie’s temple before disappearing.

“Thanks, love,” she calls after him.

“Hasn’t _he_ become Mr. Domestic,” Jenny observes wryly. “I realize I’ve known you both less than two years but even in that time…”

“I know,” Ellie replies warmly. “He’s taken on the role with such ease, I’d never have guessed it. My grumpy, surly, utterly impossible twat of a boss has become the most unbelievably thoughtful, loving, prize husband.” Then she laughs to herself. “He’s still a grumpy, surly, impossible twat, mind you. But now he’s _all_ those things.”

“And somehow he’s not aged a day,” Jenny adds, her gaze finding him at the bar all the way across the room. “Still fills out a pair of trousers quite nicely.”

Ellie blushes but quickly laughs it off. “I think the little ones are responsible for that, honestly. They keep him young. He’s not got _time_ to get old.” Then she leans forward conspiratorially. “Between us I found a gray hair the other day. Okay, two gray hairs. He has no idea.”

“You _know_ he’ll be a very distinguished gray,” Jenny points out.

“Yes,” Ellie says with a sigh. “I hate that about men.”

*

A bit later in the evening, Ellie is on the sofa chatting with Elaine Jenkinson and a few of the uniform from work. _Out_ of uniform for once.

“Think they’ve zeroed in on a few possible replacements,” Jenkinson is saying as Alec approaches.

He sits on the arm of the sofa beside Ellie. She doesn’t divert her attention from Jenkinson, but she does squeeze his thigh.

“They’ve shared a few resumes with me just out of interest and there doesn’t seem to be a rough one in the bunch.”

“Men? Women?” Ellie asks eagerly. “What I’d give for a non-binary boss.”

“Two men, one woman,” she replies. “There’s one you may know actually.”

Ellie frowns. But before she can inquire further, Alec is not so subtlety rubbing her back, his steadfast gaze begging her to look at him.

“El.”

Finally she does.

“Can we, um…”

“Yes,” she replies quickly, nodding. “Sorry.” Then she returns her attention to the others as she stands. “So sorry, we’ve got the older ones babysitting tonight and we ought to free them.”

They say their goodbyes to the hosts. Alec notes with great triumph that they’ve barely had to speak to Hal all evening, though he does not share this with Ellie.

In the car, as they set off, Ellie turns to him and says, with sudden urgency, “I’ll give you a million quid if you run us by the McDonald’s near Bournemouth.”

Alec frowns, keeping his eyes on the road. “A million quid, huh.”

“How ‘bout a good shag.”

His brain nearly short circuits at the thought.

“I could _kill_ for a mayo chicken and Galaxy McFlurry right now,” Ellie tells him.

“Ma’am, I am the police, I’ll have you know.”

“ _Please_.” She looks at him with wide doe eyes.

“You’re that hungry, eh?” This pleases him and he can hardly conceal it.

“Ravenous somehow.”

He switches on his turn signal. “As you wish, Mrs. Hardy.”

*

Two weeks ago, he’d have balked at the idea of taking her to a sodding McDonald’s late at night, or at all, but tonight he’s happy to feed her just about anything.

She scarfs down the chips in the car on the way home. When they make it inside, she’s carrying the McDonald’s sack.

Daisy and Tom are playing video games in the living room. Daisy pauses the game and they both gawk at the McDonald’s bag

“What!” Tom complains. “You let her get McDonald’s?!” He accuses Alec.

Ellie rolls her eyes. She opens the bag and tosses something at Daisy and something at Tom.

“Got _you_ a Big Tasty with Bacon,” she says to Tom. “And _you_ a Sweet Chili One.”

Tom’s face breaks into a grin, one that quickly disappears. “No chips?”

“Ate them all in the car. Deal with it.” She heads off into the kitchen without another word.

Alec shakes his head, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He watches the teenagers tuck in.

“How were your brother and sister?” He asks.

“Fine,” Tom replies, mouth full. “Fred was a bit of a pest.”

“He was all right,” Daisy insists. “Just hyped up about Christmas.”

Alec nods. “Baby go down okay?”

“She fell asleep on me down here,” Tom replies. Alec struggles to keep from reacting visibly to this image. “So she went down easy but she hasn’t got her sleep sack on her or anything.”

“We just transferred her to the crib,” Daisy explains.

Alec nods and scratches his head. This is likely to mean she’ll wake up hungry in the night, especially with no sleep sack to quell her thrashing limbs.

“Right,” he says. “Thanks for mindin’ them.”

Ellie has already finished her McFlurry when he meets her in the kitchen. He catches her with the final mouthful. After she swallows, she smiles sheepishly. He gets them both a glass of water then sits next to her at the table.

“This is _so good_.” She takes a sip of her water. “I cannot _believe_ you made it through a McDonald’s drive-through without ordering anything for yourself.”

He shrugs. “Doesn’t interest me.”

“Baffling man.” She unwraps her mayo chicken and takes a big bite. “ _Incredible_.”

“Happy to see you enjoyin’ yourself.”

He reaches out to stroke her leg before guiding it into his lap so he can massage her foot.

“I’ll brush my teeth before we – “ She takes another bite. “You know.” She chews. “If you still want to.”

“You’re askin’ if I want to _shag_ you?” He runs a hand up her calf. “Really, El.”

“Just in case I’m less attractive with greasy food in my mouth.”

His hand travels farther up her leg, past the hem of her dress. “Fat chance.”

There are footsteps heard from the hallway, then Tom’s voice. “We’re craving banana milkshakes now so we’re gonna – “

Tom and Daisy appear in the kitchen doorway. The sight before them, Ellie stuffing her face while Alec feels her up, is more upsetting to them than it is funny. They both frown deeply.

“…nip out for a bit.”

“Don’t be too late,” Ellie replies, nonchalantly.

Tom and Daisy immediately turn away and return from whence they came.

“ _Whyyyyy_ ,” they hear Daisy whine.

Ellie polishes off her chicken sandwich and licks her fingers. “I’m so sad it’s over.”

“What?”

“My food.”

He redirects his hand to her inner thigh. “Won’t be sad for long…”

Ellie grins, wiping her hands on a napkin. “Let’s go.”

*

He doesn’t care about the salt. The grease. For her, it’s the taste of happiness that remains on her lips, and he receives it as such. He could kiss her and kiss her and kiss her until her lips are purple and she pushes him away. Her hands are roaming, sliding under his jumper, untucking the shirt underneath. The feel of her fingertips trailing across his abdomen, his chest, they light him up. Finally she pulls both garments over his head, struggling a bit but managing admirably. She throws her arms around his neck and pulls his body against hers. He’s panting, refusing to stop kissing her, and his hands sneak up underneath her dress and grasp the back of her thighs.

She sighs with pleasure and he feels like he’s ascended. He brings one hand to her neck, embracing it as his lips attach themselves to the other side. She tilts her head, held in place by him, and moans as her breasts rub against his chest.

“Christ,” he mutters, barely audible.

“Take it off,” she whispers back.

After a brief search, he finds her zipper and pulls it down, urgent but gentle. She pulls the straps down around her arms as he tugs the dress down from the bottom.

There underneath is the red lace set he literally sees in his dreams at night. His lips curve into a wry smile.

“ _Naughty_ ,” he growls. “You’ve had this on all night?”

“Well I didn’t swap out my underwear in the loo halfway through the bloody party,” she retorts.

Despite her sarcasm, this image is impossibly sexy to him. It lends itself to the idea of her carrying underthings in her purse all night. He makes a mental note to request that at the next party. Then he just might enjoy himself for once.

She crawls backward onto the bed of her own volition, giving him a chance to enjoy her in all her glory for as long as he can restrain himself. Which isn’t very long.

He quickly divests himself of his trousers then throws himself on top of her. He’ll thrilled for the chance now to _show her_ how he’s been feeling for the last two weeks. All the things he’s been feeling for her, about her, because of her. He needs to prove them with action. He needs to prove them with touch.

Settled between her legs, he buries his face in her neck, licking and sucking, as one hand goes to her breast and kneads it. Ellie runs her hands up and down his back, humming happily, reveling in the feeling of his cock getting harder and harder. She meets every grind of his hips, every undulation of his body.

Then he lifts his head to see her face. “Is this okay?”

She smiles sympathetically and touches his cheek. “Babe. You don’t need to ask me that when we’ve made it this far,” she tells him softly. “I’m not a china doll. I’m not going to break.”

“I know, but – “

“Frankly I _demand_ you make love to me.”

This inspires a low growl from him, the words hitting him right in his cock. His lips attack hers, his tongue plunges its way into her mouth hungrily. She gives back as good as she’s getting and all the while reaches underneath her to unsnap the clasp of her bra. When he feels it, he pushes himself back a bit to pull it off her then forgoes any preamble whatsoever before taking a breast in his mouth with a grateful moan.

“God, I love you,” he mumbles breathlessly. “God I love your tits.”

Ellie laughs out loud, arching her back.

“Never loved any part of anybody half as much as I love your tits.”

Ellie covers her face with her hands as she continues laughing, her cheeks blushing madly. He moves to give attention to her other breast. His cock is rubbing between her legs relentlessly to the point where desperate tears are filling her eyes - though perhaps partially from all the joyous laughter. She reaches down to peel off her knickers. But he keeps rubbing into her without making any move to remove his. He’s too distracted.

“Alec.”

He sucks on her nipple until her milk lets down then earnestly looks up at her. “Okay?”

“Go on then.”

He doesn’t know why he needs this. Has no idea why his body is so eager to taste her this way. He’d never had anything like this before, no kind of _lactation kink_ to speak of, never gave any thought to it. Not until she had the baby. Not until it took him by surprise one night. He’d had half a mind to discuss it with his therapist if he didn’t find such talk to be so mortifying.

But it doesn’t matter. All he ever wants is to be as close to her as physically possible and this is simply one more way of doing that. And _she_ seems be to perfectly fine with it. Perhaps even enjoys it.

He can taste the gin. He pauses to lick her nipple for good measure then moves back to the other breast, sucking with the same rhythm as his cock is grinding between her legs. She’s letting out quiet little moans of approval and pure need, her fingers running through his hair.

“Oh I love you,” she whispers. And then: “Please.”

He knows what she needs. He can feel how wet she is. But he can’t pull himself away. Not until she says, “Bit sore now.” Then he obediently lifts his head to nod then begins kissing her chest.

“Briefs off,” she requests directly.

They’re nearly soaked through anyway. He lurches back, then pulls them off, kicking them away clumsily then moving back on top of her.

He melds his body to hers, then kisses her cheek and says, “Tell me what you want.”

She shakes her head. “It’s _your_ turn.”

He’s not going to fight her. With a nod, he hooks an arm underneath her leg at her knee, then pushes inside her. She lets out a cry of relief and he gasps hoarsely.

“Yeah,” she exhales, nodding needlessly.

He kisses her sloppily as he begins a slow thrusting pace inside.

“You’re so beautiful,” he says with great earnestness. “You’re so – “ He pushes in deeper and groans in place of finishing the compliment. A compliment in itself.

She takes his face in both hands and smiles. “This won’t go away,” she tells him, in a voice soft but assured. “There may be --- lulls. But this isn’t going away, I promise. We’re not going anywhere.”

He has to close his eyes, if he looks at her expression any longer he’ll start to weep. He kisses her instead, kisses her hard.

“I always want you,” she whispers, though it’s beginning to border on a whimper.

Alec buries his face in her neck once more, focusing on the movement of his hips to keep his emotions at bay. But she can feel his hot tears on her skin. She grips the hair at the back of his neck. He loses himself inside her for a while, banishing away all thoughts besides how she _feels_ , how _he_ feels inside her. A few thoughts begin to creep in – how lucky he is. How wild and beautiful it is, the way they found each other. How extraordinary to have gained a true _partner_ in every sense for the first and only time in his life.

But she can feel him thinking, can feel the wheels turning. She knows it’s her fault.

“Love.” She nudges him a bit, then initiates carefully flipping them over so that she’s on top. Placing both palms on his chest – one over his scar – she rides him, arching her back, eyes closed. He watches her this time. Watches beads of sweat drip down her body. Her hair fall over her face. She briefly runs a hand through and tosses it back again. Then she’s biting her lip, soft whimpers escaping her. He reaches his hands out for her breasts and she leans into them.

He comes faster than he expected, taking both of them by surprise, gasping for air and pinching her nipples.

“Fuck, Ellie.”

When he realizes she hasn’t come and doesn’t quite seem to be approaching it, he pulls her down to him then rolls them back on, pulling out of her. His body still covers hers as he brings a hand between her legs, kissing her languidly as he gets her off. There’s something majestic about her orgasm when it happens, she seems totally euphoric, crying out without filter. He moves off of her only when he’s certain she’s through. He lies at her side, still stroking the inside of her thighs reverently.

She’s grinning. So he is too. Then she kisses him fiercely and falls back on the bed, staring up. He presses a quick kiss to her chest, then shifts onto his back as well to recover.

“Didn’t know how much I needed that,” she confesses.

He scoffs. “ _I_ did.”

“I know, love.” She reaches an arm out and strokes his chest with the back of her hand. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s bloody _incredible_ when you go down on me, but when it’s like _this_ , together…”

He grasps her hand and brings it to his lips. “Mm-hmm.”

She turns her head to him, smiling brightly. “We’ve done it approximately thousands of times and yet it’s still worth commenting on.”

“Bloody well right,” Alec replies smugly.

She rolls onto her side and kisses him softly, then starts playing with his chest hair. He is quite pleased with this. He feels incredible for the first time in weeks.

“I love you,” Ellie says, giving his beard a scratch. “Very, very much.”

He smiles back. “Good, ‘cause I love your tits very, very much.”

She pinches his nipple hard.

“ _Ow_.”

“Wanker.” Then she lays her head on his shoulder. “I’m knackered.”

“Well, you worked hard.”

She tilts her head up to kiss his cheek. “The next two days are going to be whirlwind.”

He nods thoughtfully. “Nice, though, what Jenny said tonight. She’s right, you know.”

“Mm, yes.” Her fingertips travel up and down his body aimlessly. “We _are_ extremely lucky to have Christmas with these kids of ours.”

“Fred’s obsession with Santa,” he agrees. “Aila’s face when she sees all the fairy lights. The way Tom becomes a kid again in the snow.”

“And Daisy, taking everything in stride, genuinely happy to be home for Christmas, I think,” Ellie adds. “I think she really – please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think she really, truly values having a big family Christmas.”

“Oh, yeah. Been that way since our first Christmas all together, she loves it,” Alec replies. “There’s a reason she chose Christmas with us over her mother even though it meant spendin’ less time with us overall. It means somethin’ to her.”

She snuggles against him. “Gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling to think about it.”

He kisses the top of her head. “So it ought.”

Then she props herself up suddenly. “I’m gonna have a wee then a shower, I think. Won’t be much time in the morning.”

He frowns a bit. “What’s first on the docket?”

“A FaceTime breakfast with the Scottish contingent.”

Alec stares at her. “You’re jokin’.”

“No, we agreed to it ages ago.”

“We’re just goin’ to…point our mobiles at ourselves while we eat?”

She laughs a bit ruefully. “Yep. I’ll be on with Greer, you’ll be on with Megan, Daisy with Melody probably, and so on.”

“Is that not a bit chaotic?”

“Oh it’s _absolutely_ chaotic,” she replies, crawling over him and off the bed. “But we’re going to do it anyway.”

*

**DECEMBER 24 th**

_Chaotic_ turns out to be an understatement. Their remote family breakfast is quite “bananas,” as Fred deems it. Mobiles everywhere, people constantly speaking over one another, consistent complaints about volume. Fred whines that there’s “too much _chewing_.” Aila refuses to sit in her highchair and will only settle in Alec’s lap, which leaves him less functional. Eventually the screens and the noise overstimulate her and she becomes cranky, turning into her father and hiding her face in his neck for the remainder of the meal. He relates to the feeling on a deep level.

“She’s your daughter right enough,” Ellie quips, out of earshot of the mobiles.

But when it’s over, the family – the local family – tidies up together in the kitchen with Christmas music on the radio. Alec and Ellie can find little to complain about when they’re all together like this.

In the early afternoon, Tom helps Alec make mince pies while Fred, Daisy, and Ellie work on crafting the Christmas crackers in the dining room. Aila is swapped back and forth from the kitchen to the dining room when she gets in the way.

Once Aila is put down for her nap, Ellie pulls out the shoeboxes for donations and they spend the next hour or so filling them up, as is tradition. This is Fred’s least favourite part, but they are vigilant with him, determined to improve his sharing skills.

Then, out of nowhere, he asks if they can get a puppy.

Alec and Ellie both grimace.

“No, we can’t get a puppy,” Ellie replies finally. “We have a _baby_.”

Alec nods in agreement, impressed by Ellie’s quick reflexes. “Quite right.”

“She’s not _my_ baby,” Fred argues.

“Yes, she is, she’s all of our baby,” Ellie insists.

Fred sighs dramatically, but then suddenly looks up, face flush with hope. “We could _trade_ her for a puppy!”

Daisy groans. “ _Fred_.”

“What!” Fred complains indignantly. “They’re almost the same!” And then: “We could name the puppy Ailie.”

*

Ellie is ready first, miracle of miracles. The Christmas concert / pantomime begins promptly at 7pm and it is already 6:15. Daisy is still doing her makeup, Tom has only just pulled himself away from his video game. Fred, who positively _lives_ for the Christmas concert / pantomime every year, is dressed and eagerly waiting in the living room, distracting himself with the Charlie Brown Christmas special.

Ellie sits on the floor of the bedroom, for once unconcerned with possibly wrinkling her skirt. The baby, in a little Christmas romper, is wobbling around her.

“We’ll do the stockings before bed,” she is telling her husband, who set them back once again by insisting on pressing his trousers. “Any sooner and Fred gets too antsy. Best to hang them, set out the biscuits, then put him to bed.”

Aila takes one precarious step toward her then falls forward into Ellie’s chest, where she is easily caught.

“No no,” Aila says, possibly to herself.

“Yes yes,” Ellie replies, planting kisses all over her face as she pulls her into her lap.

Alec stands in front of the mirror straightening his tie. “Are Daiz and Tom goin’ out after?”

“No, I instructed them not to,” she says. “We can’t stay up all night waiting for them to come home so we can lay out the presents. We’re old.”

“Doh doh doh,” Aila babbles, looking up at her mother for approval, for some reason.

“They can watch a film or something after Fred goes down but then it’s to bed with them as well,” Ellie continues, then looks at Aila. “Doh doh doh.”

Aila grins.

“Good, we need to be up at the crack of bloody dawn to start the turkey,” Alec says.

“ _You_ need to be up at the crack of bloody dawn,” Ellie corrects him. “Chef Hardy.”

Alec takes his suit jacket off the chair and dons it. “Why is it I seem to be routinely _punished_ for being the only decent chef in the family?” He questions. “I should be _rewarded_ for my skills and prowess.”

Ellie raises an eyebrow. “ _Prowess_ , eh.”

“ _You_ should be punished for your utterly deplorable cooking skills.”

“Hmm, interesting.” She nods thoughtfully, then fixes him with a glare. “You know what _I_ did though? Gave birth to three children.”

Alec sighs. “Fine.”

Aila holds onto Ellie’s arm and starts bouncing.

Ellie smirks. “This girl will be dancing before she’s properly walking.”

Aila suddenly collapses onto her bottom with a thud. Then quickly starts crawling over to her father.

“No no, little bug, you’ve got to keep at it,” Ellie tells her. “You fall down, you get back up, you don’t crawl off to Daddy for sympathy.”

But Aila has only heard one thing. “No no,” she replies.

Alec scoops her up into his arms. “We gotta watch everythin’ that comes out of our mouths now. She’s become a prize mimic.”

“Mmm-meh.”

With a groan and a few cracking limbs, Ellie hoists herself up to standing and brushes off her skirt. “Right, let’s shove off,” she says. “You pester Daisy, I’ll nag Tom.”

“Parentin’ is such a joy.”

*

Fred is in his happy place at the show. He sits on his knees and follows each and every move of the performers on stage. Tom yawns so much that his mother has to elbow him. Aila does quite well during the musical performance, but once the pantomime begins her interest wanes and her impatience builds. It starts with little plaintive whines at her father, in whose lap she sits, and evolves into disgruntled moaning, then finally cries of frustration. Alec and Ellie lock eyes and silently agree he should take her out.

He is _more_ than happy to do so.

He slips out of the pew with Aila and swiftly sweeps back down the aisle. In the lobby, where it’s quiet, Aila is suddenly all smiles again.

“Best wingman there is,” Alec praises her, smooching her cheek.

Aila slaps his face with both hands happily. “Ayayayaya.”

*

At home, Aila is put to bed, then they hang the stockings on the fireplace while drinking hot cocoa. Alec swaps all the cocoa mix out with sugar-free cocoa without a word. He’ll not have these kids up all night.

Fred then arranges a plate of Christmas biscuits on the coffee table _just so_. The arrangement is apparently essential to its success.

“Not almond milk,” he says sternly. “Real milk. Santa is allergic to nuts.”

Ellie briefly thinks to ask where he heard that but thinks better of it. Some rabbit holes she'd prefer not to fall into with her precocious six-year-old.

They read _The Night Before Christmas_ with Fred at bedtime. Despite his excitement, he has fallen asleep by the end of the book.

Downstairs, Tom and Daisy are watching _Die Hard_.

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Ellie complains.

Tom looks at her very seriously. “It’s a Christmas film.”

Alec guides Ellie away and back toward the staircase before a row can ensue. “Your mum and I will be upstairs watching – “ He looks at Ellie. “What, _It’s a Wonderful Life_?”

Ellie shakes her head. “Too long. Put on _The Bishop’s Wife_.”

“Right.” And then, calling back to the kids: “Straight to bed when the films end, you two!”

Ellie changes into her Christmas pyjamas. Alec changes into his normal pyjamas.

“Don’t get under the duvet,” Ellie demands sharply as they crawl onto their bed. “We’ll fall asleep.”

Alec grimaces. “Can you imagine? Fred wakin’ up in the mornin’ to find naught under the tree?”

“ _Nightmare_.”

They snuggle up together to watch _The Bishop’s Wife_ , periodically nudging each other awake throughout. Finally they hear Tom and Daisy bounding up the stairs.

“Right.” Ellie sits up straight. “We’re on.”

It takes them nearly three quarters of an hour to get everything set up under the tree for the morning. Both are yawning as they sit on the floor by the coffee table to eat Fred’s Christmas biscuits.

“Shame, I s’pose _someone_ has to eat them,” Ellie says, shaking her head.

Alec reluctantly takes one but breaks it in half. “I’m havin’ flashbacks to licking icin’ directly off _you_ last year.”

“Ah yes.” She grins. “I vaguely recall that as well.”

But these biscuits don’t have any icing. Alec is visibly disappointed by this. Ellie watches his expression keenly as she finishes the last of her biscuit, licking her fingers.

“Reckon we’ll have to make our own fun,” he says.

And with that, he tackles her underneath the tree, sliding his body over hers and kissing her.

“ _Alec_.” She finds herself giggling like a schoolgirl.

Between kisses, he replies, “Promised me last year this would be a tradition.” He knocks a bauble off the tree with his head. “A good snog underneath the tree on Christmas Eve.”

“If that’s all it takes to please you…”

“Ellie.” He pauses to kiss her again. “All it takes to please me is you.”

She crinkles up her nose. “Stop it.”

“Prefer me a bit cruder?” He maneuvers himself between her legs, then slides a hand up underneath her pyjama top. “How ‘bout a good Christmas fuck then?”

Ellie snorts, her hand instinctively going to cover her mouth.

His face falls. “No?”

She continues laughing until tears form in her eyes. “God’s sake, just a quick one then,” she acquiesces. “Upstairs. Under the warmth of the duvet. Clothes mostly on.”

Alec blinks at her. “…Hot.”

“Quick and dirty, I want to be dead asleep in twenty minutes.”

He stares at her. Then scrambles off of her. “Right, let’s go then.” He grabs her hand and pulls her up with him. “Clock’s tickin’.”

*

**DECEMBER 25 th**

Fred is at their bedroom door at 7am. He pauses before opening it right off, perhaps recalling his faux pas the year prior, and knocks.

“MUMMA DADDY,” he squeals. “IT’S CHRISTMAS.”

“Come in!”

Inside, Ellie is sitting up in bed, rubbing her eyes. Alec’s side of the bed is empty. Fred stands at the foot of the bed, briefly given pause.

“Where’s Daddy?!”

Ellie chuckles. “Just in the kitchen, love,” she replies. “Sorting the turkey for Christmas dinner.”

Satisfied with her response, Fred launches himself onto the bed and crashes into his mother. “Can we go downstairs now? I’ve been waiting my whole _life_.”

Ellie snuggles. “Your whole life, hm? All of your six years have led to this very moment?”

Fred nods emphatically.

“Right, let’s go.” She throws off the covers. “Must wait for your brother and sister before you do any damage though.”

“I just want to _look at it_ ,” Fred insists, wonder already forming in his eyes.

But Fred’s excitement is nothing if not _vociferous_ , therefore Tom and Daisy are awake and trudging downstairs in due time. Aila, too, has felt the excitement and woken from her slumber. As the whole family gathers in the living room around the tree, Ellie meets Alec in the kitchen.

“Coffee?” He offers, gesturing to the pot he’s made.

“Mm, no.” She moves past him to switch on the kettle. “Just a bit peaky this morning, better off with tea.”

Alec studies her. “All right?”

She nods and smiles reassuringly. “Promise. Just don’t want to exacerbate it,” she replies. “Bet Tom and Daisy will be glad for some though.”

He nods slowly, watching her. Then he goes to her, arm slipping around her waist, and kisses her temple. “Happy Christmas.”

She looks at him with pure contentment. “Happy Christmas, love.”

From the moment the first gift is ripped open, it’s a whirlwind. Wrapping paper goes flying, bows in the air, ribbon everywhere. Everyone sits on the floor and ends up taking turns snatching the loose ribbons away from the overactive baby and her grabby hands.

Fred receives several new Lego kits, each one more thrilling to him than the last. Plus a remote control car, numerous superhero figurines, a few books, far too many socks, and then a Nintendo Switch from Greer and Angus. Alec and Ellie groan heavily at this but accept their fate with dignity.

For Daisy, it’s all clothes and jewelry and dormitory décor. Plus the new AirPods Pro from Greer and Angus.

“What’ve they done, hit the lotto?” Ellie says to Alec, both of them shaking their heads. “Good grief.”

Tom receives a number of video games, a pair of expensive trainers, and a cookbook.

“Time for you to join me in the kitchen, mate,” Alec tells him. “Your fault for showin’ off a bit of talent for it.”

Tom’s gift from Greer and Angus is the PS5, though he is ordered in advance to share with his brother and sister.

“Un-bloody-believable,” Ellie complains under her breath.

Alec mouths _Sorry_ back to her.

Aila, meanwhile, is showered with toys. A little toy piano, a baby activity walker, a fake mobile phone, roughly one hundred onesies, a new set of sippy cups, and a light up learning cube. From Greer and Angus: a Fisher Price Smart Car.

Ellie drops her head into her hands. “Oh my _god_.”

But Aila is most impressed with the giant pile of bows she has acquired.

When it’s their turn, Alec and Ellie decide to open their gifts from Greer and Angus _first_ , to get them out of the way.

They both receive brand new Apple Watches.

“What in god’s name are we goin’ to do with _these_?” Alec grumbles. “Would take the gift receipt to be honest.”

Ellie is secretly tickled by the expensive gift. “I’m going to absolutely _tear up_ my step count this year.” And then she fixes her gaze on her husband. “And that means you will too.”

She hands him his gift from her next. Wrapped in a large box is the dark gray tailored Italian suit she bought him. As Alec carefully removes the jacket from the box, his mouth falls open.

“You didn’t.”

Ellie is grinning. “Figured since you’re so bloody obsessed, you ought to have one _truly_ posh suit all your own.”

He chooses in this moment not to think of their bank account, which has certainly taken quite a hit this season. For the briefest of flashes, he thinks, against his will, _if this is our last Christmas_ …then shakes it away.

“Brilliant,” he says, beaming at her. “You’re brilliant.” He leans across the box to kiss her.

“…It’s just a suit.” Tom blinks at them in consternation.

“It’s an _Italian_ suit, idiot,” Daisy retorts. “Obviously.”

“Got you one more thing,” Ellie announces, reaching under the tree, still on the high on her success with his first gift. She hands a thin, rectangular gift to him. “Just for something a bit sentimental.”

He eyes her suspiciously as he unwraps the gift. It’s a photograph in a silver frame. The photo is of all four of the children on the sofa, at Daisy’s first homecoming visit from university. A candid, one that _he_ in fact took himself. Fred is flailing across the laps of his older brother and sister happily, Aila is beaming at Daisy, and Tom is laughing. It’s a perfect picture.

“Another for your desk,” Ellie tells him, pleased with the way he is staring at it.

“What is it!” Fred exclaims.

Alec turns the frame so they can see it.

“It’s me!” Fred bounces happily.

“…It’s us,” Tom corrects him.

“Aw,” Daisy says. “That’s a cute one.”

Aila crawls toward Alec and reaches for the frame. He keeps it out of her reach, then turns to Ellie.

“Thank you.”

She smiles back proudly. “You’re welcome.”

Then Fred insists upon sharing their ceramic gifts with Ellie. Fred’s plate, Tom’s toothbrush holder, and “Aila’s” mug. That’s about all it takes for Ellie to be in tears.

“Mine says _To Mumma Love Fred_ ,” Fred announces, as if she cannot read it herself.

“It certainly does,” she replies. “Thank you, my sweet. All of you.”

Aila crawls into her lap. She would much prefer that attention is placed on her and not these baffling objects. Ellie swipes a loving hand over her face. “Hi, baby.”

Then Fred suddenly tosses a box at Alec. “This is from me!”

“Fred,” Ellie scolds him for throwing it.

“It’s a Batman build-a-bear,” Fred announces. “I made it.”

Alec has to keep himself from chuckling as the bear is revealed. “You made me a Batman bear?”

Fred nods enthusiastically. “’Cause you’re like the dark knight! You make things better for the people you love but you don’t want anyone to know it.”

Ellie’s eyes widen. She had taken him to the Build-a-Bear shop, but she hadn’t known _that_.

“Freddie, that’s lovely,” she says.

“Daddy’s a superhero,” Fred confirms matter-of-factly.

Then Ellie chuckles to herself. “…And Mumma gets a plate.”

“C’mere, lad.”

Fred jumps into Alec’s lap and relishes the snuggle. Jealous, Aila crawls out of Ellie’s lap and goes to Alec.

“No, Ailie,” Fred whines.

“All right, all right.” Alec gently dislocates them both and reaches under the tree for Ellie’s gift. “Back to Mummy.”

“Oooh.” She receives the small box with great excitement. “Mummy _loves_ a tiny box.”

Inside is a necklace with a silver chain. It has a silver anchor pendant decorated with the four birthstones of their four children.

“To match the ring,” Alec notes.

“ _Oh_.” Ellie’s hand goes immediately to her heart. “Bloody hell.” She wipes her eyes. “It’s gorgeous.”

“It’s a ship anchor!” Fred declares upon close study. “With jewels!”

Tom rolls his eyes. “Thanks, Fred.”

“What? _It is_.”

Aila, necklaces being her favourite toy, crawls back over to Ellie in a hurry.

“Ah.” Ellie shakes her head at the baby. “No no, little bug. This is a _special_ necklace from Daddy.”

Aila stops and sits obediently, shaking her head back at Ellie. “No no.”

Daisy gasps quietly. “ _Cripes_ that’s cute.”

Alec has also bought for his wife several books that had been sitting in their Amazon cart for months and an HBO Max Subscription.

“So you can watch _West Wing_ again,” he says.

She smirks at him. “So _you_ can watch _West Wing_ again.”

And then, no longer impressed by the novelty of the morning, Aila starts pulling at Ellie’s top and pressing her face to her breasts.

Alec snickers. “Right then, who’s hungry?”

“ME!” Fred jumps up. “WAFFLES!”

*

Following yet another chaotic holiday breakfast, hours of reveling in Christmas gifts begin while Alec busies himself in the kitchen with dinner prep. Peppering throughout are Facetime calls with Lucy and Olly, with various members of the Scottish contingent, and even a brief one with Alys, who sent the boys jumpers. David and Sally are due to arrive in the early afternoon to stay through Christmas dinner.

In a brief moment of repose, Alec and Ellie collapse together on the sofa while the kids set up the PS5 to the television. Aila sits in Ellie’s lap, blinking slowly and yawning sleepily. She lays her head against the pillow of Ellie’s breasts and sucks on her pacifier. Alec snakes his arm around Ellie’s shoulder.

“Is it time for bed yet?” She asks.

“Three minutes past noon,” Alec replies.

She sighs, her eyes falling upon the kids, each fighting to set up the game system their own way. “We’re never going to see these kids again, are we?”

“Between the PS5 and the Nintendo Switch, no.”

“Well.” Ellie exhales. “At least they’ll be well-occupied whilst…you know.” She doesn’t look at him. “Everything.”

“If you’re suggestin’ their fancy video games will distract them from their mother’s cancer…” Alec says in a quiet voice. “…You’re right, probably.”

She chuckles.

He kisses the top of her head. “When d’you want to tell them?”

Ellie looks down at Aila, whose eyelids are growing heavy. “Oh I dunno. Tomorrow perhaps.”

“…And your dad,” he reminds her.

She squeezes her eyes shut and has to banish the thought. “Can we talk about something else?”

He nods, but then she says, “Perhaps they’ll get it all. In the surgery. Perhaps we should wait to tell them until after, because if they get it all, the kids will never even have to know about it to begin with.”

Alec narrows his eyes at her with concern. “El." He pauses, choosing his tact. "Dr. Waverly seemed keen that you should have radiation after, no matter.”

“Well, we don’t _know_ , do we?”

He pulls her close, stroking her arm. Aila has fallen asleep. To placate her, he nods.

“No,” he replies softly. “We don’t know.”

After a moment of quiet, Aila yawns in her sleep, spitting out her pacifier. She snuggles closer to Ellie, head tucked between her breasts, and quietly whispers, “No no.”

***


End file.
